Atalist's Dungeon

There are times I cry, I sink and feel the weight of worry. I drag each problem behind me. Its hard to let issues fall away, I am controlling and need to complete what I start. I got myself into this mess and will dig myself out. There is no shame in asking for help, All that is in the way is my pride. My strength abounds yet I falter. I question and doubt. Paradoxical.

My head is filled, My heart is on fire. You kissed me tonight and my mind raced. I needed to feel touched and special. You accomplished that task. You stir in me old feelings. it is like riding a bike. I am learning to adore you all over again.

I walk down the road to reminisce, of days gone, days here and days to come. It is strange of how I got to this point. Fortuitous really. the little hands weave fate so delicately. Everything intertwines. you've been where I have been and seen the things I have seen. We walked down the years in separate paths, yet ended up in the same place. Funny how life is. I was meant to meet you again, If not to enjoy the company, to find solace in a friend.

So many things I am trying to write down, to put pen to paper or type to a responsive keyboard seems mundane some days. I just let it flow out of me. There are so many questions I have, but if I go to ask them I am assured I will get more questions. I don't want that... so I sit here... and ponder... I am being bad. I know that. I am in that mood that causes me to get into trouble. Should I restrain myself? Probably, but will I is the better question. I don't have many to answer to... Maybe I should test the waters... see if I can be as bad as I want to be. says the little devil on my shoulder. the Id has a funny way of getting to you on occasion. that primal force that flows just beneath the surface. Sometimes its current cycles to the surface. I being an agent of its rhythm heed to it. on occasion. We shall see how this plays out. my angel has faith in me... Yes my dears, we will.

I am exhausted, all the energy just pours out of me, To do the right thing. Its not the doing part, its the after. So much to do still, burnt out from it all. Make it 3 more weeks and it will be fine, yea, just 3 more. my own little pep talk.

I awake to the early morning light, I see the lush outdoors and I smile. A cool breeze comes through my window, I smell its crisp cool scent. Fall is coming. As much as I hate to admit that, it is inevitable as is life and death. It is transition. I pull myself from the warmth of the covers. a chill creeps up. My warm feet touch the cool hardwood floor and I hear the boards creak Its unearthly, such quiet. I disturb it with my movement. the light peers in from each window, trying to eradicate the shadows that lurk. I tip-toe to the bathroom to see the damage a good nights sleep has done, Bleary eyed I look at my reflection. I feel content, not worried about how I look. I am not worried about impressing anyone at this point. I take time to prepare myself for the new day. skittering across the floor come two little puppies wanting out. They are excited to see me, they are thrilled that I am up, of course for their purpose, to let them out. Why else would I be up. I quietly walk with the ...

All I feel now is rage. You, You son of a bitch. Do you not see what you do... what you have done. You are fucking ridiculous. Can you not keep your dick in your pants? honestly. You leave carnage wherever you go. You hurt people and mess with emotion, which you don't understand because you are devoid of it. You are an actor and through the years you have learned to fake it. Well you aren't the only one who has faked things dear... I am glad that I am rid of you, horribly sad to see the human wreckage you leave behind, Sad because I know how they feel. I don't have to deal with this anymore, For once I am stable in myself. Stable in who I surround myself. Happy now that you are gone. Karma is a bitch and I can't wait until she kicks your ass. There are days where I hope that you get one of your conquests pregnant, days where I hope that for nothing more than for you to get your just desserts. Yet, I figure you are already getting it because your life seems pretty hollow...

I am a girl with many talents, Something I have known all along. I know that I am atune to things. yet I cannot control. I cannot satiate this urge. This longing I have. it is primal and a forceful urge. I am lustful. I think and feel and crave. how cannot I now control this? to feel force between my thighs and feel content in that. but alas I cannot. Its not that I am inept or that its anyone's fault. It is just i am hungry. It is constant. To feel warmth of someone, To sit atop them with glee and move, To feel wandering hands and know, know that you are a focal point for their existence at this moment in time. Enjoy eachother... My sin is lust.

I awake this morning like every other morning, however this morning I awake to shock of a beautiful day, everything forecast said it would not be. Said it would be miserable, but of course my boss is on holidays, so it will be beautiful and sunny. I have to go into work soon. I feel like procrastinating... today is going to be such a long day. Disappointing for some... but a long day regardless. I am already starting to feel what this summer has done to me. the busy is taking its toll. I just wish things were like they were this past winter... Carefree. I traveled around and saw people. I spent weeks of time in places and went on adventures. my sails were filled with my own reasons and purpose. I long for that again. When my time can become my own. When I can do what I please. Too much is not my own right now, I am about to change that. to think, a random sunny day could provoke that in me. That sense of change. Today is an inspiring day.

I listen to this song and it fills my head. It makes me want to cry. such an ugly title for a beautiful song. It makes me feel like I can float. Like its calling something in me. It touches my soul and I move. It beckons me and I comply. No resilience in me. It fills me with dreams and with thoughts. Yet it clears my head. like my dreams are reality, there is nothing overshadowed with fog. I sway and am filled with emotion. Tears stream down my face. It gives me hope. I am reminded that all my young beliefs are still in me. That sort of innocence still is in there. I am not as naive as I was, yet, behind all the serious and the hurt and pain, I still have held on to some semblance of youthful value. I am overjoyed to feel this stir in me. an echoing of excitement and young love. Remembrance of a time where things were simpler. When I lied in bed listening to a song and thinking about a boy. Falling in love and feeling compelled to share it with the world. I lie here and cry, I feel the...

I feel unused. Uninspired sometimes. The malady for the common dreamer. even my body feels barren. My loins have bore no fruit. Yet I don't feel unfulfilled. I satiate the common cravings. I don't have the cherub like child to prove this, yet there are times I want it. I see everyone my age with children, to me that is reason enough not to have one. I know that it is not the time for this, Yet I provoke my inner biological clock when thinking such things. What would it be like. I have walked the unsuccessful route once before, My previous partner was lacking compassion and understanding. It was an adventure that was not meant to be. I am content for the sake of the child that it was not present for that. He will always be that person to me. I don't think its healthy for me to wonder on that prospect. I am young and I have dreams, they will come first before I venture forth to that road. I would like to settle for a real marriage first. A partnership is a dream... that I wan...

I sit here and wonder, I do that a lot don't I . Think, reflect and dream. my head is so far in the clouds sometimes I think I can see the divine. Constantly in the sunlight, that is until someone yanks me down to reality. I hate that. Leave me be in my perfection When I am down here I see grey. I see sad and I feel it. I wonder why anyone would want to live this. the sad and the grey. I fight to break the storm clouds, to part them and see the bright again.

My face is a reflection of you. Freckles that tell a story. White blonde hair shines from your light. your life force shown. You turn me from white to red in a matter of seconds. Surely you know your effect on me. Eons of time to perfect it. You beam and I smile. I wait patiently as you radiate. So many opportunities for me to take advantage of. a new day and dawn and already I feel the pull.