Triggers

Cancer is triggering. 
I have been seeing many of my friends and acquaintances struggling with cancer diagnoses and that terror wells up in my throat. I don't want to live in an echo chamber and I know that these individuals need love and support, but all I feel like doing is fleeing. I realize that given everything I have just gone through, facing my own mortality is normal, and yet, I am petrified. My friends of mine are young and have no business dealing with such hardships, but life is never fair and rarely makes sense. I want to be there for them, but I realize that my mother's illness has caused trauma. I feel pathetic to feel this way because their struggles are much more vast than mine and yet here I am, hearing about another friend who is fighting for their life and I cannot bring myself to snap out of this funk. I feel a visceral response to hearing it. It makes me ill to the point where I have no idea how to interact and feel cold. Sweat beads on my forehead and I realize that what I am feeling is a shock. I wish the world was kinder, I wish cancer would just fuck right off. I also believe that 31 much like 37 and even 64 is way too fucking young. 

The moral of the story is cancer is utter fucking bullshit, I am pretty traumatized and still working through what I have gone through. 

What I am trying to say is if you can be anything, be kind and facing mortality is brutal for anyone. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Closer to the truth

 I feel like I am on my own with all of this. I have been unlucky in the sense that when my sister did her 23andme, she found out everything in one go. People had already found out the information and she didn't need to delve too far to find out who her donor is. I did my 23andme and found out minimal information. Subsequent tests yielded more results but still no where in the realm of figuring out who this person is. It has been tricky and difficult to find out information. It is also an isolating experience because while my family is supportive, they are terrified that I am going to go digging for a new family.  Their fears are somewhat warranted in the sense that I am pissed off at them still, but they will always be my family and they have been trying to atone for past grievances. It's hard to talk to anyone about this because honestly, most cannot relate. I am a 40 year old IVF/ donor conceived child who recently found out and am coming to terms with all the lying and the...
Read more

Emotional work and christmas diatribes

 it is tibs eve in our house and I am listening to the quiet pitter-patter of my sister and her boyfriend downstairs.  I am trying not to be angry about the conversation I just had and the emotional regulation that is trying to be projected onto me. My sister doesn't want me to feel the way I do about my relationship with Mom. She has told me to stop talking about the way that I do and that I need to recognize that Mom loved us. While I get that my mother loved me, the truth of that is just as real as my experience with her was. The hardness and the difficulties I had with my own mother is still true at the end of the day. My experience with her is still the reality I grew up with and sugarcoating it because she loved me feels like a form of abuse. It reminds me of what the abused say in order to continually go back to their assailants. They love me, this was all just a misunderstanding. They loved me and it really wasn't that bad... They love me... all the while I can underst...
Read more

finding out I am an IVF baby.

 Read the previous post to get caught up to speed, but here are the cliffnotes: found out from my sister that she was donor-conceived, potentially an IVF baby she has a bunch of siblings and found out through 23andme She suspects that I am the same.  Everyone knew...  Great, now you are caught up to speed.  I decided to take a DNA test on New Year's (postal strike delayed our tests getting to us for quite a while) with 2 of my favourite people. Andy and Doug. We all spit into tubes and sent it off... I could barely wait, but while we did, all of our friends placed bets on how many potential siblings I might have. The highest guess being 69, the lowest guess being only 1 (Douglas,) which ended up being accurate according to the test. In fact, I found out that I was one of the first IVF babies in the province of Ontario out of the Life Clinic in Toronto. My parents paid $14,000 in 1983 to start the process for me. It seems wild to think about that dollar amount now. Th...
Read more