Life Changes

 

I have been trying to wrap my head around all of the changes this year but it is hard to process so much in such a little amount of time. So please bear with me. 

The pandemic hit, and we were all fearful. Birthday parties became a non-starter. People stress bought things and the world gloved up, masked up, and felt the pressure of impending doom over a disease we had never dealt with before, at least in this severity. March was a time where the world held our breath and things ground to a stop. From there we were told that we would be working remotely (those who could) and that we were to stay home and away from people and to be safe. Life was hard but it did get harder, contrary to what we thought would happen. 

April brought the beginnings of spring and the hope that if we persisted with our safety response that September could look very different. Boy, we were foolish to believe that. The spring brought warmer weather and the change in temperature moved people to console themselves through baking and through outdoor activity. Bikes, Kayaks, and walking trails were a huge focus for this time. Mostly getting outside as therapy was huge. 

Moving into May, our world stopped. flat out stopped. Not because of the pandemic but because my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Here we thought that she had gotten bronchitis (which I had had) and that she was pushing through that. It wasn't. She progressively got worse. She went for tests and found an inoperable tumor in her left lung surrounding her aorta and pressing on her trachea. My heart stopped. Focus changed. Tears poured down my face on multiple occasions with the terrifying realization that I might lose my mom. Our suspicions were confirmed on May 8th where they told her it was not something she would be cured of. It had advanced to her lymph nodes and her liver. I remember the night before talking to my sister. We hadn't had many conversations in the past year because of some disputes we had with each other that were not yet resolved but in this instance, bullshit aside we needed to be there for our mother. I asked her point-blank, knowing that she would give me the hard response that I needed to process to be strong for her in the event that we did get shit results, what is it we don't want, and what is the prognosis. Carly told me and I will not repeat the prognosis but what we were wanting was for it to not be small cell lung cancer as it is very aggressive and spreads fast. In that instance, I formulated a plan. I was going to improve things for mom. she had been having a tough go with the illness she thought she had and with that amount of bad news and her and I had somewhat of a contentious relationship I knew some repairs needed to be made. I focused on what I could do. Admittedly this time in my life I concentrated on her and improving things. Not for the sake of me but for the sake of her. To show her I could be strong for her and that we could get through this. So the meeting was just a part of this. I went to her appointment and sat in a car, masked up with my father and my aunt. I programmed my phone so that way she could conference all of us. Covid restrictions meant that no one could be in there with her except doctors but I can tell you from that experience, it was brutal and heart-wrenching. We talked her through it but I was doing everything I could to not let my voice waver. Strength Lindsey, I kept thinking or things like Fuck, and damn it. and we can do this. I had to believe it so she would believe it. This is where the mettle gets tested. Carly and I had our talk the night before and focused on the things we needed to do. Assigned jobs in a way. Carly had a full handle on mom's medical. she understood it better than anyone and what we could do medically to get her through. I knew that my ability was to take on food, care, and making her happy (as Carly did too. Not to say she just did the medical, she did more than just that) So after that, I went and got a covid test. I had a bad day that day. When they told her terminal small cell, my head went to a dark place and I didn't want to focus on that, but hey I am human and when confronted with the worst you have to deal with that head-on. I had an ugly cry with two of my amazing humans. It was the first hugs I had had in over a month (besides my wonderful husband) but it was a hard day. There were a lot of tears and working through things. 

I came home when I couldn't cry anymore and went to work. I organized coming up to see Mom that weekend with the family. I arranged for food to be delivered to their house, I arranged for a new tv for mom and dad because theirs had quit working and I had ordered a new tv stand for the new tv. We were prepared to shock the shit out of mom and give her a good weekend. The great thing about the doctors was that they were wasting no time to get her in to start chemotherapy and radiation. They had plans too. They worked hard on a regimen and that meant to travel as well. I arranged to have time off or at least take work with me to be with my dad and keep him busy while mom was in treatment. That meant giving her our tablet to use so she could binge-watch Nashville and feed dad. The kids helped with the keeping busy part as they got grandpa to do all sorts of things... which takes us to June. The start of the summer hit and it meant traveling back and forth from our house to mom and dads. It also meant tough conversations, hair loss, and counseling. Mom and dad were back and forth from Kingston quite a bit which meant talking to mine/her tribe and coordinating things. It also meant that the chemo was in full effect and that hair loss was happening. It was a hard blow and honestly, I was glad to be there the day that it all came out. I hugged mom and told her she was still beautiful and threatened to shave my head. That freaked her out and she joked that between her and dad they had half a head of hair. At least she was able to keep her spirits up. This was also the time that family friends introduced mom to edibles. Marijuana is good for cancer patients for the sheer fact that they induce hunger and allow for sleep which was two significant hurdles. Food has always been a struggle for my mom and I knew that was the thing I needed to keep tackling. Pushing the good food and getting something in her system. There were funny stories of melted gummies and new job titles going onto the resume which make me smile, but June was full of challenges but also of beautiful bonding moments. I had wonderful days with my family and completed my counseling. I also had some tough conversations with my mother about plans, and in the event, things didn't go our way...  I was prepared but I didn't want to be. 

July was lovely. From our first date night thanks to my wonderful inlaws where we had a day to ourselves to more of the same, being cautious and staying away from our people. Isolation with the exception of those in our bubble... all was status quo for a pandemic until mom went for her scans... HER CANCER retreated! We saw the opportunity and were shocked as hell that it did. We celebrated, probably a bit premature, but everyone was so thrilled that it was gone. Like holy fuck was that a relief that the chemo had worked. I knew we weren't out of the woods yet but I didn't want to get overconfident. The doctors were prepared for the thought of it coming back. Hell, I still can't believe that we are here. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I am hoping it doesn't. Cautiously optimistic. We moved on to radiation. Mom loves doctor Fabio. August brought much the same, kids keeping grandpa busy, grandma being busy with treatments with back and forth, and some nice calming moments. We settled into the grove of this new normal with our sanitizer, masks, and rolling with not seeing our people in person. We accomplished that much. 

September brought a great deal of instability. Not in the sense, you would think as Doug and I were both still working, but more so with the kids. Kids were mandated to return to school and the anxiety crept back in. We couldn't do it. We arranged for things to be remote learning and also have a friend come to the house to do Montessori style training. There was not a lot of information to go on with respect to virtual learning. It was stressful and we continued on to keep some sort of a program in place. This was also the time that another dear family member started their journey with major surgery. This was a challenging and emotional time because while we were struggling to find another new normal, it was hard to mitigate that with many hands involved. Finally October we moved into some sort of schedule and stuck to it. It was quiet. While work ramped up and I wasn't able to keep going to get our amazing friend who worked with the kids, I worked hard to get through and to make sure everyone was doing what needed to be done when it was required. We renovated the kitchen in November and even had my parents down a couple of times. Now we are into December and things are chaos. Chaos in the sense that my medical tests are coming in January. Chaos in that case in KFLA and Ontario are ramping up and all the while we have Christmas looming. Do I want to miss Christmas with my mom? no. I am doing everything I can not to, including isolation and trying to keep everyone safe. The kids are doing okay. My 5-year-old is hitting the wall of virtual learning but is doing well at figuring out a computer and the kids have severe anxiety every time I leave the house. It is challenging. This is by no means me saying that this is bullshit or that there are problems with a vaccine. No political statement other than the fact that we need to still be cautious and vigilant. We need to keep doing what we were before as people are growing complacent and the numbers are rising. 

What I am saying through all of this is ... life is hard. Life is harder in the pandemic, but there is a way through. 

Just heard from my mom. The cancer is still gone. little miracles.