and now here

Just when I feel like we plateau at another level, we find we are somewhere different. 

Here we are, Treatments are done. The hope of prolonging this fight is gone. Her journey is coming to a close and yet we are angry there isn't more time. Isn't that just the way though. We strive for more. We are taught very early to work hard for everything we want and to not settle, and in the end, we have to settle for the cards we are dealt. There are times when there is no bluffing your way through, it is just acceptance of the raw hand you have been dealt. 

Like in all things we deal with the waves of it, waves of emotion to the times where they recede and we are left, devoid of plans, feeling, and numb. Functionally numb and then to be hit with all of the insurmountable emotion. It seems like we would drown or be crushed under its weight. I talk to people on the phone and my voice breaks and I can't continue. It's not like I want to hang up, but if I stay on the phone, it will do no good as all the listener will hear is sobs followed by breathless and pained cries. It serves no purpose but to say that I am hurt and I believe at this juncture, everyone gets that. We are hurt. We are an open wound that will not close. We prepare for the knife to shove deeper in and for the full effect of loss to hit, but right now, we can only manage our immediate bubble. 

I had a conversation with my new manager and explained where I was at... again, my voice cracked and the tears came. She has known me for a short amount of time but has me figured out (she is a "me" if that makes sense) and told me that I need to not be at work and to focus on this precious time that I have right now. God, I love where I work. But at the same time, I hate that I have an inability to focus on the work and the guilt of feeling like I am letting them down. I realize this is an irrational response and that the work will be there later when the reality that my mother will not... but the work is a distraction.

I called my husband. He told me to go home, to take time for me. To just be me. That man knows me, better than anyone, and yet he has never seen me go through anything this rough. I know he will be there for whatever is needed but I wonder about his own grief and how this may be affecting him. Another distraction from dealing with this.

I want to tell my mother what she means to me, I think she already knows but I feel that it needs to be said. If she could stay with us forever she would, although she would joke that I call too much and that Carly calls too little. She always knows how to poke at us, the little digs only our mom could get away with. I know she would most certainly not want to leave my father, her partner in all things... fuck. Here come the waterworks as the screen blurs and my face is stained with the deepest wells of sadness. I have been taking a lot of time to reflect on the pictures of my mother and the things she enjoyed. Music, dancing, games, golf, her people, and of course inappropriate humor. Fuck, I am talking in the past tense. She is not gone, but in a way she is, and that in itself hurts. I have been grieving this whole time, the loss in these baby steps. like pulling a thread, watching things slowly unravel for her, and yet wanting to maintain the continuity of her tapestry. She is forever changed from this process and so is the rest of us. The ripples of this envelope the lake... her community, her people. Her siblings are breaking from this. When they grew up it was always "them" banded together to survive. This is probably why they have been hyper-critical of every decision we have made. They are trying to band around her to take care of her like they always have done. They don't understand and weren't privy to all of the information when they wanted it, but at the same time, they didn't need to. My sister and I did what our parents asked of us and we know that they appreciated every phone call, every late-night rally, every trip, all the times staying at my place, the little chores, and brain-storming session to make things easier. They appreciated their community reaching out to them even when it made them feel uncomfortable. They are private people and in some ways they still are. We knew how things were going on the weekend but we wanted to give mom a glorious weekend with her family. We succeeded. 

Her journey has been marvelous and extraordinary. She is brilliant even in her resolve that has gotten her this far... She is tired, she is preparing and we are trying to do the same... this time we enter into is filled with grace, with mercy and I hope for her sake, with peace. 

I know my sister, my father and I will be there to show her all of our love and to hold her hands and remind her of the love and beauty she has shown us. I hope she will always know that she raised two very strong daughters and that those values we grew up with are being passed to 3 very beautiful children along with her love and strength. 

I love you, Mom.