Atalist's Dungeon

There is never enough time, all the things I want to do, the people and places I want to see. Just can't fit them into my schedule it seems. It makes me sad to think that I am continually busy, its good I know, however I would like to spend time and take time to relax. Not the case, onto the next project. I sleep and awake tired. Its not refreshing to lye down and have a nap, its exhausting to awake and feel like I have to do this all over again.

I think about you, Who you are and what you have become. It makes me happy and sad. You are a good man, you don't see it yet, but you are. Your actions speak volumes. Even though you may hurt me in doing the right thing, you still know that it is the right thing and that I will benefit from it. my thoughts are still longing. Longing to relive the smiles and the gazes. the chemistry and the passion. I want the fire back. You are the fire that drives me, I am the water that quenches your thirsts for tranquility. I am tumultuous but I am also a freeing spirit. I miss you.

You are not nice to me. You think you are but you are not. I have dealt with this bullshit before, and I am not doing it again. Think twice before you open your mouth, because the next time bile comes out, I won't be around for you to finish your sentence. I will leave and you will be left there with a confused look on your face. I have discovered my self worth and I definately don't deserve this. Your warning, your call.

I sit here, once again pondering things. I think too much. I am enjoying the mundane, the peace and quiet. For I know that starting tomorrow it goes away. Tomorrow is the day that the world revolves around a stage and a crowd. Tomorrow is where I get put on the back burner. Not me, but I let myself go for a few hours. Become someone new and perform. The lights come up and I am just a shell, a shell that evokes laughter and sarcasm. I wrote this play with that in mind. With a sick sense of humor and pride in that. I am thinking of who will come see it. This is the most important thing I have done for me this year. I am putting something outside of myself, something I created, something from my mind. I aspire to do great things and I am on my way. Its a dream that is coming true, my own ocean amidst the sands of time. A proud and defining moment.

Beautiful and Fiesty, I see you. Seeing is believing and I believe in you. You to me are the wind, Fierce and rushing. It is too much, too great a feeling. Warmth runs down my spine, the smile on my face echos the last time I was with you. The fun we had and the joy. Brings back a flood of many memories... old and new of our journey together. I am proud of you. I feel it stir in me when I talk about you. Even when I am upset with you I am proud. You have a way that just resonates through me. I enjoy our talks more than you know. I have a friend in you now. Never did I think that would happen, Yet I feel that I do. You help me. With your example, with your understanding, You help. I am glad to call you sister. Love you Carly.

Divide me, split me into pieces. So all those whom I love can hold a piece of me. And know that they are cherished. Leave my head with the stars and my heart near water. Both need to be close to home. Because that is where they will always remain. Let my body wander the world and seek adventures with my loved ones. Through the air and from the sea, may they know that I will always be with them. A piece, whether it be small or large. I am with them. When they travel to a place I cannot, Know that a small fraction of me goes with them. If they pass on to another world and leave this one, That piece goes with them. I lose that piece for eternity but gain the memories of my prized ones. Know that when you are adorn with my love, it never leaves you. It remains with you forever. A little piece of me that will never fade or die. A piece of me that is yours eternally.

White picket fence across the road, it tells a story of so long ago. When children used to live there. The yard now vacant. overgrown and dreary looking. It speaks volumes. It has been used. Reminiscent of a time where it was busy. It housed busy little bees doing busy little things. It grew potential and dreams in that yard. The fence kept them safe from the outside influence. Now the fence stands weakly. It served its purpose. Now it serves another purpose, It is a billboard for a "for sale" sign. I can only hope that a new owner will see the potential, and fill the yard once again with the laughter of children.

I cry inconsolably. I wish this was easier. Never did I want to say goodbye to you. But I am. Its a painful thing to think about. The look on your face, The hurt I am about to inflict. Pull it together and be strong. Its better this way. I am not good for you. Not in any capacity. You will be much safer when I am gone. Keep thinking that. I show up to see you. I can tell you know something is wrong. I walk down a path, You follow instinctively. A Good bye kiss. I run until the pain washes away. I will be running until the day I die... I keep going, try to be productive. Somehow I find myself running back to you. You are like gravity pulling me back to earth. When I heard there was no you to come back to, to know that I really truly lost you? I lost a part of myself. I cry and think of an exit strategy. I cannot live in a world were you do not exist. I think of the stupid things I could do. Making my entrance to the end I see you. Running towards me. I guess this is my mind giving up th...

I listen, You lull me into a sense of speechlessness. what you do reaches me. Deep within me to the place where I hide. My dark place where I dwell within sadness. No one truly sees the chaos beneath the surface, yet you make me feel quiet. unacustom to this I succumb only to question when? when will this leave me and when will i be forced back into the chaos. To feel my respid slip away to the blinding and depracating sound of my turmoil. It is not enough, I want the peace, I want the tranquillity for my own. Its not enough you have to show it to me. I dwindle back into the dark, Where you don't see me. Sitting in my solitude. There is no peace, only the constant ringing of anger and disillusionment. I will wait until peace can be restored. Until the noise goes away.

I wonder why I play these games, if you really wanted to talk to me, you would. Its just a matter of perspective I guess. I have never been the example, always the rule. Its sad, To delude myself into thinking I will be the example some day. Every guy I have been with has proven that to me. Young girls are trained, we are taught to believe in being treated poorly because hey, that means a boy likes you right? No, if a boy treats you poorly the only thing he is doing is treating you poorly. There is nothing good coming from that. Except the cycle of abuse for young girls to grow up on. Then the rationale a mother will feed to their little girl. Its nothing but bullshit. If a guy decides he likes me, decides he wants to talk to me, then he will. I am done trying. today is the day that part of the dreamer in me has died. no more disillusions, no more delving to far into things. Simplify and move on. If you like me, I propose a challenge, Prove it to me in your actions. Show me and maybe,...

I visited you today. I sat by where you rest There was this ethereal feeling. I miss you. You seemed to be the only one who got me. The only one who understood my heart. Singing and laughing we danced and played. Watching the flowers bloom, I watch the flowers wither and die alone. The day that you left us, was an unbearable day. my memory of you, pains me. You influenced me in a way that I cannot even express. You made my heart soar and dreams take flight. Nothing was out of reach, I lost the only present you bought me. Well not lost, I still have the pieces. A set of earrings. I will never forget the elation I felt that day. How important I was to you. The look on your face, a proud and defined look. It is hard to believe you are gone. It's even harder to believe its been 5 years today. Your importance has not changed. I cry inconsolably. I miss you grandpa.

Well it is one year today, that my family showed you kindness, It is one year ago today that you showed them, Just how much of an ass you are. We discussed you last night, It was strange. To think that a year ago you were here, now you are not. Many things can change in a year. I have, you have. Our lives will never be the same. We effected each other and changed. Its strange to see. But I am glad. You were toxic to me. I was not myself, You were definitely you. I wish for the fade of time to wash you away. I am not angry today, however there is a possibility for it tomorrow. You given me food for thought. and fire within me to write. The only good outcome. The best plausible outcome. I am renewed.

I could listen to you for hours, I rock with the movement in your voice. Hypnotizing and transient I sway. I feel it reverberate off of my soul. You touch me at my core. Never have I felt this from someone. This pure and inspired feeling. I close my eyes and feel you. hearing you; I see perfectly. I sit in a juxtaposed position. Its as if my soul is beside me. Like a puddle on the beach beside the lake. They long to intertwine with each other, they already do yet they are separate for the moment. Feeling things separately. They both are equally apart of the greater whole. As are they, my soul is intertwined with you and your essence. The melody coming from me stirs in me like waves in the ocean. You instill in me a great sense of peace and understanding.

Fuck you Jim. Fuck you and everything you stand for. You vile disgusting being. I hope that your life is everything you want it to be... I mean after all you want nothing but deceit and games. HA ha ha, I remember when we first started dating you told me you didn't want games. They were beneath you. Yet YOU played them, I played as well, I was clever and figured them out. Even though I was inexperienced, I caught up with the best of my predecessors. So I hope you got what you wanted from that experience... Go to hell.

I am green with envy, I know that I shouldn't be, yet here I am. I hate that I am wondering what is going on, for the sake of another individual. I over analyze and question. Its what I do best, Should I be filled with this? You yourself told me that you have history, a past with dark and dank memories of infidelity. Its a matter of perspective. I have been given lots of that. I trust you and know that you would tell me about it if something were to happen. you have given me so much honesty why would that stop now? Ugh... being female sucks sometimes. Too many damn hormones that make you go crazy.

I am feeling ravenous, I breathe and feel like you are behind me. Its intense this feeling I have. an extreme romantic I am. You I am not so sure, I have yet to see that side. However I long to feel you, to touch you and know that you are happy. I am trying to contain my demons, yet they really want out. They want to run wild to you and use you as their prey. every intimate detail about you they seem to want to know. can't help my curiosity either... I want you to be curious about me too. You have merely scratched the surface. I want you to claw and dig harder and delve deeper. find something in me and grasp at it. I want to show you my darkness and let you revel in it. I feel you still in my shadow and I like it. Yet it is such a tease. How unfair this torment. To slow dance into oblivion, to move and ache alone with you, I yearn for that. My body is quivering in anticipation of this moment I dream. Hopefully some day soon it will come true, until then I live in my tormented cage....

I look fiendish, for once I am not me. I am what I inspire in myself, what I create. I can be whoever it is I want to be. I put on my costume, lace it up tight. Feel it restrict me. move not as myself, as the character I take on. She is me and I am her. We move as one and think as one. We borrow each other for the moment. After we accomplish our tasks, I remove the costume and she resumes life in the back of my imagination. Like my closet, filled with many characters. She like them rests, rests until the time I may need her again. I set the costume down and look at myself. I am me again, no sharing. The best character I have played. Me.

Today, It was a hard enough day, October 8th was ingrained in my head for 5 years, you think I could try to get it out. Yet here it is, a year later and I am still stuck remembering. So here is to me making it memorable. I drank a glass of wine to you tonight. Nothing more nothing less, I enjoyed a peaceful night without you in it. You are in the world, this is true. Yet you are not with me and I couldn't be happier about that! I wish no ill will. I merely want to work on forgetting this day like most people. For it to go unknown like any other mundane day. now I look forward to the next holiday on my calender, another birthday and then the 5th of November. Remember remember.... I do, I most certainly do. Lest we forget.

You take my breath away, You steal it on a regular basis. I think too much about what has gone on. I over analyze what could potentially be the outcome. I know what I want, but its not about that. This is about acceptance. In a lot of ways I am learning from you still. Patience is not one of my strong suits, yet you are teaching me. I am teaching you the value of a good woman. Or at least I think that I am trying to. My ability to hold off and wait proves that, I think. You would never ask me to do that, however it is something I feel compelled to do, if not for your sake for mine. You made me realize I need a little bit of time too. Self reflection is good, I normally just jump into whatever comes my way. Brave or Crazy you be the judge and jury, yet I learn a lot from that as well. I know what I want and my goals are still the same, I will never give those up, but in this time and space I am defining things. I am focusing on what is truly important to me for my life, So maybe this wa...

I cry myself to sleep, in thought of you. of moments where you were beside me, If then I only knew, I long to just talk to you, to tell you trivial things, to see your face, oh the joy that would bring. It is late and I should be in bed, this I definitely know. I only hope you take this time, to learn about yourself and grow. I wonder if this really is it, if you will find your way back. I hope you do, for your presence I surely lack. Its a matter of perspective, you have given me plenty of this. You make me happy, your tender touches and your gentle kiss.

I am angry, Knew it would be like this, yet I can't help but feel the sting of it. Not having you around sucks. Not talking to you is worse. I know I am self sufficient, however I got used to you being here. Now that you aren't I wonder about you. I let my curiosity get the best of me. I shouldn't wonder. I should just find something to do, There is more than enough to keep me occupied, yet I don't want to do any of it. Such a procrastinator. I listen to a melody and i hear you. It makes me laugh and cry. Dancing in a sunny room. I long to feel the sun. To me everything just feels cold right now, maybe I should put something more on than just a towel. I had a bath to calm my nerves. Water calms me in the most peculiar way. I am soothed by it. Always have always will be. Pisces remember? I look in the mirror and my eyes tell me a story, it isn't exactly happy, and it isn't exactly sad either. Its about a girl who is a dreamer, she dreams in colour, music and move...

I have been through a lot, Questions were asked today. What was the greatest thing I learned? Self discipline and Acceptance. I am not perfect and accepting that is huge. There are times I wish I hadn't gone through all I have ... however that has made me a stronger person. I am still here, still kicking. I live and breathe even though It may be difficult. I am still kicking. Proof that I am stubborn. Yes, I live and am a testament to the proverb what doesn't kill you definitely makes you stronger. I am a strong person, mind, body and soul. So bring on the next thing, no backing down, no ducking and running. I am ready!

I think about all that has happened... I am thankful for small mercies, I have realized a divine purpose in timing. Timing is freaking everything, as much as I may hate it sometimes, there is a reason that things happen the way they do. I had a hard day, but it really made me appreciate my friends. I felt like I was falling, and to my surprise, they caught me right away. I didn't hit the ground, not like last time. I feel like I can accomplish anything, because hey if I fail, It won't hurt as bad as it would without them. I am appreciative of their love and acceptance. It is amazing as are they.

I spent time reflecting, a bottle of wine spent. I ache and I cry, we girls do that from time to time. It feels like my heart is not where it should be. Someone took it with them on their path to self discovery. I acknowledge that he is doing the right thing, in fact I applaud his bravery for facing something he wasn't ready for, It just sucks. I Love and I hurt. We girls do these things well. I just wish that the timing was right. If we are meant to be it will happen. Right now I have no patience and just want it. But if it is right, I guess it will.

Fuck this mess I want to party! I want get out and have a good time. Dress up and feel sexy. Who cares if life is currently feeling like shit, move and dance and feel free. I know I can do that much. Maybe, just maybe I should go out. Do something drastic and live a little. No point in sulking about what I can't change. Boys are confusing and can be dumb. They have their reasons for being the way they are, and well I have my reasons for acting the way I do. Time to get out and see what I am made of... No more waiting, Just get out and go!

You said that I am a dreamer, I know that I am not the only one here. Yet, you dashed some of my dreams. There were a few that had more than I let on. I look outside and see the leaves change, I look at the array of colours outside my window, I feel like everything looks slightly lack lustre the yellows aren't as bright as they could be. the reds seem to be grey and distant. now that does seem familiar. Green seems foreign, as if it is a distant dream of the summer and all that it brought. I long to hear the crickets sing and feel the warmth. All I feel now is the bitter cold, I hear the echo of pain passed and wonder. What is it that I have? Or rather what have I done? I focus on this feeling, the cold ache running down my spine, All of this is familiar of a time where I was numb. Where all I wanted was to feel important. To feel anything really. I lived in my head during those months, am I about to do this again? Struggle and fail? Maybe there is a reason why I am here.

I don't blame you. How could I? There is just so much I wanted to share, Maybe I still can, not necessarily in the same position, but at the very least friend will do. I am not going to say that I don't hurt, because I do, but what I will say is that there is a hole. A perfect, tiny little hole that you made. a place for you. a place now vacant, Its not that you have been removed, its just that this is not where you will remain. I am strong enough that I can repair and rebuild. It just sucks that you are not here in the capacity I wanted you. Depression or not, I am strong. I had to claw my way back last time, to tell you the truth this seems a hell of a lot easier than that. No clawing, just climbing. If anything I believe that shows growth. I have grown, A year later, in the same situation, and I am stronger than i thought. It sucks to compare to that... but really what else can I do You made your choices and I have made mine. We will see what happens when you realize what is...

You, You created a void, I don't know how to fill it. Tell you the truth I don't want to. I want you to fill it. Stupid stupid me. I just wish that this didn't happen. That I didn't ask that stupid question, or say those stupid words. I am not as bad as I thought I would be. At least there is growth, but I am missing something. You aren't Here.

I wonder about you, Is it too much to ask? I should feel like this. Hollow. There are things that I want to say, things that I want to know, yet I don't You are afraid, that much is evident, I think you are afraid of a good thing.

The words I have said are bittersweet. I feel a knife cut my heart in two. I don't want to hurt you yet, This is the way it has to be. I understand, without question. I just wish I could stop the tears. so many questions now that I don't want to ask. Just missing you. There was a decision made, and now I feel sick about it. I just wish there was more I could do, more than just saying I love you. It is not enough, not until you do what you need to do. Until that time I will wait.

I feel tired, no tired wouldn't be right to say. I feel ache and cold. Its like my mind has wandered off and left a shell. I wish that I was around, Things would be better. I miss home already. Maybe that is where I am. In the confines of my safe place. I just left my body in kingston. Really I am in bancroft Looking at the autumn leaves and smiling. Smelling the cool crisp air and reflecting. That is where I am... My heart will always be home

I hear soothing melodies coming from the distance. They are far away, calling to me... They pull my heart strings and I feel compelled. fluid emotion runs down my face. To sleep would be lovely, yet my mind is thinking too much for that. I am thinking about a quiet conversation, a conflicted girl and a hurt boy. How serene that conversation was, yet serious in its nature. Transparent and afraid. Both have walls to climb. They tried to hide from eachother, yet they cannot. I wouldn't say that this was destiny... that is to say that they were destined to be hurt... I would say they were fated to meet eachother at this exact moment. The conflicted girl to help heal the hurt boy, The hurt boy to open the conflicted girl to her potential. Neither of which know the true potential of what this union could be. I think both may be ready to find out, its just whether or not they can get past the fear. If they hope they will succeed. The girl will heal the boy's soul and he will bring for...

I feel my constraints. Someone wants to keep me. Put me in a box for everyone to see. as if I could be a pet or a precious artifact. Everyone can look, but if they touch its all over. It would be incredibly lonely to be in that box. Heaven forbid he try to converse with me. He can't. his inability to inspire creativity is a profound wedge between us. He never really understood that. I am a child of art. Any art form inspires me to dream. his lack of ability causes me to see nothingness. How can he expect me to dream of him when I dream in a different world? I dream in a world of light, colour and musical canvases and movement. he dreams in solitude of his sadness and the darkness he has seen. He can't quite move past his demons and I am letting mine fall away. I couldn't allow myself to be his beloved, not anymore. He has grown to far away from the charismatic beauty I saw. A man with hazel eyes and a deep soul. He has lost something, or I have lost something... Life force?...

You are comfortable. I know I can seek refuge in you. Its a weird thing to have that kind of security. to know that you can just spend time. No constraints or expectations. I lay on my bed feeling content. a little sore but content. I think that I have fallen hard, yet I don't hurt because of that. I hurt because eve is a bitch. Damn her and that damn piece of fruit. Hormones are tricky. If you make fun of me long enough, I may have to hurt you. may, not exactly the operative word, likely is more plausible. The point I am trying to make is I am happy. I am content and feel secure. Finally, a year later I have that. Its fascinating. Choice made.

the hunter builds a fire, I am sweating from is aptitude. It is safe thought knowing I can be provided for. I appreciate his ability. He will always be the one to keep me safe. I adore him and respect him. He would do anything for me. whether it be drive in the middle of the night to come get me, or to help me with my responsibilities. He takes care of me. I am precious to him. If things were to change and I had no one, I would always have him. We have a bond that is unbreakable. From the silly jokes to the funny antics, We get each other. When I giggle he laughs. From the moment I opened my eyes he was transfixed by me. his little blond angel. I smile and he smiles. There is a warmth between us. I love my father and he loves me. Unconditionally, Loving. He will always be my daddy. and i will always be his little girl.