Atalist's Dungeon

There are moments, moments when I decide exactly what it is I want... Then I change my mind. Oh the prerogative of being a woman. Its ridiculous really. I know my goals and can see the finish line, however there are all these hurdles which just get in the way. these hurdles have names, Indecision, doubt, fear... Now many know me to be confident in the things I do, yet these hurdles still exist for me like anyone. I just roll with it if I trip over one. A big hurdle for me is my appeal. I didn't really realize how I appeal to the opposite sex. Like i have said before I don't see myself clearly. I don't think that will change any time soon. yet I am content with this. I am glad that it doesn't effect anything. My looks are my looks. plain and simple and me...

I should be in bed, yet I am awake. Staring into the abyss of my wanton computer screen. Contemplating my life. Everything resonates change. All signs point to something huge happening. Dancing in a cast or deciding for myself where to go. I look to the stars, but they have no answers for me. For they are long deceased. The memory is what I see. I wish I could tell from that where to go. I need to find my north star. the breeze is rolling through, smell of decay, sweet and pungent. Change is happening every where. I just need to find which way the wind will blow tomorrow.

I want to hurt you, to make you feel. I want to manipulate you, Bend you to my will. Break your spirit, and all that remains. Is the bitterness of your empty smile. Breaking the rules is hard to do, you do it with profound conviction. I want to mold you into your true self. Let everyone see how dirty you really are. Tear the flesh and let it out, the anger and the blood drip to the floor. You will smile because I will make you. Your eyes will be red and sore. I want to make you watch, the horrors that you will commit. Scar you and take your sanity. Make you fall away from yourself. then and only then, you will truly see. The effect you have on the world.

YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT! you... there are so many things I wish I could put into words. So many things I am thinking right now. They all involve the rage that is running rampant through my body If I could find a way to make you feel the pain I feel I would. I instead I get to hope you will get what you gave me. that is all I can do. Fuck I thought I had moved past all this. All this fury I have with what you did, yet here I am again. Wanting to make you feel the resentment I feel. To see the look on your face and know that I am the cause of the pain. I wish I felt nothing. Simply, I wish there was nothing left to feel about you. But the contempt will always remain I think. It is the very last thing, the very last inch of you left. The history remains, However, it is the last thing I have of you. eventually I will hold you no more.

Echos in a house at two in the morning, I type away and it reverberates down the hall. I am trying to be quiet, yet I am failing miserably. I sit here and think. Think about my plans, the busy day ahead... as they always are busy. That is what busy bodies do, they stay busy. I try to focus on one thing at a time. Think bigger picture and plan everything out. It is a gift of mine to be this organized through chaos. I also think about my predicament. What on earth am I going to do with myself? How am I going to dig myself out of this? Why is it that I have an astounding number of great men chasing me? It is awkward. I am not used to this. I think the most astounding thing is that they all say the same thing. Maybe I don't look at myself like anyone else does. I am overly critical of myself. I hold my standards for myself high. I know I can achieve more if things are just out of reach. To confusing and yet simple. I never claimed to make perfect sense. I just know that I feel my surro...

There are times, profound times where I feel you. You aren't here, not even close, yet I feel you I sway and feel you move me. My heart flutters and I quiver. I have goosebumps. a smile comes across my face, and I feel safe. I know I can make it through anything. You make me feel like that is possible. You give me support and I feel like I can fly. If I fall I know you will be there, to help me pick up the shattered pieces of a failed dream. You bring forth in me, Who I am and the person I have yet to become.

when I think about the world, I wonder how I can shape it. It is an old wonder. Remarkable. Yet, we do so much damage. I wonder what piece of the puzzle I am. The destroyer of worlds or someone trying to make a difference. I aspire to do great things, but will that help our cause. Will it help us to leave something as beautiful for the next generation. We are merely keepers, guardians of the vast green and the blue ocean depths. The depths in which I love passionately. How can one aspire to help something when they don't know where to begin. I want to do something big, not something miniscule. To change the world you need to think big. Go big or go home as some friends would say. Someday I will have the vision and the ability. For now, I don't neglect the small wonders and victories.

I find you here. In your place of solitude. You stir in me. Normally I am driven by chaos, yet in you I seek peace. You the force of some of my creative talent. When you are away my words seem vacant. Why is it that I am fixed on words when you are around? The stillness and contentment of thought and prose, all these things spring forth from you. You the creative soul, I the dreamer am transfixed by you.

awake and renewed with a new day. It is not an easy process. The mind takes its time to adjust to things. By the time I am ready I am behind. It really sucks to start off the day catching up. so many things to do and see, keep them all straight. lets see the accomplishments of yesterday, let them play and intertwine with the decisions of today. the future looks really bright at 6am.

I am of the sign water. I live and and breath the tides and shores. The currents lull me into a deep sleep. Where I dream of the chance to swim. breathless in my excitement, I come up for air. I realize then that I am just dreaming, dreaming for a chance to make it a reality. To wait until it is warm enough again to let loose. Let my inner water baby take it all in and glide through to peaceful waters.

Listening to my heart with a song in mind. Dancing aimlessly around my safe place. Displacing my thoughts and feelings. Traveling from my body through space. Time is relative to the task at hand. An hour ago felt like minutes gone by, and now the every second seem to take their time. The times I am alone are the times I sigh. I think about the dance, the movement of you and I. my head fills with sentiment. the missing moment makes me want to cry. I cheer myself up with the memories of laughter, Thinking of the look on your face. I start to grin and realize, I will see you soon by almighty grace.

I am at peace. I feel tranquility wash over me. Lying here in thought of you. Perplexing, yet brings a smile to my face. I smile and think of how happy I am, or rather how happy you make me. I don't worry about upsetting you or what I will do to screw this up. I worry about your well being and what I can do to make you happy. you are in control of your own happiness, I know this, yet I want to help you achieve it. I want to see you aspire to be something greater, and help you accomplish it. I look at you and smile. Your pictures give me solace for the time we do not spend together. I whisper your name in hopes it will bring you to me sooner. love is blinding, I think I am starting to lose my sight. All my hopes and wants are for you to be well. it is a new feeling.

I have been writing for a long time, nothing set in stone, I have been looking for the right line. Never found the right tone. my poetry comes to me, at all times of the day. When I think about my life, and the people that make it sway. they are the catalyst to this experiment, my experiment in prose. they see me at my highs, and fear me in my lows. I go to the dark place, and my poetry takes flight. Concerns a plenty when I write about my plight. Overall this satiates, my need to get it off my chest, I hope people keep on reading more on the way; they will surely be my best .

off to dream of happier days, where I am carefree of troubles, and dark dreams that slip away. An aries you say, loves the fire, to watch everything burn is their greatest desire. Well I am a pisces, with the fishies I play. To swim in dark waters, that take my stress away. You can watch it all burn as I wash it clean, in the end nothing will ever be pristine.

In dark dreams I lurk for you, I creep and I anticipate, in the darkness I yearn for you,I long and ache. I smile as you walk around, not noticing my glance, you take my breath away when I watch the way you dance. You move a little closer, you are now in my sights. I tense up and become anxious, resisting my urges takes all my might. I long to touch you which will go way too far. you're my delicate and beautiful, my very own shining star.

I miss you without thought or reason. I care and feel loss. I am transfixed by the grief I feel, yet I know you aren't gone. Distant, but not far. The universe just doesn't want us to talk. To listen and understand each other... How unfair and cruel. To give us the time to be together, then take it away, no one said life would be easy but sometimes, it can be ridiculous.

The air is thick with memories past, we reminisce about childhood ways. A reprisal of childhood adoration, a smile here and lots of blushing there. Look around and see the ghosts of our former selves playing. We recognize what joy we had in that. Laughing and running as if we were 8 again. We realize that everything changes, however we are fortunate that we see that we have remained close to the same. We grow older, yet we recognize in ourselves the children we once knew. We sit side by side and swing on swings like nothing has changed. Two children again, Merely enjoying company and playing.

Its a beautiful day, yet I am contemplative of its out come. A lot of things have been left unsaid. Maybe for the best. I am starting to wonder about the way I am doing things. Maybe it is not the best course. I feel unsure, unsteady and unpredictable. Not good. I miss you without thought or reason. I think that is why I feel unwell suddenly. A girl can think and dream reality has a funny way of creeping into it. My dream is not perfect I strive for perfection yet it is unattainable. How unfortunate. I miss you without words.

I am having a craving, of the despicable kind. I am lusting for you, you are always on my mind. I talk to you, and blood rushes to my skin. My heart beat quickens, I am dying to let you in. To feel your warmth, your kisses on my lips. to look into your eyes, as I swing my hips. To shake and shiver, move with delight. To push you to the brink, with every little bite. To think about these things, drives me wild. its a torment I must bare, until no longer riled. I miss you, in an animalistic way. to not feel you, brings me great dismay. Hurry up and get here, so I can feel peace. So these cravings can be real, and my pain will finally cease.

So many places I am going to go. Many Goals to achieve, Its deciding, Where to start. I know what I want to do, I want to be there already. There is a process to things though, which takes time. I am not a patient person. Decisions are made and nothing will change them. I want what I want. I want to be in my career and to have a family and a marriage. Yet at the same time, I am enjoying the fact that I am not tied down by those things yet. Nothing to weight me in place.

It is late or early, Yet, I cannot stop thinking. No way to put my mind at rest. There is so much I have to do, so much to get ready for that I am becoming overwhelmed with it all. Change is in the air along with a cool fall breeze.