thoughts after a peaceful bath.

I am angry,
Knew it would be like this,
yet I can't help but feel the sting of it.
Not having you around sucks.
Not talking to you is worse.
I know I am self sufficient,
however I got used to you being here.
Now that you aren't I wonder about you.
I let my curiosity get the best of me.
I shouldn't wonder.
I should just find something to do,
There is more than enough to keep me occupied,
yet I don't want to do any of it.
Such a procrastinator.
I listen to a melody and i hear you.
It makes me laugh and cry.
Dancing in a sunny room.
I long to feel the sun.
To me everything just feels cold right now,
maybe I should put something more on than just a towel.
I had a bath to calm my nerves.
Water calms me in the most peculiar way.
I am soothed by it.
Always have always will be.
Pisces remember?
I look in the mirror and my eyes tell me a story,
it isn't exactly happy,
and it isn't exactly sad either.
Its about a girl who is a dreamer,
she dreams in colour, music and movement.
She dreams of someone.
The end of this story is unknown,
i am just in the middle of writing it.
Living it page by page.
I don't want a happy ending,
I want a light-hearted story.
My ending will be like all endings go,
quiet and peaceful.
until then, I keep writing.
Line by line, sonnet after sonnet.
It is my charge, to write and to dream.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Closer to the truth

 I feel like I am on my own with all of this. I have been unlucky in the sense that when my sister did her 23andme, she found out everything in one go. People had already found out the information and she didn't need to delve too far to find out who her donor is. I did my 23andme and found out minimal information. Subsequent tests yielded more results but still no where in the realm of figuring out who this person is. It has been tricky and difficult to find out information. It is also an isolating experience because while my family is supportive, they are terrified that I am going to go digging for a new family.  Their fears are somewhat warranted in the sense that I am pissed off at them still, but they will always be my family and they have been trying to atone for past grievances. It's hard to talk to anyone about this because honestly, most cannot relate. I am a 40 year old IVF/ donor conceived child who recently found out and am coming to terms with all the lying and the...
Read more

Emotional work and christmas diatribes

 it is tibs eve in our house and I am listening to the quiet pitter-patter of my sister and her boyfriend downstairs.  I am trying not to be angry about the conversation I just had and the emotional regulation that is trying to be projected onto me. My sister doesn't want me to feel the way I do about my relationship with Mom. She has told me to stop talking about the way that I do and that I need to recognize that Mom loved us. While I get that my mother loved me, the truth of that is just as real as my experience with her was. The hardness and the difficulties I had with my own mother is still true at the end of the day. My experience with her is still the reality I grew up with and sugarcoating it because she loved me feels like a form of abuse. It reminds me of what the abused say in order to continually go back to their assailants. They love me, this was all just a misunderstanding. They loved me and it really wasn't that bad... They love me... all the while I can underst...
Read more

finding out I am an IVF baby.

 Read the previous post to get caught up to speed, but here are the cliffnotes: found out from my sister that she was donor-conceived, potentially an IVF baby she has a bunch of siblings and found out through 23andme She suspects that I am the same.  Everyone knew...  Great, now you are caught up to speed.  I decided to take a DNA test on New Year's (postal strike delayed our tests getting to us for quite a while) with 2 of my favourite people. Andy and Doug. We all spit into tubes and sent it off... I could barely wait, but while we did, all of our friends placed bets on how many potential siblings I might have. The highest guess being 69, the lowest guess being only 1 (Douglas,) which ended up being accurate according to the test. In fact, I found out that I was one of the first IVF babies in the province of Ontario out of the Life Clinic in Toronto. My parents paid $14,000 in 1983 to start the process for me. It seems wild to think about that dollar amount now. Th...
Read more