I haven't had the time

 It is easy to get wrapped up in the holiday season... get it? I made a pun... and there I just explained it. Lost again! 

Our holiday was subdued much like everyone in the world. We are not really traveling, we are not really doing anything, and anything we did do took more measures and precautions than any previous years. Year 2 of the pandemic and I, like so many others, are so exhausted from the hypervigilance. This year I went with my parents and the boys to Bancroft on the 23rd. I was anxious and apprehensive about works as we lost not 1 person but 2. It meant that the new year was bringing a lot more work to my plate and a great deal of anxiety... but I didn't have to think about that, I could just enjoy the holidays. Well, while up in Bancroft, I was having a bit of a lay down (not really resting as the boys were still up) during the movie when we got a phone call. I looked at the caller Id and it was my sister. My immediate thought was that she was calling to let us know that she was on her way with our cousins so I picked it up to hear nothing and then sobs. Something was wrong and immediately I sat up and asked into the phone what is wrong, what is going on? my sister spat out 3 words in between sobs. I. Have. Covid. Fuck, was the only thing that sprang to my mind and immediately went into damage control. Where are you? where are Kala and Jaden? What do you need? to which she responded she was still at work with no real way of getting home. When I calmed her down she was able to come up with a strategy but all of us in the room were sitting with a mixture of looks, shocked, devastated, and confused. Carly and I knew that this might be mom's last Christmas and the hurt of missing it was beyond anything that she could put into words. I decided then and there to make the best of the situation and that she would be a part of things virtually. 

The rest of Christmas felt like a mixture of joyous and somber reverence. It was an odd mixture but the kids were able to spend some time with their cousin Kai, and I spent some time with cousins, aunts, and uncles. It was calm. Christmas continued with some relaxation and frivolity (board games and the like) it was good. I was proud to have done another successful turkey dinner with my inlaws and was also very happy to see Greg, Laura, and Simon. It was lovely to also have time to just be a family with Doug and our hooligans. We geared up for New Year's eve when I got a call from my father on the 30th. It all seemed to change and shift after that. Mom had what appeared to be a stroke. FUCK. she was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance. Double Fuck. and with all of that dad was traumatized as was Aunt Pat. Dad had done his best to follow the protocols that we had put in place, which included calling the ambulance in such an event as well as calling aunt pat, however, he missed calling uncle Lawrence. to make things light, I joked that he got 2/3 and that "ain't bad" showing my inner Bancroftian twang. He laughed a nervous laugh and I prompted him to get ready while I sobbed. He didn't want to upset me, but I told him to keep telling me what happened as it would pass and that it was just the shock of the news. I then told him to grab the file folder and head to the hospital. What followed was 24 hours of phone calls, chasing doctor's reports, connecting the dots to the KGH neuro team, the oncology team our family doctor in Bancroft who was working in emerge that night. Another small miracle. They kept mom for observation and I went to bed at 4 am. The next morning I was woken up at 6 by a little boy and then went back to bed in his bed. I was then awoken by Doug handing me the phone telling me my dad couldn't get into the hospital. Another thing to solve I quickly woke up and started moving things along. Got dad into the hospital to hear that mom was being shipped down to Belleville for a CT scan. I honestly didn't know any information so I didn't notify anyone except for those involved, my sister and aunt Pat. I had told my Aunt to not notify anyone at that time because we didn't know anything more but she said she couldn't do that. I had a notion that maybe she had already been on the phone telling people but I didn't say much. I told her that there would be backlash, but she assured me there wouldn't be. Fast forward a few hours and we received a diagnosis. Mom had a tumor the size of a nickel. They wanted further imaging but it was not great. Radiology scheduled an MRI and we were going to get to the bottom of this. Now to notify the family. 

I started with the hardest and worked my way down. Normally you would want to start with the oldest, but in this situation, I knew that the hardest was the way to go as it could only get better with each call. Uncle Paul. I have never been treated so poorly by a family member before but the last two years have proven to me that there are always new lows to be reached. We certainly reached them with that conversation where I was repeatedly questioned and yelled at. I was told that "I don't believe a fuckin word you say" to things like "it was ignorant that you didn't call us right away, I have a right to know" When I responded that I was following the directive of my parents, he told me that "they had no fuckin clue what they wanted or needed at the moment" and that "it takes 5 minutes" and then to question every fucking move I made while I was entirely sleep-deprived like "why the fuck I didn't drive to Belleville" or "how come I didn't know about the one scan" ... it was constant vitriol like I was standing trial for every god damned decision in the last 2 years and I wasn't going to stand for it. The conversation ended with me hanging up on Aunt Laurie. She was incensed and took over from Uncle Paul and continued the whipping but I just couldn't take it. I was getting a call from the school board that I usually ignore, but it was as good of an excuse as any. 

Next was Aunt Pat, not to say that Aunt Pat is difficult, but considering we hadn't been seeing eye to eye on her telling her siblings previously in the day I thought I would just call her and tell her how wrong she was. That turned into me bawling my eyes out to Aunt Pat, Aunt Linda, and Aunt Betty. I explained the situation and they were aghast. I was exhausted and hurting and it just felt like I was failing my mom. I realize objectively that I was doing everything I could and that Uncle Paul was being a prick because he is afraid, but sleep-deprived Lindsey was emotional and needed to let the last 24 hours of emotion out. It was too much and I needed a reprieve. Aunt Pat said she would handle it and then I moved on to Aunt Rhonda, it was short and sweet but she told me to hang in. I ended with Aunt Kathy who was wonderful. She offered to go up the following week to help, to bring a new cell phone to my parents, and to just be there. Peace of mind and to touch base with her later on in the week. 

New years came and went and was subdued with good chats, good fun, and great company. Kerry came here and we had a pretty fun time, but the underlying worry stuck with me. It clung to me and I could not shake it. Even now I feel it. The next day I checked in, multiple times... but I needed to know that mom was good. I let the rest of the family and friends know and then prepared for the onslaught of work ... remember that anxiety I talked about earlier... all of it rushed on Monday morning. I sat in my home office and felt the inability to move or to make a decision. Where to begin when everything is a clusterfuck. Who do you talk to when it is all a giant fucking mess? how do you make the time when things are disastrous around you? I got to work and focused on what I needed to do, knowing full well that Thursday was MRI day. I continued my check-ins with Mom and dad and updated everyone involved in mom's care of what had transpired over the holidays. 

Thursday finally came around and I had to leave early to get to KGH for 7am. I got there and of course, mom was in a horny hurry to get into the hospital so I missed her. I called the new cell phone they had and dad was able to answer it. We chatted and then dad came out to see me. He was angry. Angry because he is trying to take care of mom but he is at his limit with patience. It is a hard thing to be a caregiver and he has done it graciously up to this point so I felt that he was entirely justified to vent and get it out. We talked and then he went back in to find out that mom was confused and told the MRI people that the catheter had a metal end... FUCK. Dad didn't know what to do, but that would mean that things would take longer than anticipated. She was taken in right away after an assessment with the on-call nurse. I left before mom got out but called them as they were leaving. An hour later I got a call from Dr. Fabio's office. They had the results and wanted to talk to us the next day about them. DOUBLE FUCK. That typically means bad news... so I braced myself to tell my parents. I arranged for a conference call for all of us to be on. We had two of them lined up. One with our family physician and one with mom's oncology team. 

Friday rolls around and we have the first meeting. Carly wasn't able to be there so she asked me to handle it solo with mom and dad. We got the diagnosis. 1 large tumor, 20-30 tiny partial infarctions floating through mom's brain causing seizure/stroke-like activity. HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Tears fell down my face in streams. I had to focus though. I had to ask the appropriate questions. we talked for over an hour and our family doctor was wonderful. He explained that he wants to be more involved in mom's care including but not limited to home visits, a home hospice care program that gives respite for my father, and a standing order for certain tests and medications. He was in our corner in a big way which is a huge relief. On top of all of that, he is there for Doug and me as he wanted to take us back as patients. He knew we were without a family doctor and wanted to make sure that I was receiving care and counseling for "palliative-ing" my mom. I felt so supported and that meant so much. Also one less worry about trying to find a doctor for my whole family. 

the next call we were all on, Dr. Fabio explained things as best as he could and then discussed the plan. He wanted to radiate Mom's whole brain. Okay, but he needed to confer with mom's whole team. Neuro, Dr. Robinson, ... everyone. He told us to give him a few days and that he would set up a conference call. What was supposed to be a few days was an hour at best. He called me and mom and dad, Carly was on a call with patients and couldn't join us... but the decision had been made. Radiation to mom's whole brain. She needed to be in Kingston Monday morning to be fitted with a mask. There were going to be other therapies on top of that, but Dr. Fabio did not want to wait. He wanted to give mom as much time as possible. He also wanted to schedule an echocardiogram and a chest scan to see if the "tiny tumors" were coming from mom's heart. That part is where I stopped breathing. The world spun around and then stopped. I didn't want to think of it being there and I didn't want to think of what other problems could happen if it was in her heart. It would mean more departments and potentially a shorter timeline for mom. I was quick to get off the call because Dr. Fabio seemed confident and I didn't want to start bawling and show mom that I am falling apart. She needed to believe that she could do this next part, but to be honest, if she said she didn't want to do it, I would have understood. It is a brutal thing to go through and she has already been through so much. 

The rest of the day I panicked, I cried until I felt numb. I needed the numbness. I needed to not think about the fact that we are progressing down this road... that we are going to lose her and soon. FUCK. I don't want it to be the truth and in the reality of that, I see where I am in relation to my grief. A good friend told me that there is time for grief later and I firmly believe that... but the effect of denying me feeling this has been that today I have crashed. My emotion plummetted to the ground and I just don't have anything more to give to anyone. I rage cleaned. I baked... my rituals for dealing with hardships and finally, I sat in the bathtub. Water has always been a release for me and in that instance, it wasn't doing it. I finally called Doug and bawled and talked it out with him while I was in the tub. I got through a moment that felt difficult because he just sat with me. Talked it out and was gentle with me. There are moments where I feel that he is too objective but I realized quickly, it's because he hasn't moved through this yet. I don't want him to, but at the same time... he will and I will be prepared to walk him through it. I talked about counseling and going to see my doctor and I think that is where I am at. I need to take some time to come to terms with things once again. To accept the impossible and to give me some grace to go through all of this. I am a very strong person and can withstand a lot... I know this about myself, and yet, I need to remember that all things that are strong can break. I am not broken yet, but I will be well on my way unless I put some things in place to cushion the fall. 

So that is where I am at... if you have been looking for me. Know that I am not ignoring you, I haven't had the time for even myself. I am here and am needing time and help and above all patience to get through this. 

Linds