disjointed thoughts

 I feel nothing and everything all at once. 

When someone receives terrible news there are multiple ways to take it... For me, I feel empty, like the air has gone out of the room. Colours are dull and faded and the only light left is fake. It is such a worldless feeling. Where nothing matters and every second slogs on and yet I feel everything, acutely. 

I am being dragged through and my heart is not shattering because it is not made of glass, and yet... it is a heart. It beats and is material. It is soft and its purpose is to slog on. It feels like it has been removed from my chest and has been dragged on the floor. Full of slivers and lint and yet it still beats. 

My children and my family are the reason it still beats. Not in a climactic sort of end it all if things are going poorly... that has never been me... but they are the beats that pull my heart to feel, to smile, and to know that the world is not entirely void of colour. They make me smile and pull me out of this hollow that I sit. 

Little moments. Moments that I know that someone is going to miss in the eternal forever. Things that I don't want them to miss and yet, that will happen. It's hard to contextualize a cm into something so damaging, so world-ending that I cannot think, I am still... 

Real talk. Grief is a struggle of adaptation and existence without a world that you know. I am losing a grasp on the world that I know to prepare for the collapse and preparation for a new world. One that has less fire, less zeal, and more hurt. One that I have to be strong and navigate without someone integral. I have to be strong for more than myself... I have people that are counting on me to make it through this time but also show that it is okay to scream into the universe and yell that death is a cruel and fickle bitch that will meet us all in the end. 

I am not ready... You can never be ready but you can mentally prepare for the things that are needed. That is far as I can go... but until I can... I surrender to the grief. I let it wash over. and I submit to the process. 

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