Catharsis.

 I miss being able to work out with my workout partner... I am going to have to bring shoes I think as I am packing for what feels like a trip I am dragging my heels at packing for. I am not ready for this next part but I am thinking about ways I can make it easier. How can I mitigate the damage I take? well, I can't so may as well pack for the awful shit. Catharsis, get it out as much as possible and survive it. I need to take care of myself otherwise how can I care for anyone else. That is rule number 1, but I have always thought that rule number 1 should be don't get caught not following the rules. I wonder where my kids get their trickster nature... they might come by it honestly, I mean Doug taught me that set of rules, so it must be him right?? I say that and look around nervously for the "what the fuck do you mean?" but I realize I am sitting here alone with my thoughts rage cleaning to music because, of catharsis. I get distracted easily right now as there are a million contingency plans running through my head. It's how I have always operated... plans upon plans upon plans. A codex of what to do in each scenario and yet, the pages flip intermittently like a gust of wind over a book and I lose my place. I guess that is what I am going to feel with this whole process, misplaced and displaced. What the hell do I pack? I realize I have packed nothing but workout gear. Fuck. I am not doing the greatest today. I feel like a deflated balloon. It's pretty pathetic. 

I chant to myself I will get through this like the little engine that could. I think I can, I think I can... like that fucking swim that I did, dock to dock Lindsey, dock to dock. One progression to the next but the next one seems so far. So I continue with my rage cleaning, indiscriminately around my house... and I wonder if this is just a distraction. probably... but it is a good one. 

Alright, no more fucking around... I need to get this done, I need to finish, I need to see the next step, and take it. I can control that much. If I don't take it, I will move forward without these progressions to get me to where I want to be and I will find myself in a place that I am ill-prepared for... So let's get this done. 

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