Atalist's Dungeon

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me. I can shut this off. This aching pain. This infinite sadness I feel. wistful tears drip down my cheek. I wish i was immune to this. to be cut off and devoid of feeling for an hour. My eyes sting of hatred. Hatred for all this feeling. I am so angry, and so sad. mind fills with despair. How jaded can one person be. heart strings stitched and slipping. I hurt because I love and I hate because I hurt.

I want you , exactly like I used to. and baby this is only... bringing me down. Kings of leon - I want you I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is, I care too much. and my scars remind me, that the past is real. I tear my heart open, just to feel. Papa Roach - Scars Love save the empty, ya, Love save the empty, save me. Erin McCarly - Save the empty Is this the moment where I look you in the eye, Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry, And everything it will surely change, even if I tell you I won't go away today, Will you think that you are all alone, when noone is there to hold your hand. When all you know seems so far away, when everything is temporary rest your head, I'm permanent. David Cook - permanent To kiss and tell, that's just not my style, but the night is young and it's been a while, he broke my heart, it took sometime, but I feel that I am finally read to, find somebody new... keith urban - kiss a ... I'm falling apa...

I think we can make it. If we try really hard. I am willing to put in as much work and effort as possible... only if you want to match my distance. I will go as far as humanly possible. Love is an endless thing, I think you can see where I am going with this.

I look out in the vast green. The light outside is glimmering and glowing. I feel the wind. I feel the urge to run. To race all my worries away. breathe in the scent of long ago. to hear distant chimes and feel ancient. All in a second within a complex nature. I am feeling the sun. it brightens everything and takes away the dark behavior. there is only one thing lacking. Distance and miles away, there is you. Everything is ok here, but lacking. I can't have everything that I want now can I. Breathe. The possibilities of today are endless...

Young and oblivious, I have lots to learn about this game. I have been told by the wise what this is. I am still learning. Feeling the scars and learning. I find someone new, I love and I get cut. I watch others go through it. More experienced players. they shrug off their wounds. How do they do it? They look so deep. Is this a hard part of the game? to make the one who stabbed you believe that you aren't hurt? This game sucks. Why do we play it if all we get are scars of distant loves gone wrong? because to experience the love. When in it, it is our life force. You finally breathe.

Its hard to remember, the past hurts. The future is scary. Both make me feel. Right now all I can feel is the anger of my mistakes. I am angry that I am feeling this again. This refusal of my ability to trust. Its not a lack... or inability its more my nature doesn't want me to believe I can. I have been given reasons why I should. I know that I should... but I am horribly damaged. Jaded I know. Hurt I feel. Doubtful is life. Yet, I keep being proven wrong in some instances. In others my intuition prevails. I lead with what I feel, So to deny my nature, to trust again... feels like I am letting myself fall. That I am losing control. Losing everything again. I don't want to lose everything again, yet I want to be able to be loved. Such a contradiction in my book. Fuck, what do I do? What can I do... but let go kicking and screaming. If you hurt me I will seriously hurt you... or someone will, because I won't come back from this.

YOU! you infuriate me. there are times where all I want to do is shake you. to ask you what the fuck is running through your head. You make my blood boil. I see red. Your imputance confounds me. I want to be violent. To scream and let it all out. But I am older of two evils. Bottle it and save it for another day. Not what my shrink would suggest but I do what I must. I just wish that you would think. Wishing gets me nowhere. I am furious... There are things I want to yell. GROW THE FUCK UP, STOP BEING PATHETIC... mostly along those lines. Another day, another angry rage moment. Nothing is new.

I want to run, I want to Scream. To feel what I feel. bare within the nature of things. The cold crisp air hitting my face. A rush of adrenaline stirrs within my veins. coursing through me. I push harder and quicken pace. breathing in harder I race with time. to feel and seek my surroundings. To know that I am apart of everything I run to and from. I am everything and nothing. My muscles pulsate with the rhythm of my pace. I reach my destination and stop. I look around. Feeling accomplished and serene. Muscles expired, breath lost. My soul stirs within me. I am at peace.

You save me from my empty you are a buoy in my ocean. I float because of you. So many times I could've sunk... no you made sure that wouldn't happen. arguably the most stubborn person I have met, you won't let me sink. even though sometimes I want to, to see the colour in the sea. to feel weightless and connected you won't let me. You drive me to fight, the current, my depths, the dark water. I swim and am strong. I make it to the beach and am filled with emotion. How much of a struggle it was to keep my head above the water. Its all over now. I am safe, safe because of you.

I thought I wouldn't be doing this again. Yet, here I am making plans. am I an idiot? am I just being hopeful? Yes, I am a hopeful idiot. That must be it. Because after what I went through I am doing it again. Preparing and hoping for change. I know that this is different, I can feel that. It just amazes me that I am there again. I thought I had said never ever ever again. I hate when I am made to feel like a hypocrite Except in this circumstance. I hate to be proven wrong, except in this circumstance. I am still horribly damaged. You of all people should know that. I have a lot of things to repair and build. I think you want to help me... to see me be bright and shiny again. You want to save me from my empty. From this dark places I shove myself every so often. You are on that road, dragging my depressed ass down it. I am making plans and you are not afraid... I must be losing it, because I believe it. I am believing and hoping... Yep, definitely and idiot.