Atalist's Dungeon

It is integral to my soul. I seem to find the right songs at the right time, and right now... I am relying heavily on music to speak to me when I cannot seem to find the words.  I made a playlist to keep myself distracted. I am listening to it right now and the main theme is being carried through or finding a way through. Well if I didn't subconsciously answer my own needs through song. I spoke to my cousin Trevor about plans, about the weekend and he talked to me about the power of music and I was reminded that they can help you through anything. My mother loves music and wanted more than anything to watch my cousin Trevor and his son Josh play. It was a special request so they ran home to grab guitars and just played for her. She sang along and knew all the words to every song we played and even when she had moments of being in her own little world she would snap out of it for a song she loved. It reminded me that music can revitalize, even for a short time and that short time is...

 I miss being able to work out with my workout partner... I am going to have to bring shoes I think as I am packing for what feels like a trip I am dragging my heels at packing for. I am not ready for this next part but I am thinking about ways I can make it easier. How can I mitigate the damage I take? well, I can't so may as well pack for the awful shit. Catharsis, get it out as much as possible and survive it. I need to take care of myself otherwise how can I care for anyone else. That is rule number 1, but I have always thought that rule number 1 should be don't get caught not following the rules. I wonder where my kids get their trickster nature... they might come by it honestly, I mean Doug taught me that set of rules, so it must be him right?? I say that and look around nervously for the "what the fuck do you mean?" but I realize I am sitting here alone with my thoughts rage cleaning to music because, of catharsis. I get distracted easily right now as there are...

Just when I feel like we plateau at another level, we find we are somewhere different.  Here we are, Treatments are done. The hope of prolonging this fight is gone. Her journey is coming to a close and yet we are angry there isn't more time. Isn't that just the way though. We strive for more. We are taught very early to work hard for everything we want and to not settle, and in the end, we have to settle for the cards we are dealt. There are times when there is no bluffing your way through, it is just acceptance of the raw hand you have been dealt.  Like in all things we deal with the waves of it, waves of emotion to the times where they recede and we are left, devoid of plans, feeling, and numb. Functionally numb and then to be hit with all of the insurmountable emotion. It seems like we would drown or be crushed under its weight. I talk to people on the phone and my voice breaks and I can't continue. It's not like I want to hang up, but if I stay on the phone, it will...

I am trying to find the words and I just keep coming up short. I want to find them, I do. To tell everyone how I am feeling but it is just, hard. There is no clear picture. It is all fog. We are losing, we are losing her. I was up there for a time and the lovely moments were fewer than the challenging and tragic moments. The tears well up as I write this, but I know, in my core, that we are losing her and soon. It is foolish to presume that I can prepare for this. There is no level of preparation that will make me ready for the hurt, the anguish, and the emptiness that is going to come from this. My visit was busy. It was filled with cooking, cleaning, laundry... dealing with a shit-apocalypse and then of course a butt-ton of snow. The time I had my father is always heartwarming. He was my first "person" and still has that allocation in my brain of being my person and yet this visit I saw his frailty. I felt aches in my bones... time is a bastard but all the same, it presses ...