Atalist's Dungeon

 When I was a child I believed in childish things.  I acted in a way that befitted my age and my world and that was what I knew.  I knew that life would be what it was for me, with my family, in a particular space and that I was still learning.  Now that I am older I am expected to know things, to be things that are just not me. I am expected to move on from things and adapt, but my head is stuck at a particular age, my body feels older and the world seems to move incredibly fast around me and all at once standstill in the minutia of the day.  but what happens when we get to a point where we are sick. When we adopt a sick role in our story, the last role we will ever take. What happens with the mind decays and is lost in a loop that has no translation. What happens when all expectation falls out the window, does your personhood get called into question? The world we know is subjective. It is our little slice of what we make of it... but what if that slice dement...

 I sit here and feel it. I feel the weight of the trauma.  It pushes like gravity, down to the ground I go.  I want to stand up and resist. To fight back and the ache of bones, muscle, and drive and push against the weight.  I want it to just shut off. Just for a second so I could feel weightless, to have the tension and pressure dissipate. So I can just float. To see the happiness and to move freely from restriction.  I want that for my mom. I want her to be able to float too. The hard and fast truths of my mom's reality are that there is no more vast ocean. No more sea or lake to float in. Carefree is not an option anymore and I hate it.  I want her, so much, to have a reprieve from it all and yet I also know what that means too. I don't want to see her go. I don't want to let go of her and see her cast her adrift with the current, slipping beneath the surface. She is my Mommy. She is something I wish I could keep forever.  So here I sit. Waiting for...

 It is easy to get wrapped up in the holiday season... get it? I made a pun... and there I just explained it. Lost again!  Our holiday was subdued much like everyone in the world. We are not really traveling, we are not really doing anything, and anything we did do took more measures and precautions than any previous years. Year 2 of the pandemic and I, like so many others, are so exhausted from the hypervigilance. This year I went with my parents and the boys to Bancroft on the 23rd. I was anxious and apprehensive about works as we lost not 1 person but 2. It meant that the new year was bringing a lot more work to my plate and a great deal of anxiety... but I didn't have to think about that, I could just enjoy the holidays. Well, while up in Bancroft, I was having a bit of a lay down (not really resting as the boys were still up) during the movie when we got a phone call. I looked at the caller Id and it was my sister. My immediate thought was that she was calling to let us k...