Pain

 An amazing author stated that "pain demands to be felt" and I feel it. I feel it keenly now. This rollercoaster has been nothing but traumatic. Like the little kid on a ride they found out quickly was too much, this all seems too much. I am not prepared for what is to come and yet, I feel all of it, like a blade cutting through flesh, it is sharp and hard and yet the pain dulls and settles in for the long haul. 

I know I am not going to heal from this. Forever changed, I will carry this scar. The biggest scar I have ever experienced in my life. Traumas on top of traumas, this will be the hardest thing I will experience. I say experience but really it is enduring. I will endure this for the sake of those around me but to endure my love surviving something my mother will not. It is a fucked up thing to think about. That there is a finite amount of time with her and that time is exceedingly running out. I never thought or even imagined this is how this would go and yet here we are, living it. 

Trying to talk to my dad, I feel the need to shield him from it. I am trying to teach him the things I know without saying things like, you are going to need this later, although it is something that does not need to be said. He knows. It is the silent understanding of what is going on, and in this silence, we are carrying the grief of what is to come. We know it is inevitable but we deny it in hopes of more time, more hugs and smiles and kisses. 

I feel like I am floundering and reaching out to anyone I know to hold on for dear fucking life. that someone, somewhere will save me from this. But knowing what I know, there is no saving me. There is nothing... but enduring. 

I will endure this. I may be broken on the inside, but I will endure.