I am drunk... so, time for the ramble.


This is going to be fraught with spelling and issue but I seriously don't give a fuck. Here is how I am feeling.

I go between thoughts of the world is fucking ending and how could I do this to my children to ... this is fine, everything is fine, whilst standing in a burning house. I contemplate how the fuck I am going to do this for the next several months because let's be honest. This will not be done in a month. This will not be done in a few months (September) we are going to be doing this for at least a year. Life will not be the same after this and nor should it be. We have lived through a modern-day plague.  We have survived and endured and all the while we learned in the process (hard to fathom I know) but at the same time, we have advanced.

I cannot pretend that this isn't hard, nor that I am not struggling (double negative, fuck I hate doing that) but reality being what it is ... I am struggling. I am struggling to get through the minutia and the stuff with the kids while working from home and maintain a household to the stand I have set in my own mind (talk about a mind fuck) but honestly, it is exhausting. It is exhausting negotiating all of the pieces of this because I am not the one who can go out and do the errands (compromised lungs) and I have to rely on others to do things for me which is also not a strong suit.

This week I have had video meetings and all the different seminars to tune into and I felt like I failed them. My failings are not keeping the kids busy enough, to not being with the kids there is no winning in this, only defeat. I should not set myself up to fail but I am the queen of that. My good friend Katie would at least remember that... fuck it has been a long time since I have chatted with Katie, another failing to add to the list.

Fuck, where was I going?

I had a beautiful conversation with a friend named Presley that made all the difference. It made me realize that my conversations matter, that my thoughts matter and that what I have gone through has validity to others, so the moral of the story is I am going to keep doing this.

I hope whoever reads this has a good night... I don't know where I am going with this... fuck.

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