Atalist's Dungeon

 I have been doing a lot of things solo recently,  I think it might be a part of my process in dealing with my mom being gone, but of course, I don't know. She was staunchly independent and in a lot of ways I am too, that came honestly but it's more than that. Normally I am quick to communicate with my family but right now I have a minimal appetite to do that apart from my father. For anyone who knows me, I love talking to people, and for me to all of a sudden stop seems troubling to those around me. For the first time in a long time, people are reaching out to me to check-in. Normally they don't have to because I am quick to call our to get in touch. That has not been the case recently and people are worried that I am becoming too insular in my grief.  To be honest, I don't think that is it, but rather I grew tired of the constant calling and organizing family and friends for my mom. It's nothing against anyone, but now that I don't have to be hypervigilant abo...

 I am supposed to be getting stuff done for mom's celebration of life,  I cannot for the life of me get it done. I feel like some childish notion inside of my brain makes me stuck. If I don't do anything for it then I don't have to say goodbye in that public way.  I have been having major issues with people expecting my grief to be performative and yet it comes at me when people aren't expecting it and then they don't know what the hell to do with me.  Grief is not fucking convenient. It attacks when you least expect it, I say attack because when it comes, it comes all at once without mercy. It punches me square in the throat and in the heart. I feel like most days I am getting through it, but man oh man... does it ever hurt the days where I can't. I don't feel like some of the people around me understand, and I do not have the capacity to explain it some days.  The hesitancy, the exhaustion, the trying to find me again with a huge piece missing. Was she int...

  Wedding Speech for Andy and Jamie Hi everyone, for those that don’t know me I am Lindsey, and for those that do, Hey! I have been friends with both Andy and Jamie for a long time and in fact, I have held other titles to Andy and Jamie, I am an auntie to their kids, I was Andy’s roommate for a time, and His co-worker, “donna”, Taskmaster, “linds” and corrupter but the one I am most proud of is Surrogate little sister. I know a few of you are probably questioning these titles but I assure you that most of them were well earned.  I want to tell a couple of stories today, but I first want to point out how amazing the two of you and the rest of the bridal party look today. I do have to admit I am impressed that you got Jay out of Fishing garb…. But that is because this is truly a special occasion. So back to Andy, Andy and I reconnected when it felt like both of our worlds were imploding, rather than letting it, we found refuge in each other… talking, making crude jokes, an...