Atalist's Dungeon

 Fuck you radio strikes again.  I spoke with my mother on Friday and she couldn't stop telling me how much she loves me and how she would be lost without me. She wanted to tell me how much she had been appreciating what we have been doing for her and all I could do was squirm. It sent chills down my spine because I am so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop, not necessarily from her but just in general. She is a similar person in the sense that she will tell me how she feels exactly before the bad hits. The calm before the storm if you will. So her telling me these lovely things I want to hear comes at a price of being wary of what is to come. I don't have the capacity to just enjoy them as I have been conditioned into this response I have. I realize I titled this fuck you radio and I will get to that, but some information before I get to it.  We talked about her equipment, her care, and her bills, and the general minutia of things that I am handling. I am managing ...

 This past weekend. Was glorious.  I took the time to unplug, sleep, eat, and play with my kids. To just be a family, not have my phone in my hand constantly, not checking in on people to see what is going on. Just to be mundane ... and it was marvelous. I cooked a turkey dinner with my mother-in-law, we spent time. Sunday we slept and went for walks. I went grocery shopping and the kids played together. We ran around playing hide and seek and just to remember what it was like to be a kid. It was fun, it was more than fun, it was therapeutic. The only thing missing was quality time with my husband but I know that will come this week. We will find the time. I need to find the time for him and I.  I was here, I ran and chased and played hide and seek with my kids. It was beautiful and a blessing. In such a shitty time, it is important to look for joy. I found it. I lived in the mundane and it was wonderful. 

 The water calms me. It always has had a calming effect. I dive in, no matter the temperature and I slow, I feel my body relax and the simple and salient become clear. I can reason and I can figure out even the darkest or toughest problems. It feels like there are not enough baths or showers in the world in the winter or dark time... but that is why I have always connected to the summer. It is why that time is always a time where I can breathe, just breathe. Find the rhythm in the movement as my body slices through the water. All major concerns slip a little for me to concentrate on the feel of being one with the deep.  I am a water baby, always have been but it is more than that. I connect with the water, I connect with her. She is living and moving and I understand her. I understand why she will change course, I understand her destructive side and the side which is entirely still and at peace. I think I connect and understand it so much because it is a kindred spirit. It is ...

 I have been busy.  Keeping my head down and doing all of the tasks but I am burnt out.  The emotional work that I have been doing is vast and expansive. I have been doing a lot. I know this and my family knows this. I needed time away. I am here and yet I can't shut it down. I can't stop. I can't take a breath because I know the work doesn't end while I am away.  I have had all these mixed emotions and feelings about everything. I am scattered and then today I hear that one of my lifelines is retiring and leaving his profession. One less lifeline and a whole lot more anxiety. I should be okay, I understand the world carries on but I am going to miss him.  I was hit hard by one of the people that I cared for deeply passing. He was a friend that I hadn't seen in a while and was another lifeline through a brutal time in my life. His passing shook me as he taught me how to move past. He taught me to open my heart to all the experiences and to smile through whatever...