Music

It is integral to my soul. I seem to find the right songs at the right time, and right now... I am relying heavily on music to speak to me when I cannot seem to find the words. 

I made a playlist to keep myself distracted. I am listening to it right now and the main theme is being carried through or finding a way through. Well if I didn't subconsciously answer my own needs through song. I spoke to my cousin Trevor about plans, about the weekend and he talked to me about the power of music and I was reminded that they can help you through anything. My mother loves music and wanted more than anything to watch my cousin Trevor and his son Josh play. It was a special request so they ran home to grab guitars and just played for her. She sang along and knew all the words to every song we played and even when she had moments of being in her own little world she would snap out of it for a song she loved. It reminded me that music can revitalize, even for a short time and that short time is precious. Those musical moments are magical and a blessing. 

Music can bring out the emotions you didn't know you were feeling. 

I have been cycling through my feelings in dealing with my grief. I have found joy in the little things with my mom, even just cuddling with her while she is refusing to get out of bed or her moments of clarity where she jokes with us... her calling my sisters cats or even little snuggles with the kids. There is joy in the difficult times, I have learned you can find it if you look hard enough. 

I have definitely found anger in the midst of minor frustrations and familial struggles... the idiom too many cooks comes to mind and then I see red. I am also avoiding anything that causes anger... probably the safest scenario for them and for myself. 

I have found despair. When you are told there is no hope and that loss is impending, you find despair pretty quickly followed up with depression. I can't fathom the loss but I know it will be greater than anything I have ever felt. She is still here and that gives some comfort, but there are constant reminders of things she will no longer experience and the "new normal" of weakness and pain is already a loss we are dealing with. If a person is at 100%, my mother is at 40, but the realization that 40 is her new 100 is brutal. She will never be better than what she is right at this very minute... and it really is a minute-by-minute thing for all of us. 

I am constantly on guard right now, I am worried about all of the things. How this is going to affect the children, how it is changing me... I worry about work and making sure that I am not leaving them in a lurch... It is irrational to focus on that stuff, but I know it is a distraction from the realization that I am going to lose my mom and I would rather be distracted than feel it because we are not there yet.

So I continue to listen to music in hopes of being able to find the peace in the quiet and the solace that I am not the only child to lose a parent and that I can make it through this and hopefully she will pass with all of the love and peace. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I have heeded my own advice

I have stopped for what feels like a minute.  To take stock, to focus to do all of the required and cliche elements to slowing down and what I can tell you, they are not for me.  Slowing down requires you to actually stop, and I feel like I physically cannot do it, nor does time allow it.  My children have not slowed down with their exploits, nor has time actually slowed down for me to appreciate things, so I speed along with it.  Grayson is losing all of his teeth... he has caught up to Sterling in that regard and goodness, that child is 8 going on 20. He wants to be big so fast that it is alarm at what he is attempting to learn and accomplish, and completely by himself.  He is staunchly independent, like his parents, and all the while they grow and learn at an unfathomable rate.  I don't know who wrote it but I have heard this quote go around that "time is a thief" and when I was younger I didn't really fathom that, I sure do now. My little humans are not...
Read more

Coming back into the fold...

 I have been absent. It has been due in part to life getting busy. Busy with the kids, with jobs, and with living. But that doesn't change the fact that I have stories to tell, well not necessarily stories, but perceptions and observations to unfold for me and share with a couple of people who might feel the same.  My life has been upside down lately. Over the last few years, we have seen a lot of change and loss. But we have also evolved with the good too. The children are wonderful, growing into amazing and unique human beings and that is a wonderful thing to bear witness to. We have been spending time with our people and just generally loving life.  However, that love of life doesn't just come with one emotion, but all of them. Autumn is usually a transitional time where things go back to sleep and return to the earth to wait until a spring awakening. It is also a time for reflection and change, and well, our fall was all about that. I had moved into a new position (no...
Read more

3 years

 3 years of feelings, of joys and triumphs you have missed.  3 years of laughs, of plans, and of trips. We would have wanted to share the experiences with you, and yet you marched out into the great beyond, setting a path for all of us to follow one day. Mom, you were a trailblazer in that regard. The hole you left in our lives is not smaller but somehow we have grown around it. We keep space for you but we are growing and changing everyday.  Things I wish I could tell you: - I turned 40. You were amazed when I was turning 37 and somehow 3 years went by and now I am 40.  - Grayson and Sterling have grown and are little dudes now with all of the humour and ridiculousness that they seem to muster. You would be in stitches for the things they say.  - Sophia has two more years and then she is off to post-secondary. How they hell did that happen so quickly. Your Diva misses you.  - Dad is going on a trip with us and has helped us significantly. You would not app...
Read more