the mundane aspects of emotion


I go through periods of just making it through, second by second.
Things are never easy, but anything worth doing rarely is.
Life has thrown me so many curveballs in the last month, it is hard to fathom where I was and how the new normal seemed to ease into our lives... almost effortless.
Doctor's appointments, running back to Bancroft with quite a bit of regularity, Covid-19 tests, chemo appointments, and daily phone calls. All normal now.

I go through waves of emotions. Extreme sadness, to molten fury to feeling some semblance of normalcy. I have so much anger that I have been holding onto. So many wrongdoings that I just don't feel that it is justifiable to let that go and forget that it happened. I cannot pretend that things haven't gone the way that they have. Our lives are shaped by these moments and the fact that faith and trust have been lost in some people only seems to worsen the hurt and the wrong felt by myself or my family. In adapting to this new normal, I am having to interact, do things with people that I am not ready to forgive. However, for this situation I can and will put it aside to get us all through it. But I will never forget.
What echos in my head is something that someone very wise has told me through all of this which is, "Shitty people do not stop being shitty people because hardships arise? They will continue to be shitty and harmful"

I have been finding myself being angry with the same things I have been struggling with for a while. Double standards, and being treated as less than. I need to find a way through this while still maintaining the united front... right now I don't see it. This is why when I was told in not so many words to stay away for last weekend, I did just that... not because I was listening, but because I didn't want to make a scene and punch someone in their fucking face. Note that I did discuss that I have been dealing with a certain level of rage.

Worry. I worry too. I feel like through all of this the worry is a constant. My brain doesn't want to shut off when it is supposed to, no matter how much I threaten it with a Q-tip or drugs. I worry about my family. I worry specifically about my parents and how they are going to negotiate this. I worry about their lives and about what this is going to do to them. I worry about my kids and my husband. Illness like this has a ripple effect and spreads quickly. The emotional baggage of me going through what I am going through, but more so it does not compare to what my parents are going through. My mother working hard to get through things... my father supporting her. It all seems too much in the midst of a pandemic.

It's funny that I thought over a month ago that things were hard. Perspective is a bitch sometimes. I struggle with missing my people, but I have gained some focus on something to do ... my parents feel that I am doing too much but honestly, it is giving me something to do to get through all of the worry and the constant feel of impending doom. I rely on my friends for their humour to get me through all of this as well. Talking to friends about the impending plague and the preparations for the apocalypse entirely tongue and cheek but altogether serious pinpoints with razor-like-accuracy the sick and twisted humour that we have and that I have grown to appreciate. It allows for a shift, to see the humour in all of this. Surviving is entirely what I am doing right now. I am not doing much more than that. I feel bad sometimes for my kids because of how I am handling all of this, but I also need to be gentle because all of the emotions are normal. I have been doing more things purely for catharsis and to not think, but not thinking about it is causing other issues... My brain not shutting off... lack of sleep... lack of patience.

Tomorrow Doug and I have been given a gift to just have the day, the two of us... I am excited for this but also at a loss, as it will be one day that I am not going to be sitting around and focusing on the aforementioned stress, anguish, emotion, and familial responsibility. It will be a day where I can just be whatever the hell I want ... and all I can think is that I don't know what the hell to do with myself...

Emotions. They are confusing and they do not make any sense.


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