Atalist's Dungeon

It is late and I should be asleep, but I am awake thinking of my day. Thinking how each day is a struggle, not just for me, for everyone. We all struggle from each moment to the next. It is a victory at the end of the day. A beautiful and sweet victory that we lived on this earth another day. How lucky we are. To find love, peace and feel. To be apart of this existence. It is a priviledge not a right. I feel accomplished to make it as far as I have. Tomorrow morning I will feel more.

A smile comes across my face... Discussing my life feels like reading the cliff notes to a really good book. You don't get to see all the nitty gritty, just the abbreviated version. I have done and been through so much. Accomplished enough and grown up in many ways. Discussing things like this feels like I am selling something... me. Its weird to boast, yet that is what we do in this world. We are all shameless self promoters. I laugh at my idiocy and continue on with my banter. It is interesting to see how people react to it. I glance up and see a few big smiles. It makes me feel good. My purpose in this world, as any, is to create. If I have created entertainment than I have done my job.

vague and indifferent I feel towards you now. Someone spoke of you today and it felt like ancient history. I have really moved on. Its fascinating to see the growth I have shown... you haven' t changed. Or at least from what I have heard. It is not shocking. Merely sad. It makes me feel better... that I am moving down the road... I am happy about my future. Happy of what it has to bring. I have so much time to do everything I want to do. I have a new lease on life. It is fantastic!

I feel like I am empty. No more to give as I gave it all away. Crying is for the weak. I am beyond it, yet I feel it come on me. I hate feeling like this. Devoid of emotion, yet bounding with it. I have lost so much, yet gained new perspective. Depressed. Dark and dank is the place I dwell. The pit of despair is only big enough for one. I live and breathe the dark place. We are interchangeable. In a way I relish in it. I feel primal and instinctual. As if I am ready to defend with everything I have. To protect myself with deadly force. its hard to imagine how I got here. I know someday it will make sense... just not now.

Listening to soothing, yet depressing sounds. I wonder, why has all this happened. To try and understand the bigger picture you would have to be able to see it. I don't. I question the greater purpose of things because I want to understand. Why did this happen, what am I supposed to do now? I have all of these decisions to make and none of them are easy. Everything has its price and I don't understand why. Why do I have to harm people? Why do I have to make these life altering decisions? I don't want to cry anymore over them. To worry and wonder how it will effect everyone. I want to make the right choices that define me. To concentrate on the important things and focus on the good. I miss the ability to not worry. To know that everything will be ok... I seriously miss that!

The world is on fire. Anger and perversion everywhere. All I can do is feel. All I can do is react to its constant changes. Adapt and accept. I feel the anger and I want to reach out. To touch something real, something beautiful. Something that hasn't been burned by the flames. I see someone. He is beautiful and almost innocent. I long to touch him... I lose my will. I touch him and he turns to ash, I realize that I am the fire... I am the burning and blistering heat that is killing the world. It is strange to be apart of the problem and not the solution.

you arrive and we meet, it seems too easy. Carefree and fun. Similar we are yet there is that unease of new beginnings. To sit and relax and learn is something new. New histories to learn. I feel scholarly... I have lots to learn and plenty of time to do it. There is no rush to move, no rush to push. Its just merely anew.

It is almost time, Time to show what I have. My talent through prose. A wave of adrenalin hits me like a brick wall. I feel ready as I review what needs to be performed. A wave of calm now hits as I am seconds away from the task at hand. The curtain opens, It is not me anymore. It is the concept I play. I drive the rest of us, I lend myself to this person. I move and feel as not myself, as another entity. I feel, I touch, I kiss. Reality is left back stage. I am here to entertain, and I am good at my job. In these seconds is where I truly live. shared with a character I smile at my life. I am an actress. My art is me.

Brazen and filled with rage I stare out. I see my executioners. Young and naive they are. I stand on my pyre with scorn and contempt. I know what is going on. having a good idea is key. Teaching them a lesson is my last will. the dark night envelopes the torches as they touch me. The heat licks my feet. I speak loudly and clear so all can see. Today you think you only burn a person, funny that I am more than that. I am an idea and concept which you will not be able to cleanse with fire. There is not extermination for what I invoke. I chant and am no more, or at least to them. I am their sense of guilt now. Transformed into their aching pain and inability for forgiveness... Today they thought they would burn a witch, they learned that I am more than this. Today they burned an empty pyre. Today they learned that they victimized many and let the truth slip through the darkness... Now, they have condemned themselves and have learned of their actions. Today is the day that the trials of dif...

You kiss me and send shivers down my spine. I didn't expect this. Not from you anyway. It makes me feel guilt to feel this way. As if I am coveting something pure, untainted. I want to know more about it... more about this unbridled sin. to see if it knows any boundaries... to see if anything conflicts. I hope not.

It feels like a dream, I walk down a wooded path. Green Grass around me, fog curling at my bare feet. It is warm, I feel warm. I look down at the lacy white dress and feel pure... Cleansed I continue to walk, the path seems familiar but it is not. I see green all around me... the path turns... it looks really wore in with its packed down soil. Roots reaching out to trip me, and rip my pristine white dress. I continue smelling the air, taking in the fog. I hear the birds and see the sun just peeking through the multitude of trees. I feel an urge to run, run free. I spin in my forest... turn and turn and turn until the world is revolving around me. Continuing on the path I see a wolf at the end. He bears his teeth. I smile back. I look down and realize that I have a choice. Run and feel cowardly, but alive. Or be brave for a change, ruin my pretty dress and risk it all. Oh to know what little red ridinghood's thoughts were. I make my choice... and awake from a dream.... its a beautif...

I can't take my eyes off you. You elude others with your light, but I see. I see true beauty. No visage, No mask. I see it but don't really. I feel it deep within your core. Grace and perfect precision, in your every single mistake. Your colour shines bright, Blinding. Your Colour? For me to admire. Ever adapting, ever shifting. I dream and see your colour. Every emotion flutters back. A rainbow of feeling fixed on one thought. That thought? Your Beauty.

Dare to sleep, dare to dream. Focus on the reality of things. It gives true perspective. Believing in the spinning chaos means, Believing in purpose. Weaponry is useful, words are disastrous. Fighting is the minimal causes of the bigger war. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you want to be alone.

You frustrate me. With your dance of words. 1 step, 2 step, to do what you want. Turn my words. I want to scream at you. You make me confused, worried. I don't think you understand Me. What I say or what I do. Numb and fixed I ask. For simplicity, for safety. I am not sure I have it. Not sure that I am secure in you.

"I feel weak, I feel Cold." She said as she lay there in the darkness. Purple lighting their bodies with an emerald flicker in their eyes. Their Ember, Their Spark. Moisture still in the air after uniting as a single force. Passion afixed in rhythm. They smile at each other and speak multiple words in their sighs. I love you in a single gasp. She suddenly lets go of reality and drifts into a world of dream. He follows her there and they hold each other in both worlds. They dream, they breathe, they ache in peace.

The Light Shines of decadence, of purity. Silent and unseen presence brings a cool collected rhythm to everything. Swaying while keeping time with the universe. An echoing pain reaches ever so noticeably. The salty essence runs down the curves of the illusion. The Mask is broken, the lady of the world finally feels.

You prove to me everyday that you are in this... even when I doubt or am mean, you are still right there. You surprise me. I think its because I am not used to it. My last relationship made me feel like its captain kept jumping ship. Admittedly he did. Its just what I am a custom to. You make me feel apart of something greater. Not like I am scrambling to stay afloat... We are helping each other. I am so excited for you to start the next chapter with me... The chapter where you get a title and we have time to figure out the next step... Where we both steer. We set sail on life and look out onto the horizon... Where we both fight the waves that try to wash us off our boat, Where we both fight to keep us a float... We stick to it. We keep our boat cruising into the sunset...

Twisted and torn Lies to escape responsibility Attention seeking You believe you are the perfect one You trick and are false Claiming I am not worthy of trust? What can someone who is amoral know of trust? Or how about fidelity? You victimize beacons of envy. Those of us worthy of pedestals. One by one you knock us down. Demoralizing and cruel. We shouldn't be made to feel angry, guilty or wrong for our intuitions. They are hardly wrong. I am finally owning my honesty. You wondered why I always lied to you? It was easier to lie because I was lying to myself too... In thinking that you were ever remotely decent. I Lied because you were my teacher... you taught me well. Let me graduate from you and move on... Leave me be. I want to start my life anew and I want to learn from my mistakes... Funny, I actually did learn from you. So stop pulling me back... Let go.

I lie here and think of the last time you were here. How you held me and listened to me ramble. How I wanted you more and you resisted. I felt so safe and yet quite bitter. I slept in your arms all peaceful and safe. I awoke with a headache, but I felt sublimely happy. It was amazing.

You said you didn't want serious... I think you underestimated my appeal... I think you are stunned by the mystery behind my smile... You said that you could not handle distance. Well here we are handling it like champions and you are addicted. To my smile, my face, being near me. I am addicted too. To your words, your smile among the other beautiful qualities you possess... So this is it. You didn't want serious and that is what you got... I didn't want to jump and instead I fell.