I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past.
My experiences have brought me here, but looking back to my twenties and even to my teenage years, I barely recognize that person anymore. It is the cringe worthy history of the naive and impressionable walk through life that allows for you to focus on those hard lessons and wince at the notoreity that came with it. I also look at all the energy it took to be angry or mad at people and younger Lindsey had far too much time on her hands. I don't understand how I thought I was so busy then and in comparason I don't know why I complained so much. Clearly with age comes some semblance of maturity and I think a lot of that maturity is prioritizing what is actual important and letting go of things that aren't.
I have been lamenting the loss of some friendships or the lack of time I have to focus on others, but in the same breath some of those relationships needed to be let go. I am not saying they weren't valuable but more so that all parties involved had got all they could out of the relationship. Does it suck, yes but sometimes in order to move forward you need to move forward alone.
I have also been thinking about the experiences I have had in my life and the role men have played and I am angry. I am angry that I was "groomed" (if you don't know what this is I encourage you to look it up), I was angry for a lot more than just that, but for right now this will suffice... but the key thing here is that I am not angry at him anymore. You have to care in order to be angry and I just don't. to continue to be angry with someone requires dedication, commitment and I didn't feel that person deserved it. If anyone asks me about him, I will say exactly what is on my mind about him... but I am no longer carrying the burden of being angry. Same thing with my ex husband, he did some less that savoury things because he was angry at me. I didn't act on my anger because I knew I wouldn't care enough later on to deal with the repurcussions of those decisions. I honestly just want him to live his best life and that didn't include me.
But in reviewing these relationships I have seen the dark malevolence that men feel entitled to. That "grooming" relationship, that man wanted me and treated me like a conquest or trophy. the moment he had it, he could hold it up and lay ownership. All my past relationships wanted me to fit into a box. Where I was the whore in the bedroom, but demure in public. Where I was beautifully poised and put together, but could not be a hot mess in private. I had to be sexual, but not too sexual. Other more extremes were I had to have hair a certain colour, certain length, be a certain shape and certain weight, work at certain time but also cook, clean and make a house a home, go to school at the same time and entertain but make no allowances for trauma. I am angry with these males for thinking less of me being a woman, but also sad for them because they did not see me as equal. They wanted me to hop to and that is not what I am going to do. I am happy that I let those relationships go because I have found someone who just accepts me. For all of my hot mess. He just loves me. He just wants me to be happy and whatever I decide he is there cheering me on.
Some relationships need to be let go so that way the good ones can do more... quality over quantity any day.
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