Atalist's Dungeon

I have been feeling okay. Not just okay, but more so that the world is not a dark and horrible place.  Let me explain,  I have had many rough things happen in the last couple of years. I lost both of my motherly figures. Both are gone in what feels like a blink of an eye. My moms, my rocks, and my support. My mom died in an arduous battle with lung cancer. My mom was a hard person, she lacked a way to communicate her feelings and was generally not the mom you saw on TV with close relationships with her daughters... My aunt however filled that void. She was constantly calling, messaging, checking in, and telling us how proud she was. She was the one who wanted to connect with us and for Carly and I, advocate for us going out into the world and being the free spirits we were. When Mom was annoyed that we were doing something she disapproved of, Aunt Kathy was there in our corners to advocate for the ridiculous things we were trying to do at the time supporting us and telling Mom...

 It is a weird state of affairs when you are sick.  Time first and foremost is a construct; when you are sick this construct goes wibbly-wobbly. Are you hungry? no? Is it 7pm and you haven't eaten? It might be.  But mostly the world pivots hard and makes you slow down whether or not you want to.  I call bullshit on the imposed slow down but at the same time, I cannot believe that we are here. After everything, it is literally adding insult on top of injury.  But in that time there are small mercies. Funny moments, sweet moments, and ridiculous moments with the family. It also makes me appreciate the people in our community. I love our people. We had people drop off Gravol and Biosteel, people who offered to run and grab whatever we needed... people to just send ridiculous videos to, it was important to know that they are and seemingly always will be there.  So as much as we have gone through it, time and time again. (Tiny humans are germ-infested) I know we...

 This weekend we said "See you later" to my Aunt Kathy.  She was a pivotal person in my early life and as such she had asked me many years ago to write her a Yagoogly. I thought that maybe, she was just trying to compliment me on my early musings and writing because I wrote down my feelings and thoughts. It was practice for bigger exploits and she meant it. When I went to see her in the hospital she told me she was dying and that I still needed to do her Yagoogly. So on the weekend, I delivered it. It was hard. I went up to the podium with eyes brimming full of tears from memories flooding back as Rhonda-Lee spoke and I thought, how the hell am I going to do this. As I got up there I just started to talk. It wasn't so bad until the end of the speech. The actual goodbye was the hardest part. Telling her I love her and that I hope wherever she is, she knows she is loved. All seemed too much. There were laughs that I didn't expect because things like getting a tattoo wit...

 I am trying to make this video for aunt kathy and sweet jesus I don't ever want to make another memorial video. It's taking me places that are difficult and hard. Feeling the loss of each person but at the same time, the pivotal memories come flooding back. Every time I fell flat on my face, my family was there to pick me up and celebrate me coming round. I suppose that is what I am trying to do for Aunt Kathy and all I can think of is the beautiful life she had. It was amazing and remarkable and all of us could be so lucky to live a life well lived. She did that.  God I miss her. 

 I have been disconnected.  My world has not slowed down and has been quick to move forward. It's a weird experience when you lose people in your life or when a bunch of trauma happens all at once and rather than processing it you rush through it all because there is no time. That is what I have been feeling. I had a lot of awful happen all at once. My beautiful and amazing aunt Kathy, my other mother, died and then my father had a traumatic accident (6-inch laceration to his face), and then another illness followed by my other uncle going in for brain surgery due to a traumatic fall (he had a brain bleed) and then... to top it all off our household ended up with Norwalk. We have had no time to process anything and as we come out of this illness I am feeling it all. I feel the stress slip a bit and I feel the numbness creep away. I feel it now. The disbelief that she is gone... hearing people talk about such a fiery and vivacious person seems like the world is off its axis. It...

 Who knew it would take a few strands of hair to set off a chain reaction that left me bawling Saturday night.  I went up with my family to Dad's. Not entirely out of the norm but this weekend was us helping Dad and spending time with him. The day was great, we got some wood done, and there were delicious meals and giggles. That night I remembered that Sophia had grown out of her shoes again and we were needing some for her graduation. I had ordered some cute shoes but knew I already had to return them because of the size differential. She picked shoes, they looked beautiful and she said, "grandma will walk with me at my graduation". That made me teary eyed enough that sophia immediately hugged me. We giggled a bit saying that grandma had way too many shoes and carried on. I figured since I was already in her closet and it had been a year, it was time to start the purge. What I didn't count on was the overwhelming effect of pulling down a green sweater would have.  It...

 Feminine rage boils within me.  I live in a world of inequity.  Where what dictates control is between one's legs.  a god damned fallacy.  If given a moment to think,  the realization; it is not an act of love to do this much work.  It is a societal expectation.  This is all he has known, he is not being a jerk.  It's a man's world.  The cards are always in his favour.  My roles are every day and will never fade.  Mother, maid, psychiatrist, nurse... emotional labour.  Do what you are told, sit up straight, and adhere to your role.  Don't rock the boat, do not make waves.  Be the virgin, the Madonna, and the wife.  Submit, give him the sex he craves.  We believe that our relationship will save us. from the hardships, we will endure.  Avoiding the chase puts on a different shackle One with emotional damage as a cure.  We indoctrinate our young to believe this is normal The emotional torture fr...

 I am sitting in my office today on a very difficult day trying to keep my head up. Naturally, I am listening to music to try to lighten the mood but to the left of me is a gift that was given to me by a beautiful friend. It's a book called "Bright Poems for dark days"  I thought it was a lovely gift but didn't look in the book until today. I had a chance, what with it being a not-so-pleasant anniversary and Damnit Christopher, you got me. He carefully put the bookmark on a poem that he knew would speak to me. I know every gift Christopher gives is carefully selected. They are not by chance or just because it looks pretty. He poised the bookmark between two poems that just struck me. The quote in question "Tomorrow will be beautiful, for tomorrow comes out of the lake..." Well, doesn't he know me or what? It hit me hard today because water is always and will always be my calm.  Thank you Christopher for reminding me... 

 "Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, sat down, and wrote your story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love." A year. A lot can happen in a year. I have been sitting here trying to reconcile with the fact that tomorrow marks a year ago that you left. A year. I am trying to find a way to communicate the feelings, the resounding grief that has remained, and the wealth of things I wish I could tell you while you sit in my living room laughing as the boys run around.  I was talking to dad last night, we have been keenly aware of what is happening tomorrow and the anniversary that is coming. I asked him if he wanted to come down and do something with me, anything, just spend time. He honestly wants to let the day pass and carry on, but the focus of our conversation shifted to that of you being gone but no longer struggling. No long...

 My mom was not a hugger.  She wasn't exactly what you would call a warm person but every time I brought someone home she was inviting and gracious. I bring this up today because Google memories are a wonderful and terrible thing after you have lost someone. I was looking through pictures and videos of the kids and was struck by a video from a few years ago. Baby Sterling crawled on the floor and rolled over to look at someone in the background. I wasn't paying attention to the background of the video initially because of course the subject was my cute little baby rolling around. The moment I changed my focus I recognized that it was my mom in the background with her dog Sadie, both of whom we have lost within a calendar year. It struck me because I missed having her just be present. I missed feeling her presence and then it hit like a freight train, that presence and shared experience is something that I didn't know I was missing in my life, the life after mom. She wasn...

 I have been thinking... Today is international women's day. A day to celebrate women but as I stated above, do we? I mean in theory we like to thank our mothers, sisters, aunties, and cousins for just being them but do we do anything meaningful or tangible to make things better for them? do we incite change?  I have been thinking a lot about how I feel recently and the pressures to fit into this box of what is acceptable. Weight, looks, ability, mothering... all of it has a social metric that the societal "we" set to ascribe to. I talk to many of my mom's friends and we all feel the same. Stressed, pressured, discouraged, and in some cases hyper-fixated on changing ourselves to fit this imposed norm. But what if we stop. What if we concentrate not on fitting this mold, but on fitting ourselves. What if we concentrate and change the narrative to teach those that come after us to just be, to love, and to love themselves? What if we focus on celebrating other women rath...

 With a new year comes a new cycle of anniversaries to be celebrated.  Some wonderous, like birthdays, special moments, and new traditions that are coming around for the second time. And then there are the anniversaries you dread. Coming up on the 17th is my mom's birthday. Last year we celebrated with her and we knew that it would be her last birthday. We went all out to give her a massive party with all of her favourite things. Her favourite music, the cake she wanted. It was a celebration but also a last hurrah. There were moments when the air was sucked out of the room and Kala and I ran to the bathroom to hide our crying. Mom didn't abide us crying over her and we were supposed to be strong for her, but to be honest there were cracks in the foundation. A year later (I can't believe I am saying it) and she is not here to celebrate her birthday. A significant day that will pass but still holds reverence for her family. It will always be the day that she came into the wor...

 I have been having issues with my nose.  It has been an ongoing problem but man oh man, trying to get this dealt with has been an uphill battle. It started several years ago, meeting with my family doctor (I have a new one now) where it was just a small sore on the inside of my nose. He gave me polysporin and told me to carry on which I did, although it never really went away. It did when I dealt with my bronchitis and then it came back a little later. and now I have much larger issues. The PA I saw said that I have a deviated septum and scarring from an old nose piercing but other than that to take these steroids and antihistamines and carry on... which I have been doing except it has not improved. Well, today I got my referral to an ENT (ear nose, and throat doctor) I was happy and good until a few minutes ago when I googled him. NEVER google your doctors. It is almost as bad as googling your symptoms to find out new and exciting ways you are about to die. My referred docto...