Atalist's Dungeon

 I have been taking stock in what it means to be a parent and have landed on the question of what makes a father? I recognize it would be easy to take the smart ass way out and just say, well, when a woman and a man get together and get busy... but that is just procreation, that does not make a father. It's the actions after the fact that make a father, and it's the lifelong work of a father that makes them a good one. I have a really great one, although this year definitely rattled the cages. I was told this year that a secret had been kept from me for most of my life. I am the product of the first cohort of IVF in the province of Ontario, and my father is not genetically my dad. Admittedly, genetics shouldn't matter, but they do in different ways. It was a way for me to console myself, thinking that I am like my grandma Ada, whom I had never met. It softened the blow from being so different than the rest of my cousins, from my sister. I am extroverted, I am artistic in di...

 There's an ache in my heart today.  I had a wonderful day, so why is there an ache?  I had a moment where I was reminded of you, Aunt Kathy.  I got another tattoo, and I reminisced on the first one I got. The bonding experience where you and I went and got tattoos together, and I was promptly told not to say anything to my mother on the subject. My mother was a scary woman and not to be trifled with, but that didn't mean that we didn't have such incredible bonding experiences. So while I got tattooed today, I thought of you. I thought of the laughs, and it made me want to call you and tell you about it. Realizing I can't, this felt like the next best thing... 

I have stopped for what feels like a minute.  To take stock, to focus to do all of the required and cliche elements to slowing down and what I can tell you, they are not for me.  Slowing down requires you to actually stop, and I feel like I physically cannot do it, nor does time allow it.  My children have not slowed down with their exploits, nor has time actually slowed down for me to appreciate things, so I speed along with it.  Grayson is losing all of his teeth... he has caught up to Sterling in that regard and goodness, that child is 8 going on 20. He wants to be big so fast that it is alarm at what he is attempting to learn and accomplish, and completely by himself.  He is staunchly independent, like his parents, and all the while they grow and learn at an unfathomable rate.  I don't know who wrote it but I have heard this quote go around that "time is a thief" and when I was younger I didn't really fathom that, I sure do now. My little humans are not...

 I have been spending time focusing on the things that matter to me.  My husband, the unwavering and indestructible man that he is, had a health concern earlier this year. It wasn't that he had a health scare, because scare isn't exactly right, but he had a wake-up call, and that gave us a lot of perspective. Realizing that we had rather poignant, major milestone birthdays this year, we decided to "YOLO" our time. We are going on a few big trips. We are doing big things with our family and our time. But watching this incredible man of mine seem less than his larger than life self made me take pause. See, I have always been accustomed to being the one that had quirks of the medical variety. I have always been fine or come out of whatever malady with adjustments that needed to be made, but he has lived his life and treated his body like a temple, crumbling and haunted. It finally caught him, making me realize that our time is finite. Each moment is precious and beautifu...

 I have been spending a lot of my time reading these days.  The world is an awful dumpster fire of awful. Watching politics and the clawback of women's rights is a hurtful and brutal thing, so I have been taking my time to read and escape. One of my best friends (possibly ever) introduced me to A Court of Thorns and Roses and now, Romantasy has a chokehold on me like no other. But that too has had an effect on my sphere. I find myself being more adventurous and giving zero fucks about what people think of what I am in to. My husband, admittedly, is reaping the rewards of my more onerous and adventurous pallet. But it's more than that. It reaffirms why I chose him in the first place and why I ultimately left Kolby. Find a man who looks at you like he could worship you but treats you like an equal. Find a partner that will, time and time again, meet you where you are and love you when you are falling apart. He is also the one that I want to tell about these books and get into be...

 3 years of feelings, of joys and triumphs you have missed.  3 years of laughs, of plans, and of trips. We would have wanted to share the experiences with you, and yet you marched out into the great beyond, setting a path for all of us to follow one day. Mom, you were a trailblazer in that regard. The hole you left in our lives is not smaller but somehow we have grown around it. We keep space for you but we are growing and changing everyday.  Things I wish I could tell you: - I turned 40. You were amazed when I was turning 37 and somehow 3 years went by and now I am 40.  - Grayson and Sterling have grown and are little dudes now with all of the humour and ridiculousness that they seem to muster. You would be in stitches for the things they say.  - Sophia has two more years and then she is off to post-secondary. How they hell did that happen so quickly. Your Diva misses you.  - Dad is going on a trip with us and has helped us significantly. You would not app...