Atalist's Dungeon

There are moments in life when things end. They hardly seem fair, but there is a reason for it and end of a friendship, marriage, life? It's all relative and painful. Its as if it were meant to be. Someone can walk into your life and walk out just as quickly you were touched, and shared and left. A choice not entirely your own, Yet, meant to be. You were here with purpose. Its not that I am not sad. I am, I feel the agony of not having you around. It hurts more than anything. But i know, someday we will meet again. Someday we will know the purpose for all of this. I miss you and I grieve you.

I ache, Feeling everything from the inside out. low and forelorn. I feel my feet in their resistance to stand, My head in its turmoil of thought. Arms not wanting to carry the burdens I have. Responsiblities aren't always fun. They are a daunting task sometimes. Life is wear and tear for the soul. My soul feels a little ragged from the trip thus far. I tire of the trials and tribulations. I wish merely to float, I am reminded of a movie where they say "we all float down here" however I know that I wish to float my cares away. To not wonder about the trivial things and merely live.

A weekend in ruins, or at least I thought it would be. I expected the worst and the best did happen. I found I was missed. I felt and feel loved. I was so unsure of how things would go. They were fabulous. I was touched by the sentiment of others. It was the relaxing time away that I needed. Cleared my head of a few things the water could not. I am blissful.

I had a dream about you today. It was unusual as I haven't had one about you in a long time. I wonder why. Why now have you decided to enter my sleep? Is it the fact that I am stressed? I have too much to do and not enough time to do it. I feel split and unable to focus now. One at a time. Concentrate. I wish you were here sometimes, but I do know better than that. Its difficult, but I know you aren't what I need. There is something better for me. Someone better has already shown me light.

A mysterious friend, an entrance and exit unprovoked. I miss thee. Already I wonder. exhilaration gone. Confinement in a small town. leaving things is the hardest thing to do. The connection powerful. Unlike anything felt before. Strange how things like these can randomly come into light. A trip and a river. A connection found and lost. Not lost, per say, misplaced. Things are so confusing. Nothing is ever simple. Not like childhood. I miss you. My soul longs for your return. It aches and knows that one day, some day soon, we will meet again.

Cheaters never prosper. Lies always come out. You wonder if these truths come out, why anyone does it anymore. To hide, create subterfuge. Inevitably it will come out. everything always comes out in the light of day The sway and swagger of the deceptive tongue. keeps me guessing. What can I believe? What can I do to see the light of day again. So many shadows and half truths enveloping me. I just wish for the light. I yearn for it. When I will know where I stand, and more importantly where I will go.

I haven't heard, I wonder what is going on. Questioning if it was reality. That things happened this way. I have decided things, and yet am questioning the motives of my decisions. Things are finalized, yet malleable. Nothing is ever set in stone. Ever. longing has a way of creeping up on you and changing you. Your plans, your life, everything.

I sit here and wonder, What it is that people are after. What is the drive to try and tear people down. Lies, tricks and belittlement, all apart of their craft. but why? Entertainment, pleasure, making themselves feel more important? It is never ending. Bothersome and confusing. People are predictable yet interesting. They all state that they are good and firmly believe they are... yet we are all wicked and cruel. In my time alone, I have countless examples. More than enough reasons to not trust anyone... yet I do. I think that may be the most perplexing of all. Our ability to trust and merely believe, what with all of this unsavory behavior about. its a miracle and a curse. Just sets us up for disappointment later. I have been disappointed countless times. and yet here I go again. Masochistic and naive, I go again. To hope (yes there is my folly)... to hope for change to hope for the anomaly to exist. to believe that there may be some good out there. Idealistic to a fault.

I am feeling more than I would like to admit. Its been awhile since I have had the pangs I am having. I want, and need something. Its more than just intimacy. I am a sexual creature. I long to be held and to be touched. to feel lips on my skin and hot sticky breath at my neck. to lose myself in the moment. To feel everything at once. To stir and feel satiated. I want that. Its not a matter of horomones. Its a matter of longing. to have someone want me in a primal way. To want them back equally as intense. To crave my flesh and feel me. to feel my body ache and quiver with sentiment of the moment. A moment where everything is simple. About the two souls cultivating something in each other. Two hearts, one rhythm, one truth.

I am angry. That much is clear. I ride the rollercoaster. The highs and lows of the angry train. Regardless, I am angry. It is in me. Occasionally boiling to the surface. I can't control it. I feel almost consumed by it. However there is an inch of me that fights it. I hate the fact that I am angry. I hate the reason why. The fact that I am horribly damaged. As much as I look unscathed, I am broken Probably the most broken of many... I stumble on occasion. This would be the high on the rollercoaster. The result, me screaming at the top of my lungs at anything that moves. I know that I am being irrational, part of me doesn't care. Do what I can to get it out. There are moments where I imagine myself driving a gas truck through his house, moments where I hope to hell that he gets his woman on the side pregnant. I know I shouldn't hope for that, but fuck. The guy got off scott free. Does he not realize that he leaves carnage everywhere he walks. I am angry, Angry with purpose....

I am a busy girl, always with something to do. The sun is shining and I am thinking of going for a swim. Lower myself into the water? Hell no, Jump right in. Might as well make a splash. a large entrance for an equally large personality. feel the weightlessness and soak. Move through it like a knife through butter. What was I supposed to do? Clarity of my basic and most honest instinct. To swim my cares away. No tension and a good night's rest my way. On for a busier day tomorrow.

I focus on the conversation, I feel nervous, yet composed. Its been so long since I merely just sat and recollected on things past. At least to have them put in perspective. A smile here and a nod there, yep still a little nervous. I feel out of shape. perplexing I know, but I feel like I have not had practice. I watch and interpret and see a million things. it is exhilarating to be talking like this... feeling like this. New and fresh, yet we talk about the old and past. I have this wonderful sense of kinship. Like I have known you before. It does not feel like I need to put a whole lot of effort forth, things are comfortable. So many questions and so much more to do... I will see what adventure I am taken on now.

SLUT! there are times where I want to scream it. To yell it at you. There are also times I want to shake you. He will be done with you sooner rather than later, yet you still stay. Add you to the club, show you the secret handshake. Yet, I don't want you to be apart of anything I am. I cannot tolerate you. You make me feel ill. There are days where I want to hurt you. There are moments where I wish to move past words to get you out of my way. You are vile and loathesome. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. You are the next victim, but I do know that you knew what you were doing in part. I know that this was something planned. You wanted to hurt me. To save him... like he needed saving. He lied to you and he will continue till you decide not to be blind. I will wait for the day when he leaves you and I will laugh. Karma will out. I will get my justice, and you will get old and he will get bored of you.