Fuck you radio ... again

 Fuck you radio strikes again. 

I spoke with my mother on Friday and she couldn't stop telling me how much she loves me and how she would be lost without me. She wanted to tell me how much she had been appreciating what we have been doing for her and all I could do was squirm. It sent chills down my spine because I am so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop, not necessarily from her but just in general. She is a similar person in the sense that she will tell me how she feels exactly before the bad hits. The calm before the storm if you will. So her telling me these lovely things I want to hear comes at a price of being wary of what is to come. I don't have the capacity to just enjoy them as I have been conditioned into this response I have. I realize I titled this fuck you radio and I will get to that, but some information before I get to it. 

We talked about her equipment, her care, and her bills, and the general minutia of things that I am handling. I am managing quite a bit of logistical stuff for her and I am happy to do it, but I do not have the capacity to take praise for said deeds. It might be a weird response but I have never been great at it. It makes my skin crawl. So I got off the phone with mom and carried on with work... shortly thereafter I got a phone call from one of mom's many care providers I stay in touch with... I had to pass on some information so I called and got my dad. We chatted and in fact had a lovely chat filled with laughs and ridiculousness. There were a few moments where dad danced around the "after" and it was like the after was filled with a weighted silence. After I got off the phone I was hit with this song and started to bawl. In the car driving down the road like a fool... I had to pull over. Another band (I will link the song below) that I love sang my feelings back to me. It hurt, it felt like a release, it felt like everything I wanted to say and everything I don't want to say out loud. I realize that my mother is terminal and that she is dying. I realize that all of these things are happening and yet it feels fucked to talk about it like it is commonplace. We love to avoid the reality of things and yet this song forced me to see it and see it all I did. 

I am fighting against the tide here and yet, it was the lyrics that made me feel like it is okay. It gave me a sense of peace with everything. That everything I am feeling is completely normal and almost mundane. It also made me feel the anger that I have been carrying towards cancer and the situation we are dealing with. The trepidation, the fury, the hostility, all of it. Ever since then I have been listening to this song on repeat. I can't stop. The one lyric that stays with me is "so your future's lost, they can't your past" and of course... "fuck'em all" ringing in my ears. Even the chorus singing, "there'll be no bad days... when you're gone, gone... you'll have no more bad days" is the one way to look at it... there will be no more treatments, no more appointments... no more walkers, catheters, no more pain, and no more meds on top of meds. There will be peace and grace. There will be release and support. It is such a thing to say and again, I explained above that it feels foreign to talk about "the after" but it seems okay because the time mom has is finite and winding down. this song made me see the peace and the amount of love that it took to sing this. 

Thank you to Bastille for making me ugly cry in my car. You captured everything that I have been feeling to the point of a visceral response. 


Bastille - No bad days

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