Me, Myself and I and finality of goodbyes

 I have been doing a lot of things solo recently, 
I think it might be a part of my process in dealing with my mom being gone, but of course, I don't know. She was staunchly independent and in a lot of ways I am too, that came honestly but it's more than that. Normally I am quick to communicate with my family but right now I have a minimal appetite to do that apart from my father. For anyone who knows me, I love talking to people, and for me to all of a sudden stop seems troubling to those around me. For the first time in a long time, people are reaching out to me to check-in. Normally they don't have to because I am quick to call our to get in touch. That has not been the case recently and people are worried that I am becoming too insular in my grief. 

To be honest, I don't think that is it, but rather I grew tired of the constant calling and organizing family and friends for my mom. It's nothing against anyone, but now that I don't have to be hypervigilant about someone else's schedule, all things pertaining to the said schedule have ceased for me. I don't need to track down records at three in the morning and then proceed to call family with an update. I do not need to talk to my aunts regularly right now because what am I going to tell them? That I am still sad? That I miss my mom and hate I cannot talk to her? That I was so aggressively upset last night listening to videos of her because I apparently have started to forget aspects of her? They already know that we are not okay, and the way my family deals with grief is not to talk about it, just to get on with things. We are a show no weakness group, even though presently, we are all grieving. I at least understand that it is okay to show my emotions and to roll with what comes, but man, there are moments where it sucks the air out of the room. Part of me wishes I could breach things for them and be that person that forces the conversation, but right now I am feeling that I don't want to put my feelings in someone else's hands, at least, not theirs. 

I am trying to gear up for the celebration of life this weekend and the moments of sadness have become more prevalent. This extension of the grieving period without finality or rite of passage seems weird and somewhat lackluster. I understand why some people like funerals and wakes as they are for the living to move through a process to deal with their grief. It brings closure to something so traumatic and yet here we are living in somewhat of stasis... which is coming to a close. The finality of it is like saying goodbye to her again. It is re-opening a somewhat fresh wound. It is a reminder that she has been gone for nearly 3 months and that in itself sucks. My Mom has been gone for 3 months. The shock of that statement... she has been gone for a quarter of a year already and it feels so foreign. 

I made a promise and this weekend is the fulfillment of that promise. I promised that I would honor her the way she chose. I promised I would give her a celebration that she would wish she would be at and yet cringe at the thought of a party is about her. It means graciously, with tears streaming down my face, I will re-open those wounds to give her her last requests. It is the last thing she will ask of me and I will accomplish it, me myself and I. 





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