I have been struggling to find the words to explain things. 

I had a breakdown last night. Complete with an ugly cry, where I couldn't breathe. I felt claustrophobic. The world felt closed in. I could feel it tightly around me. Living through a pandemic hasn't been easy and I have felt that I have been doing all of this with the utmost composure and holding it all together. I thought, until last night. And then it hit. My husband for all of his virtues struggled to help last night. He tried to highlight things, things that I took as offensive. Things like, "do you think you are the only one struggling?", as an example. No, but that does not mean that what I am going through doesn't matter. I was not trying to illustrate how I was feeling superseded other's emotions, more so that plainly, I was not alright.  It is unusual that I am not alright... I roll with things, I adapt. Last night there was no adapt, only a flood of emotion coming out of me. 

All of this got me thinking, of course, I know I am not the only one feeling like this. I am wondering how everyone else is doing... how are you coping with all of this, with the weight of it all? It brought me back to the time when I was in counseling. One step at a time, one breath, one minute down to one second. Take it one thing at a time. Go outside. Do something for yourself. Think of plans you want to do. Write it all down and rinse and repeat. 

I will say this, the minutia of going through this is daunting. I feel like I have lived 3 years in this one year. Time has passed and yet it hasn't. It is a weird sort of purgatory between feeling loss, grieving the ability to be comforted by others (hugs and the like), and the overwhelming feeling of impending doom. It is weighty and it is hard to carry. Sometimes you just gotta put it all down and have a good ugly cry. Sometimes that is all that is needed. 

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