Why can't I do this?

 I am supposed to be getting stuff done for mom's celebration of life, 

I cannot for the life of me get it done. I feel like some childish notion inside of my brain makes me stuck. If I don't do anything for it then I don't have to say goodbye in that public way. 

I have been having major issues with people expecting my grief to be performative and yet it comes at me when people aren't expecting it and then they don't know what the hell to do with me. 

Grief is not fucking convenient. It attacks when you least expect it, I say attack because when it comes, it comes all at once without mercy. It punches me square in the throat and in the heart. I feel like most days I am getting through it, but man oh man... does it ever hurt the days where I can't. I don't feel like some of the people around me understand, and I do not have the capacity to explain it some days. 

The hesitancy, the exhaustion, the trying to find me again with a huge piece missing. Was she integral to me surviving, I guess I have to get through it now without her so that question is moot, but damn it... I didn't want to find this out in my thirties... I didn't want to have to navigate all of this time without her and here we are... 

Doug continuously reminds me that I haven't needed her in a while, and that is true, I have been doing okay at managing our world but I wanted her to be a part of it. I wanted the kids to know her and experience having a grandma for longer than being 12, 7, and 5. It seems like utter fucking bullshit and i get that we should celebrate the life she had, but I am feeling all the things now that the clock has stopped and her life is over. Her life is over? her life is over. It seems like such a weird fucking thing to say... her life is over? Is it? I would argue it isn't, but her ability to create and share in new experiences is gone. She is gone, but the stories, experiences, and things shared live on. 

Fuck, here I am playing the semantics game in my own head... kind of feels like self-flagellation. the back and forth in my brain. I am stalling... I feel stuck. 

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