Closer to the truth

 I feel like I am on my own with all of this. I have been unlucky in the sense that when my sister did her 23andme, she found out everything in one go. People had already found out the information and she didn't need to delve too far to find out who her donor is. I did my 23andme and found out minimal information. Subsequent tests yielded more results but still no where in the realm of figuring out who this person is. It has been tricky and difficult to find out information. It is also an isolating experience because while my family is supportive, they are terrified that I am going to go digging for a new family.  Their fears are somewhat warranted in the sense that I am pissed off at them still, but they will always be my family and they have been trying to atone for past grievances. It's hard to talk to anyone about this because honestly, most cannot relate. I am a 40 year old IVF/ donor conceived child who recently found out and am coming to terms with all the lying and the betrayal. Couple that with my mother being dead and unable to answer for anything, I have a lot of anger that cannot be processed by talking it out. What am I going to do, yell at an urn? sure it would be somewhat cathartic, but it in no way gives me the answers or response I want... to be honest, I don't think if my mother was alive I would get the answers or response I want, better to yell and the urn. 

All of this leads me to feel like I am on my own. Even my own husband doesn't know how to support me in this and if the roles were reversed I couldn't honestly say I would know how to deal with it either. There are no how to guides on this kind of betrayal and anger, there are no "what to do now that you have found out you are donor conceived at your 40th birthday" books out there in the self help section (I checked for giggles). All that is to say that I feel the isolation. I feel the hurt and I feel the constant struggle of jumping on Ancestry to try to figure this out and map it. I have gotten a little further but I am still trying to piece it all together. There are holes, I am reaching out to people but it is awkward. I have also run into the setback that some people just don't want to help or cannot be bothered, which is their right. It just makes it tricky to fill in the holes when they may hold vital information that could lead me to my donor. I have gotten so good at messaging people to say,  yep I know this is awkward but here is the info and any info you can provide would be much help. 

I am not sure how to end this, but I feel alone in this.