Not okay

 I am not okay. 

Let's start there. 

Nothing about a close family member dying is okay. It is utter bullshit. 

Objectively I understand that it is the plight of the human condition. I also understand that we make choices in life and those choices lead us down a path that we cannot un-walk. It is normative but at the same time, nothing about this feels normal. It feels broken.  Everything is broken. I am broken. 

I get that grief is a process, hell I studied the Kubler-ross cycle in school and I wrote an emotional envelope about grief. I know quite a bit about the grief cycle but at the same time, it is different to go through it. It's different to know that it is coming. 

I am not okay and nothing is okay, but maybe that in itself is okay. I have been learning that not being okay in this instance is normative and if you are okay there is something inherently wrong with you. I am trying, trying the best I can to manage all of this and I can't, I just can't. I need to ask for help and I need to do all of these things but sometimes it feels like I am frozen in putty. Like Artax in the never-ending story. Doomed to let grief take me, but at the same time, I know that I am stronger than that. 

I know that I have broad shoulders to carry the weight of all that need me. I am there and can do it all. It is a trait that I came by honestly and it is a trait that will get us through. I inherited that trait from my mom. She takes care of everyone and with all the things. She is a hard woman at times but at the same time, she is central and pivotal. 

The things that keep me from crying constantly are the laughs and ridiculous moments. I need them and cling to them like life support. They are the life preserver in a sea of sadness.

I cling, I hang on, I am not okay. 


Comments

Rory said…
Grief is the price of love. It is a very, very steep price, diabolically high. But it is so worth it.
11:38 pm
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