disconnected

 I have been disconnected. 

My world has not slowed down and has been quick to move forward. It's a weird experience when you lose people in your life or when a bunch of trauma happens all at once and rather than processing it you rush through it all because there is no time. That is what I have been feeling. I had a lot of awful happen all at once. My beautiful and amazing aunt Kathy, my other mother, died and then my father had a traumatic accident (6-inch laceration to his face), and then another illness followed by my other uncle going in for brain surgery due to a traumatic fall (he had a brain bleed) and then... to top it all off our household ended up with Norwalk. We have had no time to process anything and as we come out of this illness I am feeling it all. I feel the stress slip a bit and I feel the numbness creep away. I feel it now. The disbelief that she is gone... hearing people talk about such a fiery and vivacious person seems like the world is off its axis. It does not compute or make sense. I know when I went to go see her that I was prepared that she was going to go, but functional numbness has been where I find my state of calm. It was where I ended up after mom died and people did not get it when they tried to elicit a response from me. I could not give it to them. It is like people want me to perform and show my emotions to them but I find now, that they are for me. They are not for everyone. They come out when they do and the rest is just inappropriate humour. But Aunt Kathy was the one that I thought would be fine... I never imagined her going because she was always so keen to live life to the absolute fullest. My dad falling called into question the unspoken trust of aging in place and what you do when you cannot anymore. To be clear, my father is amazing and is totally fine on his own, but this accident was a wake-up call that things are fine until they are not. Having him almost lose his autonomy because of a fall was a wake-up call. To appreciate where he is but also recognize that will not always be the case which brought on a whole lot of worry. I didn't really have time to grieve Aunt Kathy, only to have something terrible happen to my dad... rolling into the next piece of damage control. From there, the moment Dad was good and on his own compounding stressors at work and interpersonal conflict arose. I had a moment or two to reflect and respond to those when I got a phone call on my night out that my uncle Ken was in the hospital. He too had had a fall but ended up with a brain bleed and fluid on the brain that would require surgery. Compounding stress. I love my uncle I do. I walked over to see him the one day to check on him and he knew who I was, but that realization that he is also aging and time is fleeting with him smacked me in the face as I looked upon him and realized he looked exactly like my grandfather before he passed. I am not ready to lose everyone around me was what I initially thought, but then banished that thought because it was far too selfish. I keep feeling like what is the next problem to befall us? I feel numb to it all like it is inevitable, which is unfair because it is making me feel like I am diminishing the good as well as the bad. But how the hell do you get out of this funk? How can one person handle this weight? I get that dealing with it builds character, but when is enough? I have enough character already universe. I need a moment in silence. To grieve, to feel, to scream, and to cry. I need the silent and reverent moments to reconnect and find peace. 

I need to reconnect.