Triggers

Cancer is triggering. 
I have been seeing many of my friends and acquaintances struggling with cancer diagnoses and that terror wells up in my throat. I don't want to live in an echo chamber and I know that these individuals need love and support, but all I feel like doing is fleeing. I realize that given everything I have just gone through, facing my own mortality is normal, and yet, I am petrified. My friends of mine are young and have no business dealing with such hardships, but life is never fair and rarely makes sense. I want to be there for them, but I realize that my mother's illness has caused trauma. I feel pathetic to feel this way because their struggles are much more vast than mine and yet here I am, hearing about another friend who is fighting for their life and I cannot bring myself to snap out of this funk. I feel a visceral response to hearing it. It makes me ill to the point where I have no idea how to interact and feel cold. Sweat beads on my forehead and I realize that what I am feeling is a shock. I wish the world was kinder, I wish cancer would just fuck right off. I also believe that 31 much like 37 and even 64 is way too fucking young. 

The moral of the story is cancer is utter fucking bullshit, I am pretty traumatized and still working through what I have gone through. 

What I am trying to say is if you can be anything, be kind and facing mortality is brutal for anyone. 

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