Trust and the games we play

Its hard to remember,
the past hurts.
The future is scary.
Both make me feel.
Right now all I can feel is the anger of my mistakes.
I am angry that I am feeling this again.
This refusal of my ability to trust.
Its not a lack... or inability
its more my nature doesn't want me to believe I can.
I have been given reasons why I should.
I know that I should...
but I am horribly damaged.
Jaded I know.
Hurt I feel.
Doubtful is life.
Yet, I keep being proven wrong in some instances.
In others my intuition prevails.
I lead with what I feel,
So to deny my nature,
to trust again... feels like I am letting myself fall.
That I am losing control.
Losing everything again.
I don't want to lose everything again, yet I want to be able to be loved.
Such a contradiction in my book.
Fuck, what do I do?
What can I do... but let go kicking and screaming.
If you hurt me I will seriously hurt you...
or someone will,
because I won't come back from this.

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