Atalist's Dungeon

 Today has been a day full of conundrums of my personal history. I went to the hospital to visit my mom and was confronted with none other than the fuckwad that murdered my friend. When you run into people that you have absolute hatred for, you say you are going to do all these things, say all of these things to the asshole... but reality can be different. I couldn't believe I was in an elevator with him. I was surprised when he recognized my face and was promptly told to be quiet by the correctional officers accompanying him. It wasn't until I stopped hyperventilating and got out of the elevator that I could compose myself. he said thank you to me for holding pressing the automatic buttons for the door and yet all I could say was, don't you fucking thank me and I ran. I called my friend while on the run and I was breathless. I was in shock... but it was more that I couldn't believe that happened.  that a man, that damn near cut off my friend's head... was up and wa...

 Looking at the love my parents have and the relationship they have I feel so blessed by my husband. Douglas, you are everything I needed, everything I wanted, and the love I deserved. I remember a while back you told me after watching a couple of movies that we accept the love we deserve and I felt for the longest time I was under-valuing myself. I didn't see myself for who I was and the things I had to offer. It took me by surprise on the weekend when my cousin was boasting about who I was that I was shocked and embarrassed but all the things she said were true. I have never connected the dots to who I was and yet, you, my amazing Douglas did. You try to remind me who I am and how wonderful that is. You talked to my dad today about how I was your favourite person ever and that in itself is high praise because of the company you keep. You are incredible and I feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who takes things in stride... the things I worry about. You work tirelessly to ...

I am not wanting to be where I am right now. Not physically, physically I am next to my husband and that is always a good place. That is especially true given that today is our anniversary but today was a hard day.  Today was the understanding and the recognition of undeniable truths. My mother is dying. All of it is bullshit, but there are little moments in the mania that she smiles and for a second, is cognizant of where she is and I see a glimmer of the mom I have always known. The stubborn and funny person, the staunchly independent, and the brave and courageous... there is a person inhabiting space in my mom at the moment. That person is afraid, frail, delicate, and scary. She is unpredictable and does not understand what is going on. That is the person I am getting to know right now and it is hard.  I am also dealing with the grief and acceptance that what was is now gone, and where we find ourselves now is in for a world of change. I continually say I am not prepared an...