Atalist's Dungeon

I am sad. It always ends like this. In this hurtful manner. Why can't we just have a nice and normal conversation. Where we talk and discuss what is going on with our days. i have been busy and lots has gone on. I want to tell you these things and then I get shut down. Is it simply to much to ask for a normal and pleasant conversation?

you expect all these things from me. I do my best to give. Its a matter of what you want me to give up. The very thing that I gave up for someone else. I know I cannot do this, this time. And yet you persist. Its all my fault because I am the one who lives far away. I am the one who is going to be moving and getting an education. Funny how school wasn't a problem until now, now that I won't be living in the same city. Nothing was a problem and suddenly everything is. I am a waste of time. According to your friends. Why is it that everything is my fault? Because i cannot give up everything of mine and just be content in living with you and doing nothing else. the same traits you love about me are the same traits I would lose in that juncture. I cannot be that girl, the girl who moves in with someone and gives it all up. I did that in my last relationship and well, we all know how well that turned out. Majority of my blog is made up of feelings from that experience. I sacrifice a...

The memoirs of a damaged girl. I sit and write contented that my story will get out. The damage and sad and the victories. All of it on 81/2 by 11 lined. As I write I think of the people who will read and see, See my thoughts and feelings. To these people I am naked. My actions, sentiments are bare for these special few. enjoy it as I don't open up to many.

My heart is strained, tangled, twisted and torn. Its strained because I live in two worlds. The world of my head and the world of my heart. Nor shall the two meet. I love the dream, the simplicity of the golden lights and opulent heights of imagination, then there is the real crisp and fresh of the real world. Its like a cavern that i am straddling. To chose a side is murderous to my reality. I like my bubble and my two worlds. Thus I stretch. I twist, tangle and tear at my heart.

I swim in cool waters, I feel the sadness come over me as I sink. I would come back up for air if it didn't hurt so much. the feeling of my heart hurts more than my lungs. They ache and want to explode, and yet it pales in comparison to my aching and torn heart. My mind screams and tells me to swim and to fight, and yet my heart says this is better. I continue to sink and see my final seconds coming to an end. I look up and see an angel, A beautiful and wonderous angel reaching for me. He takes me in his arms and brings me to the surface. He breathes for me and I come alive again. My angel and saving grace. He brought me back to life, I wonder if he can heal my heart. He looks at me and tells me, bringing you to life is the easy part, willing you to live and healing you is the challenge.

I try to elicit a response from you, majority of the time I get nothing. I am angry about this, disappointed to say the least. You don't communicate. How am I supposed to know what you think, what you feel and what you want? I am not psychic and I do not wish to guess all the time. There are certain things that cannot be said and I get that, but give me something. Anything. I am a very clear communicator. I don't hide how I feel for the most part. You are lying to yourself if you think that I know where your heart lies. You are lying to me. That much is evident. When I talk to you about these things it irrupts into a violent spill of words coming from you. Is that all you have? Violent and angry words for me? I illicit a response from you and for once I get something. Negativity courses through your veins. What am I to do when this stifles me. I try to speak to you, but all you seem to hear is your words. Then the end of the conversation is exclaimed by the dial tone I hear. So...

speak to me in ways I cannot fathom, tell me with your movement that you want me. Close my eyes and see. Swaying with the melody of your silent revelry I am mesmerized by the swing and the sound the drum and the beat pick up and I move instinctually. Its more than just flow and thought. Transitory and fluid. Just do. Surround me in your warmth. your heat and your fire. Tell me your lustful thoughts and sway in conjunction with me. Touch me and torment yourself, Satiate your will and focus on the sway of things. Visit and revisit our unity. For now is the time to get lost in it. Lost in singularity and in unity. a moment where time stands still and yet speeds up around us. Freeze the fire and passion. Free from the oppression of expectation.

Wicked and deceitful. Trust is something earned. Lost in me is the will to care of your wrong doings. You accomplished them all on your own. your problem not mine. Unforgiving, sure I can be. Earning my forgiveness is attaining the unattainable for me. maybe you will, maybe you will not. Cold and hard is what you see. For that is all that I will allow. Fight to climb the walls I build and I will build them higher. Quick, brick by brick. Break down my walls and be prepared for a fight. I will be ready for your ignorance. Wrong doings won't go unpunished. I will see to it. So will you. You will see just how ruthless and malevolent I can be if you push me. Back me in the corner like a wild dog and I will attack. Quick, brick by brick by brick. Seal me in and shut you out. Distance and security imposed. Walls enclose the unattainable. Fortress of solitude, Yes that is where I dwell. Forgiveness, ha. We will see. Brick by brick by brick

flow out of me, pour out my convictions with script. For i am a survivor of your will. My thoughts are convoluted and with you you bring me peace. Order amidst the chaos. Focusing takes all my might, and yet the clarity and thoughtless process of writing is effortless. I seek and I search and I find tranquility in my pen. My heart and my mind sync. Pour out of me and see, that I am at the mercy of free flowing syntax. a conduit of the present thought. i am an artist of different genres, Theatre, Visual and Musical art and yet my free form is words. My skill and feeling comes through in my poetry.

Violet and alabaster. Laid out for all to see. Cold and silent, the air circulates. Movement is lacking. Surreal. Vacant she is dressed beautifully. Ivory and pearl draped around her still form. Crimson lips bring life to the pale facade. Seal them shut for they boast no breath. Her eyes, Emerald in colour have seen their last dawn. The sun has set upon her. Cloaked forever in the shadow of her memory. Hollowed and still her shell lies. Her final destination is dark and still. The neighborhood welcomes her with a clammy embrace. tears and roses follow her to her new home. She joins the world. What we bury is a body. She has past her expiration date and has moved on. Her casket and tombstone are reminders to her family and friends. Lest we forget her, she lives in memory. For no rhyme or reason we enter this world, and for no rhyme or reason we leave it.

Dark pieces fit in the puzzle, Dark minds process the dark patterns. Nothing light about this situation. Within the minds eye, things twist and contort. Varieties of gray and dark lights. Stirring in the shadows, Lurking and persisting it reaches out, for a hand, for some semblance of being. It reaches out because it can. For everything it touches turns to ash. corporeal hatred and smite. life withers and decays in its presence. It grows weary and desolate. Sadness breaks its surface, How lonely and cruel to be unable to touch. Yet it is content at the destruction it causes. The body count just adds to its anger. Smiling at its human wreckage it decimates more. It has purpose. Laughter in the midst of a dark storm. Darkness is complete. If only light were as wanton with its freedoms.

Beautiful baby boy, You went away. Disappeared from my eye. From everyone who loves you. You ceased to be in an instant. An angel hangs on a door and I cannot feel. All I want to feel is remorse and yet, I feel conviction and strength well up in me. It is accompanied by the strange sense of guilt. What could I have done? The answer is nothing, I did all I could do, Not that I feel that, that was enough, Yet here I am. Hollowed. Baby boy you have left me, and with you went my heart.

Its a new day with new sentiment. The past is gone. You may think that I will regret those decisions, but I don't. They brought me to where I am and I am content in that. Many people think that the choices I have made have put me in a bad way, and yet I wouldn't have had it any other way. I have learned too much that I wouldn't have. Its a matter of perspective. A lemon is sour and yet with the right thought, can be turned into lemonade. I don't need to focus on the sad parts that I have experienced, more that i am experiencing life, isn't that what this is about. To experience and feel. I am feeling everything and I am unafraid.

How lovely it is to feel elated. I am dreaming lofty dreams and reaching the highest heights, they seem within my grasp. I smile and I know that I can do it. Whatever it is I set my mind to, I can accomplish it.

Intricate colours paint a beautiful picture, A picture of a life, dream and a hope of all things. Its a complex portrait, a portrait of a woman. Her fair skin, her delicate features. Poised for her painter she shows more than she lets on. She wears her emotions like fabric on her skin. Her lips are rose petals and her hair shines of the sunlight. She stuns us all with her grace. She looks out unto the world and sees dark, Her lovely almond shaped eyes adjust to the lack of light. The painter adjusts with her. He captures her on his canvas. Every inch, every emotion is there for all to see. Bare to the world we came into. Bare to the world she shows us what we really are. Human. Beautiful and flawed as the day we entered the world. As we will leave it.

I sing and soar, free as a bird in the clouds. Weightless and Gliding within lofty heights. Stars are angels to me, they visit me from time to time. I seek and search the navy blue skies, for my light house, for my beacon. I search because you bring me down to earth. Keep me level and grounded. and when I need to, you help me fly.

beautiful day, I awake and see the sky. I lay on a bed of mossy green. Soft and plush is what I arise from. The spring dew awakens me with a peaceful shower. The scent of lily and jasmine is prominent on my lips. I can almost taste it on my tongue. Daisies greet my vacant stare. They offer themselves to me to garnish my flowing hair. Sunlight peeks through the still trees, A young deer prances off to greener pastures. my lily white linens drape off of me as if they wish to remain on the mossy green carpet, I stand and I gaze outward. Persephone has graced me with a beauty that I cannot even express. I hear the sparrows greet the day with their song. It is a beautiful day with such prospect. Everything is growing around and rising with the sun, None can see the beauty and wonder that grows within me.

I hear sounds of you, echoing down my halls. I cannot escape these thoughts... I see on these vacant walls. I am in love this is true, He is away by fire light. I ache and writhe in pain, Not to get to attached is a fight. I rise like the tide, and feel this fire inside of me. it comes forth and springs anew, leaving me breathless and happy.

Sunny walls greet me, Their glow makes me feel at home. Angular walls shade this safe place with velvety orange hues. I breathe and feel the safety of my space. Soft and soothing draped with colours of my youth. I lie down. A sweet smell of home and lavender reach me. Tranquility seeps through every billowy fabric. I close my eyes and yet I can see everything, The pristine forest green accents, to the pictures of my sister. It all screams home and importance to me. My dreams live here. They echo my plans for reality. my room, reflects who I am. For it is whimsical and dreamy. It is warm and technicolour. Vibrant and bold, yet very calming. My safe haven.

How joyous I am, I can't help but smile. I have my life ahead of me. Nothing but a positive attitude. Miles to go kid, and yet I am happy I have an adventure ahead of me. So full of Joy I could float away. Love lift me and let the butterflies take me down my road of self discovery. How quaint and beautiful. Outside may be cold and dreary yet I do not see it. I see the sun and the summer fast approaching. All the possibilities that come with it. To see the horizon of all that is to come. I will not wish this time away, I will merely enjoy that it is moving slowly for a change. Claim the pace and seek the prize of my joy. Smile, the future is mine and yours for the taking.

There are moments, Moments where I cannot help but think of you. A funny smile comes across my face. I think of being at home with you, how peaceful and sweet. I am in bliss merely spending time. Its all about baby steps... and well I want to sprint and so do you, but that isn't possible at the moment. There are things that both of us need to do. For once I am ok with taking the time. Its funny how things work. Its all fortuitous that things happened the way they did. That dare to be inspired situation, turned into dare to find your soulmate... Not sure if this is the truth or not, but it will be fun finding out.

I think of you and laugh, Tears streaming down my face. I laugh for the joy you cause me is overwhelming. ying to my yang, we are quite the pair. I dream of the what this could possibly mean. Doing the random and fun things we do You make me smile and become quite the girlie-girl. It really is ridiculous. You think its endearing, I am not so sure...