a few strands of hair

 Who knew it would take a few strands of hair to set off a chain reaction that left me bawling Saturday night. 

I went up with my family to Dad's. Not entirely out of the norm but this weekend was us helping Dad and spending time with him. The day was great, we got some wood done, and there were delicious meals and giggles. That night I remembered that Sophia had grown out of her shoes again and we were needing some for her graduation. I had ordered some cute shoes but knew I already had to return them because of the size differential. She picked shoes, they looked beautiful and she said, "grandma will walk with me at my graduation". That made me teary eyed enough that sophia immediately hugged me. We giggled a bit saying that grandma had way too many shoes and carried on. I figured since I was already in her closet and it had been a year, it was time to start the purge. What I didn't count on was the overwhelming effect of pulling down a green sweater would have. 

It seemed so innocent, but then I noticed them. Three strands of beautiful red hair. I knew they were hers, I knew that they were the last of the many that sat upon her head and I lost it. I full on lost it. I went through the closet tossing things into the hallway, tears streaming down my face... I pulled it all out while dad grabbed bags to put the stuff in. Sophia grabbed a few things here and there but most if not all went to donation. What nobody noticed was me clutching those three strands and hanging on for dear life. Hanging onto the smell of her. The closet was incredibly dusty but I found things in there, a lifetime of memories. The outfits that she wore triggered the memories to flood me. I quietly packed everything up and followed Doug into the garage where he held me as I bawled and hid from my father. I didn't want him to see the toll that had taken on me but to know that it was one less thing he had to complete was all that I needed to do it. I wanted to save him from that difficult task. I know it was hard. After I was done crying I went to the bedroom and hid the three strands in a fake plant on my dresser. I know a part of her is there and knowing that seems better. to know that I can look at those three strands and not forget the colour of her hair is a big thing. Pictures do not get how the glisten in the sunlight, pictures do not make me remember how it moved when she was laughing or dancing. A year later and the pain is just as real but less frequent. 

Three strands mom, three strands was enough. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I have heeded my own advice

I have stopped for what feels like a minute.  To take stock, to focus to do all of the required and cliche elements to slowing down and what I can tell you, they are not for me.  Slowing down requires you to actually stop, and I feel like I physically cannot do it, nor does time allow it.  My children have not slowed down with their exploits, nor has time actually slowed down for me to appreciate things, so I speed along with it.  Grayson is losing all of his teeth... he has caught up to Sterling in that regard and goodness, that child is 8 going on 20. He wants to be big so fast that it is alarm at what he is attempting to learn and accomplish, and completely by himself.  He is staunchly independent, like his parents, and all the while they grow and learn at an unfathomable rate.  I don't know who wrote it but I have heard this quote go around that "time is a thief" and when I was younger I didn't really fathom that, I sure do now. My little humans are not...
Read more

Coming back into the fold...

 I have been absent. It has been due in part to life getting busy. Busy with the kids, with jobs, and with living. But that doesn't change the fact that I have stories to tell, well not necessarily stories, but perceptions and observations to unfold for me and share with a couple of people who might feel the same.  My life has been upside down lately. Over the last few years, we have seen a lot of change and loss. But we have also evolved with the good too. The children are wonderful, growing into amazing and unique human beings and that is a wonderful thing to bear witness to. We have been spending time with our people and just generally loving life.  However, that love of life doesn't just come with one emotion, but all of them. Autumn is usually a transitional time where things go back to sleep and return to the earth to wait until a spring awakening. It is also a time for reflection and change, and well, our fall was all about that. I had moved into a new position (no...
Read more

3 years

 3 years of feelings, of joys and triumphs you have missed.  3 years of laughs, of plans, and of trips. We would have wanted to share the experiences with you, and yet you marched out into the great beyond, setting a path for all of us to follow one day. Mom, you were a trailblazer in that regard. The hole you left in our lives is not smaller but somehow we have grown around it. We keep space for you but we are growing and changing everyday.  Things I wish I could tell you: - I turned 40. You were amazed when I was turning 37 and somehow 3 years went by and now I am 40.  - Grayson and Sterling have grown and are little dudes now with all of the humour and ridiculousness that they seem to muster. You would be in stitches for the things they say.  - Sophia has two more years and then she is off to post-secondary. How they hell did that happen so quickly. Your Diva misses you.  - Dad is going on a trip with us and has helped us significantly. You would not app...
Read more