I sit here with a constant reminder on my finger. 

You are gone mom and I am wearing your wedding band as a way to keep you with me. I look down at it and remember all the times I looked at your hands... when you were painting, playing ball, or just general stuff around the house. I have seen this ring on your finger at least a thousand times and now it sits on my finger. I want to call the house just to hear you say hello. I know that is a tall order now that you are wandering the universe, but it is the simplest of things I want. It seems so simple and yet now it is too much. It is weird to have a mom but not have her within a distance. I used to joke that I never wanted to be within striking distance of my mom, but I would give anything for that now. I am as determined as you were... you hung on to the bitter end and chose the time you wanted to go. I couldn't ask anything more than that. There are wishes floating around that will go unanswered. I wish you could have stayed, I wish you could see the boys grow up, I wish that you could have had more snuggles and more hugs, more kisses, and more inappropriate jokes, games, and banter. 

I sit here and have a hollow. A spot that is for you that will never fill. My friends who have lost their moms tell me that it will get easier to carry this grief, it just feels so heavy right now. I feel the exhaustion of all of this... the grief and work that I have put into two years of fight and of planning, organizing, etc. It is hard to let go of all of that, but my father, sister, and I worked so very hard for those two years, just as you did mom... the effort that our whole family put in for those two years was worth every extra second we got and now we feel the weight of your absence. You didn't want us to make a big fuss out of you, but I remember the smiles and laughs and hugs when we did. You were worth it and now as we go to plan a celebration of your life I am going to break my promise to you ... I will make a big deal out of you because you were such a big deal to me. You wanted a party with no tears, with music and fun and I know that I am going to break that promise too... I have been crying a lot since you went off into the universe and it is because I want to be able to call you and tell you all the things. I want to bug the shit out of you by calling too much or telling you I love you too often for your liking. I will settle for giving you a party in honour of you, a party that will make a big deal out of the person you will always be to us with all of the smiles and love you gave us. 

I love you, mom. I will always love you. 


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