because cancer...

 Everything that is wrong with me relates to cancer. 

I cannot push it out of my head but if something is wrong my first response is to think is this cancer? Admittedly I know all of the different things I could be before I go to the worst possible scenario, but I panic. When mom first got sick we thought she had strep throat... after all it had been going around. I ended up with bronchitis at that time and she thought I had given it to her. We both laughed at that one and I urged her to go to the doctor. I don't want to be like that where I wait to the last possible second to go only to find out the worst, but I don't want to be running there for every problem either. I ended up with a major nasal issue to the point where I had an open wound on the inside of my nose. I went to the doctor and talked about it, but it never fully healed. I then spoke with my doctor this week and their response was allergies... even though I had post nasal drip, I felt like my nasal passage was closing off and it was consistently sore. I couldn't wrap my head around it but he prescribed some things anyway. I went through this period of questioning, bargaining and all the like because the fear of cancer is very very real still. I recognize that my trauma is still fresh and that this is a product of that but it is awful. This constant feeling of something perpetually around the corner sucks. 

A friend said to me that you don't truly grow up until you lose a parent, and I honestly believe it. It is not to the point of intrusion but this anxiety is difficult. I wish my doctor was much more reachable, but I don't want to abuse the privileges he gaves us in the time that mom truly needed him. but the worry and the grief are still very very real. 

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