Atalist's Dungeon

I look at a picture of us. I smile in every photo. feeling nostalgic and yet wondering where the time went. wondering what made us change so quickly we have moved past what we were before, to something different now. I am reminded of what was said during our vows. to the point where we have foresaken our beloved. where it is so comfortable we fail to see eachother. my eyes are open and I see you. but do you see me? do you still know me? questions need answering.

There is possibility I feel it in my bones, I feel it inside of me. a flutter of expectation and a gaggle of emotion. I am ready and my body is willing. so many things to be excited and terrified for. a little life that is my responsibility. I care. 

you are a martyr. you want me to be happy All of these things I get, and yet you cannot see the things I do are for the best of many. I fight tooth and nail to see my path and yet all I see is the shrouded grass in front of me. nothing more, nothing less. A fog. There is nothing more to say except I am walking my path. you want to cut off your nose despite your face and you don't understand. If you walk away that is you doing so, if you harm yourself that is you doing so, just call a spade a spade and say it's because you can't watch anymore. the seven deadly sins and you pick envy.

I need you out of my head, out of my thoughts, out of mind. you invade my memories at the most inopportune times. and yet, I cannot escape you. I am not sure I want to.

How do you notice my depth when others don't? Most see calm and peaceful shallows, when there is an ocean and an entire world below. you notice things about me, things I feel I keep hidden. It shocks the life into me and yet causes me to remain still. How the hell do you do that. It is a question that rages on in my mind, and yet I also wonder why only you seem to see. Is it you are the only one who is searching? are you the only one who is looking for the depth of the sea in a lake? So many questions and yet the tide keeps rolling.

I feel this stirring in me. It brings out the worst in me. everything to me seems so maudlin it's like everyone is pretending and I can't be bothered. Life isn't perfect. it's messy as hell. tie a ribbon around the old oak tree, leave the light on, only for no one to see either of these beacons to my soul. my emotions and sentiments fall on deaf ears. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish that I could share me, but I am not meant to be shared. I am an experience. A fleeting, breathless experience.

there is an ache, a calling and a voice in my head. so much has been said that shouldn't have been. no control or obligation to understand Just hurt and at a loss. when words lose all meaning their use having normally given birth to various prose, now leave me stunned and animated. I ache and I wish to rid myself of this throbbing organ that has caused this all cut it from me and be done with it. devoid of feeling. a cyborg, programmed to do and not feel. there are moments where I long for that life.

I sink, deep inside myself. It's murky waters that i retreat to, I sink and find myself in silence. peace is so hard to come by. I need it, I need it I need the calm and I need the current to take me down far beneath the surface. I sink.

I exhale, and realize that I am back here. it's familiar and dark. it's a place where I fight all my battles. a place where no one can get me. I hide and beat the ever loving shit out of me. I don't even know how I get here sometimes, and yet here I am. Crying, twisting, clawing, scratching to get free. I want to be happy, I know that and yet I am here which means I won't be I long for peace like the current under the water, I am always churning. life is far too difficult sometimes.

Fight my will, gain some resolve... for how long I don't know but I don't care I won that battle. Why can't things be simpler I wish that things weren't so damn complicated. Where I could just dance and be free to just move, be in the moment and live in my bubble. I am sick of a state of flux. I want change NOW.

I want to hate you part of me thinks I already do you ask me questions, tell me things and all that does is make me angrier. I can't help but think that I have done something Karmically I am having my ass kicked. It would be so much easier if I could hate you why don't I hate you I am at least angry and animated with you... maybe I am better off this way. feeling everything and being animated. One day I will walk away and say that I am disappointed.. and that will be, that my hatred will spawn something new passivity has never been my strong suit. To damn blunt to care, at least right now. but what I will say is there is more, more behind the veil, more behind the shadows... my inner thoughts, you want to know them... I want to hate you.

I am angry, furious even. Life seems to like to fuck with me. Not the time or the place, honestly I couldn't imagine having an easy go things have never been easy. I never expect them to go the way I want... the rug always gets swept out from under my feet. Bigger problems with bigger more complex solutions. FUCK

I dream. I lay with you in darkness. it is the early hours of the morning. Silence. Just us barely breathing. neither of us can fully function. we are being torn apart from the insides our hearts are fine fickle fiends. They deny the existence of rules and space. They just want for each to take the other... home. in this ethereal slumber they wish. they dream, and they wonder... when the pain will subside and they can just breathe. 

I am more animated and brave than I have ever been I am growing and changing every day. It is apparent to everyone around me. I am evolving becoming more than what I am. it's been a long go of being labelled in such a way that I don't know how this feels anymore. This transition to something more than what I am currently. I am excited for the new me to venture forth.

I have this wall around me. It guards me and outlines the rules of decorum. I cannot climb it and no one can pull me across. If the conditions are right I will lower the drawbridge, but that is dependent on whether it's safe beyond the boarders. I am protected and shielded. I don't move away from it's centre. there are moments during the day where I peak out to the scary beyonds. I tempt myself by dreaming. feet firmly planted, my mind wanders. Past the realms of fear, my mind is on a quest. for truth and understanding are not learned easily. I see the trees the sky, the sun and the moon. They are wild out there. I am safe within my confines. I view from a lofty tower in the centre... for none shall reach me.... unless I want them to.

dancing inside myself my own internal rhythm. I choose my own pace, my own dance. I know my songs. I recognize myself in their tambor. their soft resonance, their melody whispers to my soul. The tragedy of the end of minuet; is the end of my connection to the tune. I feel them cut through me until their completion. left with sadness and silence at the end. until I meet another, that matches my inner workings. I wait.

I am at rest, or at least I thought I was. In my dark slumber I hear something... a gentle knocking at my door. I am not willing to allow entry. the knocking stirs my very foundation. A click, clank and clack hit my door. very profound thoughts. I stir again and come to realize, some people will not let me rest. will not let me be still. Someone has come to evict me from myself. I am pulled from the ground... and carried through rainy skies and dark woods. back to reality, back to the thing I am trying to avoid. 

I am afraid of the darkness. Always have been. and yet it envelopes me. cloaks me in smoke. it transports me to another world. a world of my own design. the perfect hell in which I dwell. nothing harms me but myself. nothing shakes me or stirs me. I am myself. dark and twisted little me... in my dark place. my home

I am not safe. I am in the water. the turbulent tide rocks me. I dive under the waves. The silence in the water is what I crave. Above the surface the world is ending. underneath the surface I let the air escape me. Silence, beautiful silence. I sink to the bottom... as light fades, the water enters me. We are one. A never ending circle of me in it, in me. I close my eyes and dream of the calm

you are exploring... with your knife you cut. ripping anything that is not necessary from my body. you hollow out my abdomen. I don't need a stomach to eat, I don't need a liver or any of these things you remark you rip apart my chest to find the prize... I am mangled and bloody and yet you have my heart still beating in the palm of your hand. you stick a blade through it. it silences the thumps. cutting it into two pieces... I am a shell. my victory is I shall love nothing more... for I am gone and vacant. my heart rests.

I don't want to leave... my heart is hurting, so is my back... things happen because they need to, maybe this is my happening. to give me insight, some clarity unto the chaos. well received.

I am angry, I wish there was more that could be said my words fail me in this moment. I feel like I have been set up to be disappointed. disappointed in myself and choices made for me. I lay here still in bed and I want to cry. for nothing is ever simple and I feel like the decisions made, I had little to do with.

Dance away with me, on the stage we sway. sing with me, lose yourself in the play. move with me, our bodies sing. lose yourself in me, as if it's the simplest thing.

I am dreaming, I walk the vacant road. The snow crunches under bare feet. I am wearing a white nightgown, as white as snow. The darkness envelopes me. No light or sound. Just the winter. my eyes adjust and i am found among trees. starry skies and a crescent moon. I am alone and i am content in that. I dance around in the light of the moon. my nightgown twirls around me and I feel free. blue hands and feet, do not bother me. how could they when all I had is lost. When all else fades into distant memory. I lose myself in the grey, and the cool. life's mystery is when life escapes even the young. and all that remains is a will and purpose. To be free and to dream.

I love you, Three words I have said, Three words that i mean. I love you. I know in my heart it is true. I knew the day you said it to me. I love you. It was something I always knew something unspoken and yet present. I love you. I love you for you are mine and I am yours. traded souls and traded love. complete.

oh woeful breast, why do you ache. head and heart are in agreement. For they hurt in unison. each piece of the puzzle falls into place I understand that there is a price for each piece I am awaiting to find out the cost. I know that as my heart shatters, it glitters and glints into a million tiny diamonds. worth far less than the whole who would want for me if I am broken. It is a question that has been asked many a time, and yet someone still has an answer. I retreat to my dark place. My sanctuary.

Solitude sets in, I should be writing something other than poetry. Can't help but think and this clears my head. listening to music, the melodies have a sense of longing. they reach into my heart and pull it, each strum of the guitar, each hit of the bass pulls me in a different direction. I am being split in two. neither half can survive without the other.

I am in a dark place, one of my own creation. it is a space, a place that keeps me safe. I have been hurt deeply before and this is where I came. To a place where I could set fire to my insides for sheer amusement. To a place where I could breathe without feeling without hollow gasps and tears running down my face. it is a place where I cut and fought those who were around me. no one is left, they are dead and gone and I am me. left in my solitude. In a room full of pictures of memories that I would rather forget. it is a space and a place that I can bury myself. 6 feet under where no one can reach me. I hug myself and know that I am here. I protect myself, and my broken chest. I am shattered and I know that this place will keep me. I am safe here. beneath walls, ground, heavy sky. The weight does not affect me here. I am weightless.

So dark the intent of man, I stare at a vaccant wall it makes me understand this. it causes me to stir, to squirm under the threat of it. who knew that something so bland could be so foreboding smear it with red and see the walls for what they are. constructs of blood and misery. every place we step we are walking over bodies. living in someone else's history. death everywhere. the dark con of man is that we are all doomed. death is inevitable and yet we fight it... accept the fate and live for the time we live... walking over corpses and living among them. the walking dead.

In a coffin she lies, angelic, porcelain little angel. Fabric laid over pattens of shimmering opalescent skin still is her chest, hollow and vacant of soul disembodied from her self and dormant thought. She is no more than a vessel of memory. her silk blue dress echos a time of playful joy, of a time where she played out in the woods. The villainy of the shadows in the forest swallowed soul and purpose. Exterminated life and bore darkness in a pure body. She rests and the wolf lives. it is a dark cruel world.

it is late.  I should sleep and yet my mind races.  It's like I am caught in the storm.  My insides twist and turn and yet my heart is the eye of it...  ever steady my beats are a tempest of time I feel everything and nothing.  I wish I could escape and run towards a fantasy life.  One with tropical beaches and warm misty evenings.  under a bed covered in a gossamer of fabric and sheen.  sleep and be at peace.  Be at one with myself to quell the storm. I can't do that yet. I have to survive the violence and the chaos fight the inner workings of my mind in order  to satiate the destructive force that dwells within me.  push it back to it's base principle form.  Brilliant and terrible force.  I leave nothing in my wake but a wanton soul,  weary from sleep deprivation and worry.  The storm leaves nothing in it's wake. 

I want you deep within me, touch my core and do not shy away from the movement. the biting, kissing, grasping, breathing. Feeling every moment of intensity. Deep blue eyes piercing your spirit. For my being is within the beat, follow the sound of the drums to its finish. sweet serenity, the ease to which we drift into dreams together. Held together by strong arms and a gentle smile. it is how it should be.

Touch me, Touch me the way that you want to touch me. Hold me, Hold me close and breathe me in. Feel me, Feel me deep inside. Kiss me, Kiss me deeply and taste my words. Dance with me, Hold my sex against yours and move to the rhythm. Love me, for we make a beautiful melody. 

It took a great deal of strength to bite my tongue. To not say the things going through my head. If I let loose those words from my mouth, the consequences of such an action. There are moments in my life where, it is better left unsaid... My emotions are getting the better of me...

I think of you, I wonder if you think of me when you are away. I try, try hard to be independent and focus on what I must, but I count down the minutes you are away. I miss the seconds that we aren't talking. I love the feeling of being in your presence. It's warms my heart when you smile at me, or I hear your laugh. It is a comfort and it is what I hang onto while you are away.

I look back at roads not taken. thinking of what could've been. I could have been so many things, a swimmer, a painter, an actress. I could have taken several roads, and yet the road I am on feels right for right now. It's safer not to look back, and yet how do you know how far you come without looking to your history? I have laughed, I have experienced and loved. All of these things are a marker of a life well lived.

It's a funny thing to have someone adore you,  to truly own up to it and be present in the feelings swirling around. But to have someone see you for who you really are and not shy away from it,  extraordinary.  Normally in a life time you can rely on family to keep you,  to be your rock and everything...  then someone comes along and shakes the establishment.  Makes you think differently about yourself... makes you want to learn and grow.  It is fascinating when you have more than one person do that.  I sit and stare into cerulean oceans and I see a soul.  a soul of unyielding complexities and conundrums they take me deeper into it's depths until there is only a true entity of light in front of me I feel the ease and the warmth as I allow it to envelope me.  There is a comfort and a peace that surrounds me...  only in the places that we know can we truly be set free and I am free.  A soaring blue bird into t...

Grieving is exhausting. I feel like I have been hit with a truck. What is worse is that sleep doesn't come to me in my hour of need. Nothing seems to except for condolences. Now it's not like I don't appreciate them, I do... It's just that sleep would be nice right about now. I can't help but wonder about grandma right now. Is she happy? Is she finally with grandpa? Is she without pain? These thoughts keep me up at night. Grieving makes it so, some how my brain doesn't function the way it normally does. Grieving sucks.

I have ambition, Anyone can see it. It is not a secret that I believe that I can do anything I retained my imagination and can create things in my mind that helps me reach to new heights. I am strong and determined and I need to remind myself from time to time I was raised by strong and determined family, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I want to achieve much in my life.... I will succeed. 

My head and heart hurt, my loving nature has been shattered into pieces a loving soul was ripped from my breast. my memory of her is etched in my actions, mannerisms, and the tears that run down my cheeks. Loving someone with unyielding faith has its consequences. A hollowness settles into my chest and the heartache spreads to my extremities. I wish that she was as immortal as I believed her to be in my childhood years. She had such fire and zeal for the things she did. She was funny and her candor was educational to a younger me. in a lot of ways I have her to thank for my strength...  she raised strong women who influenced me to find my inner strength. I miss her and that will never go away. I sit here feeling my hollowness... I know it will fade but right now it feels intrinsic to my being I am...