Atalist's Dungeon

 Time heals all wounds... So much anecdotal bullshit. Time doesn't heal wounds. People grow, but the wounds remain. We just learn to live with them. I am realizing that the trauma of all the things I have gone through in my life is like exploding paradoxes. They happen but there is no clear understanding of what I have just gone through and they blow up like fireworks. Almost instantaneous and with very little warning. I am thinking back to when the boys came into the world and how it was life-altering, but I did not know just how altering it would be. I knew I would love them but it is so much more than that. It is a paradigm shift. Like all of these exploding paradoxes, they are good and bad. Well, I am going through another. With my mother and her diagnosis. She is okay until she is not. When she is not it is world-shattering and I feel frozen with helplessness. So I ramp it up into overdrive. I go a million miles a minute in my mind doing all the things. This has always been th...

E xperiencing fuck you radio today. When you go through something and then all of a sudden the perfect song finds you. It is so cathartic to lose yourself in the melody and just roll with the song and let whatever emotions come. life hasn't exactly been easy, but there have been bright spots. My mom's birthday was lovely. Challenging at times but still lovely to spend time with family. There have also been joys with the kids. Doing experiments and having cuddles and smiles when normally I wouldn't be able to. I almost forgot that my mom had cancer and that life likes to kick you when you are happy. My birthday came and I was excited and looking forward to the day... well fuck you universe. It just took one look at me and said, how like life... and then I got a phone call that mom has a brain tumor. Fuck. the last few days have been filled with immense and intense purpose. Keeping everyone updated, okay, fed, driven to where they need to be, clothed,  etc. There was a great ...