Atalist's Dungeon

there is an ache, a calling and a voice in my head. so much has been said that shouldn't have been. no control or obligation to understand Just hurt and at a loss. when words lose all meaning their use having normally given birth to various prose, now leave me stunned and animated. I ache and I wish to rid myself of this throbbing organ that has caused this all cut it from me and be done with it. devoid of feeling. a cyborg, programmed to do and not feel. there are moments where I long for that life.

I sink, deep inside myself. It's murky waters that i retreat to, I sink and find myself in silence. peace is so hard to come by. I need it, I need it I need the calm and I need the current to take me down far beneath the surface. I sink.

I exhale, and realize that I am back here. it's familiar and dark. it's a place where I fight all my battles. a place where no one can get me. I hide and beat the ever loving shit out of me. I don't even know how I get here sometimes, and yet here I am. Crying, twisting, clawing, scratching to get free. I want to be happy, I know that and yet I am here which means I won't be I long for peace like the current under the water, I am always churning. life is far too difficult sometimes.

Fight my will, gain some resolve... for how long I don't know but I don't care I won that battle. Why can't things be simpler I wish that things weren't so damn complicated. Where I could just dance and be free to just move, be in the moment and live in my bubble. I am sick of a state of flux. I want change NOW.

I want to hate you part of me thinks I already do you ask me questions, tell me things and all that does is make me angrier. I can't help but think that I have done something Karmically I am having my ass kicked. It would be so much easier if I could hate you why don't I hate you I am at least angry and animated with you... maybe I am better off this way. feeling everything and being animated. One day I will walk away and say that I am disappointed.. and that will be, that my hatred will spawn something new passivity has never been my strong suit. To damn blunt to care, at least right now. but what I will say is there is more, more behind the veil, more behind the shadows... my inner thoughts, you want to know them... I want to hate you.

I am angry, furious even. Life seems to like to fuck with me. Not the time or the place, honestly I couldn't imagine having an easy go things have never been easy. I never expect them to go the way I want... the rug always gets swept out from under my feet. Bigger problems with bigger more complex solutions. FUCK

I dream. I lay with you in darkness. it is the early hours of the morning. Silence. Just us barely breathing. neither of us can fully function. we are being torn apart from the insides our hearts are fine fickle fiends. They deny the existence of rules and space. They just want for each to take the other... home. in this ethereal slumber they wish. they dream, and they wonder... when the pain will subside and they can just breathe. 

I am more animated and brave than I have ever been I am growing and changing every day. It is apparent to everyone around me. I am evolving becoming more than what I am. it's been a long go of being labelled in such a way that I don't know how this feels anymore. This transition to something more than what I am currently. I am excited for the new me to venture forth.

I have this wall around me. It guards me and outlines the rules of decorum. I cannot climb it and no one can pull me across. If the conditions are right I will lower the drawbridge, but that is dependent on whether it's safe beyond the boarders. I am protected and shielded. I don't move away from it's centre. there are moments during the day where I peak out to the scary beyonds. I tempt myself by dreaming. feet firmly planted, my mind wanders. Past the realms of fear, my mind is on a quest. for truth and understanding are not learned easily. I see the trees the sky, the sun and the moon. They are wild out there. I am safe within my confines. I view from a lofty tower in the centre... for none shall reach me.... unless I want them to.

dancing inside myself my own internal rhythm. I choose my own pace, my own dance. I know my songs. I recognize myself in their tambor. their soft resonance, their melody whispers to my soul. The tragedy of the end of minuet; is the end of my connection to the tune. I feel them cut through me until their completion. left with sadness and silence at the end. until I meet another, that matches my inner workings. I wait.