Atalist's Dungeon

I have been silent for the last little while. Silence has been golden and altogether breathtaking. I have been spending time concentrating on the things that I need to, taking a deep breath in and all the while taking in the little moments. The moments with my kids, the cuddles, the smiles, and the laughs. Enjoy the moments with my parents, the smiles, and laughs as dad and I assemble furniture with MANY curse words left strewn around the house along with many many tools. I have also been taking in the small hard moments and times of great trial. It has been tough, but by no means has my troubles compared to that of others. I know this. My life is challenging, however, there are others who are having a much harder time. I look to my mother who is one of the toughest people I know and she is teaching me more resilience but also teaching me mercy and grace. It is the little things... so if you don't hear from me in a little while, I am just taking in the peace.

So having read and reread my post from last night I have determined that sleep is integral to wellbeing and that I should go to bed earlier. I have been feeling all of those feelings and it is good to get them out, but I am now feeling like maybe, just maybe I should also highlight the wondrous things and not focus solely on the bad. I have been frustrated, but this situation that my family is in has had its highlights... From serious discussions with my sister and my husband (not together because they don't do that) but also lovely discussions with my brother (inlaw but let's face it... he's my brother and he is stuck with me now). There have been moments with my cousins/best friends that I can't quite put into words how much they truly mean to me. They are there for me without thought, they check-in, they make me laugh... all key and important things... But more so is the time with my parents. The chats, the laughs about technological failings, and smiles. I am...

I go through periods of just making it through, second by second. Things are never easy, but anything worth doing rarely is. Life has thrown me so many curveballs in the last month, it is hard to fathom where I was and how the new normal seemed to ease into our lives... almost effortless. Doctor's appointments, running back to Bancroft with quite a bit of regularity, Covid-19 tests, chemo appointments, and daily phone calls. All normal now. I go through waves of emotions. Extreme sadness, to molten fury to feeling some semblance of normalcy. I have so much anger that I have been holding onto. So many wrongdoings that I just don't feel that it is justifiable to let that go and forget that it happened. I cannot pretend that things haven't gone the way that they have. Our lives are shaped by these moments and the fact that faith and trust have been lost in some people only seems to worsen the hurt and the wrong felt by myself or my family. In adapting to this new normal,...

Faced with the eventuality you have two options, fight or flight. I have always been a fighter but I feel weak. Everyone is banking on me being strong through all of this, but there is a moment or two of doubt. Doubt that I can survive this as a whole person, that some part of me will be chipped away and gone forever. I am not prepared for what is to come, but I really don't have a choice. I have to be strong, be tough, and resilient. This will test my mettle, make me change, and adapt. I am not prepared. Tears are streaming down my face, my heart hurts and my chest aches and yet I know that what I am about to go through will be the final chapter of a book I am not prepared to put down. This will leave me with 30 wondrous memories for every 1 bad memory. This will shake me to my core and make me appreciate the little things. This will make me realize how special and important the little moments are. From waking up in my childhood room to being held when it felt like my ...

I learned a long long time ago that music can soothe your soul. It is this magical art form that for whatever it's properties, can lift you out of the hole you are in or randomly relate to what you are experiencing. I have always had this "sixth sense" of finding the right music for the right time. In breakups, in happy moments, in the brilliant design of the mundane, there was always a song. When Doug and I were first dating we called it the "fuck you radio paradox" where whenever we were thinking of each other the same few songs would come on. I also find that in those moments of hardship or major clarity, songs will happen to you and they will tell you exactly what you need to hear at that moment. I have had a few moments throughout this difficult time where a song has hit me, but none as hard as today. I have been struggling with all of the emotions, all of them. Of course today of all days, I played a random song that immediately gave me chills. It made ...

I am struggling. whether or not I want to admit this, I know this to be true. Last weekend I got a call, a call that would put many of things in perspective for me, that would, of course, rock me at my core and make my world pivot around an illness. See, the time of a pandemic, even talking about illness seems taboo. All the signs and memes I see floating around the internet speak to how, we are all in the same storm but in different boats and well, I am in the fucking water boatless now, my boat cast asunder. I had a talk with Doug tonight, a talk that like all of our others is blunt and had with the utmost respect and love. He told me that I am not myself right now, I am crying, I have no patience and I am listless and almost frantic with trying to do all the things. He is right. I was in shock. I still am. I am riding the ephemeral waves praying that I see shore close enough to swim to. Just as I feel that there is a course or a way through this storm, the current catches me ...