exhaustion

 I am exhausted. 

Like many of you reading this, I have been rolling with the punches of covid restrictions and with the issues surrounding such an aggressive disease and I am tired. This has been grueling for all of us and I feel like we are doing the best we can. Some of us are so exhausted that we have given up the cause and are no longer restricting movement and gathering... I feel this. I miss people, and yet I know it is in the best interest of everyone not to gather. My mother is my main reason, but there are many. I don't know how long my mother has left, to be honest, no one knows how long they have... but having a brain tumor makes you think about these things. It is a fuck of a thing to deal with in the midst of a pandemic and all the while, the exhaustion with the rules and now helping my family go through the process of trying to radiate and shrink her tumor and fight for all the time we can muster is doubly exhausting. I will do it... but it is not the fight that is exhausting... it is the uncertainty surrounding time. I am keenly aware that I want to spend time with my mother and have those ridiculous moments where she laughs at my father and me trying to do something together, whether it be cooking, baking, building, or what have you. I can be honest about this because my father and I are very similar people and that is amusing as fuck but it is also about the time that my kids get to spend with their grandmother. The new restrictions make it a ticket-able offense, even if I follow every protocol to ensure her safety, even if I am doing everything I can. It is a scary amount of power. I do not blame the government for pushing this as so many people have not been listening, otherwise, the third wave of this pandemic would not be a thing either. 

I am wondering if the loss of a year would make the difference in my children's lives... and with that same respect, my mother's? again not know how much time we all have and more specifically the one with the brain tumor... what memories are we missing out on. What experiences are my children missing out on with their grandmother? I know she taught me so much, I am just wondering about whether or not they are going to get the opportunity to learn from her? these are all questions I am now raising in my head because the other questions I have are not what I want to deal with right now. 


Tonight has been a rough night. Round one of radiation down for her and all nausea and brutality of the second round of radiation has settled in. I wanted to update everyone tonight but I just didn't have it in me while my mother was up. I was trying to settle and relax but I couldn't and kept watching her like a hawk. I talked to my sister multiple times and her doctor quite a few times too. She is a warrior for tackling this head-on but I know she is also tired. 

Cancer is exhausting

Pandemics are exhausting

we are exhausted and it is time to take some moments and find some peace and some rest. 

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