Atalist's Dungeon

 Life is hard. Things are bad. There's my quick update.  I am tired. More tired than I have been. My weekends are supposed to be there to recharge, but no more. My weekends are full of worry, full of work, and full of logistics. I am trying everything I can to keep it together, to be there for my family but I am burning out. Tensions are running high and I am not tolerating any bullshit. None in fact.  My mother has been given a terminal diagnosis. It would be similar to saying an abbreviated sentence as in a way, cancer has made her its prisoner. leptomeningeal carcinomatosis. 2-4 Months and that in itself hurts. But she is being affected in such a way that she is okay, in her world things are fine. In our world, it is an entirely different story. We are hustling, we are coordinating and my dad is merely surviving taking care of my mom and we are feeling it. People are talking to us about hospice and the end of her journey and it all seems like a fucking nightmare. ...

 Okay, Story Time!  I went to the hospital as I usually do to go visit my mother and I ran smack dab into Jim. Yes, Jim. We had talked a little bit prior to all of this as he was having problems getting family to see his mother and was curious how my sister and I got away with both of us being able to go with dad. Dad and I went to visit and after our visit, we rushed to the elevator. When we stepped out on the first floor, an awkward visit ensued. It was strange and weird to see this person I had spent so much time hating in front of me. I just didn't have it in me to carry on the rage of hating him or really to care. It was also weird to see the passages of time on their faces (Jim and Shauna) and see the laughs, hardships stretched across their expressions. I know it shouldn't have perplexed me as much as it did, but I cannot help but think back to my past and wonder if I had challenged things earlier if my life would have gotten me to the same spot. It also made me appreci...

 An amazing author stated that "pain demands to be felt" and I feel it. I feel it keenly now. This rollercoaster has been nothing but traumatic. Like the little kid on a ride they found out quickly was too much, this all seems too much. I am not prepared for what is to come and yet, I feel all of it, like a blade cutting through flesh, it is sharp and hard and yet the pain dulls and settles in for the long haul.  I know I am not going to heal from this. Forever changed, I will carry this scar. The biggest scar I have ever experienced in my life. Traumas on top of traumas, this will be the hardest thing I will experience. I say experience but really it is enduring. I will endure this for the sake of those around me but to endure my love surviving something my mother will not. It is a fucked up thing to think about. That there is a finite amount of time with her and that time is exceedingly running out. I never thought or even imagined this is how this would go and yet here we ...