legacy

I am not wanting to be where I am right now. Not physically, physically I am next to my husband and that is always a good place. That is especially true given that today is our anniversary but today was a hard day. 

Today was the understanding and the recognition of undeniable truths. My mother is dying. All of it is bullshit, but there are little moments in the mania that she smiles and for a second, is cognizant of where she is and I see a glimmer of the mom I have always known. The stubborn and funny person, the staunchly independent, and the brave and courageous... there is a person inhabiting space in my mom at the moment. That person is afraid, frail, delicate, and scary. She is unpredictable and does not understand what is going on. That is the person I am getting to know right now and it is hard. 

I am also dealing with the grief and acceptance that what was is now gone, and where we find ourselves now is in for a world of change. I continually say I am not prepared and that I am not ready for this but in truth, there is no being ready and I am going to get there before ready even becomes remotely possible. 

Today in the quiet moment when my father was not here, I listened to a song and I broke down. It hit me so hard and so fast. I thought no one would notice, but I felt little hands wrap around me. Out of all of my empathetic children, it was Grayson. He hugged me and asked me to dance with him while I cried. It was such a significant moment. I recognized that my children are going through this, they are feeling the worry, the stress, and of course the busyness that comes with me trying to take care of everything. At that moment I had to drop everything and hold him and feel that moment. The hurt and the despair, the love and the gentleness of that sweet little boy. The boy who is mistaken sometimes for being rambunctious, staunchly independent, brave, and courageous ... traits that I now realize are traits he came by honestly... held me and it was like holding all of it together in a sweet moment that felt like an eternity of love and lasted all but seconds. Holding my mother, holding myself, seeing the line of strong and fiercely courageous people holding it all together and the legacy of it all. 

I am exhausted but sleep is eluding me, I am tired in my soul and that is not something easily remedied. I have to find the strength to keep it all going, I need to find the courage to hold it together for my family when they cannot and I need to find the grace through all of it. People keep asking me what it is that I need and what they can do but right now it is all independent work. Being there is just enough but I know that the loved ones in my life want to do more than just feel helpless. 

So here I sit... reflecting and hoping that tomorrow I am less of a wreck. That tomorrow I can find the pieces of myself to put them all back together again and repeat the damn process. 


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