Atalist's Dungeon

 This week I have avoided technology... besides watching my tv. (I am not a heathen?!) and spending time being present with my family. It has been a glorious week. We went to Sandbanks, we got burnt, we played and spent time. We had ice cream, and drinks with friends and just generally enjoyed being together. We also had a birthday, an anniversary day, appointments, and fun. It has been glorious but I also feel a creeping sadness with each event. Had my mom been here for Sterling's birthday, she would have bought him an inappropriate toy and giggled at everything the boys did. She would have loved the idea of sterling's birthday and would have been bemused by his creative charm. On the day of my anniversary, Doug and I went and played a round of golf... a favourite pastime of hers. I thought of the commentary she would have displayed watching me play golf and how competitive she could get. I recognized that in myself and then immediately tried to adjust course. it's not tha...

 1 year ago.  It was 1 year ago today that our world changed and you went into the hospital. You were rushed down to Kingston, and we all had to pivot hard. It was a year ago that we found out the cancer was back in a more aggressive form and that you would struggle... with catheter bags, walkers, and that there would be no surviving this. We didn't find that out right away (it wasn't a year to the date) but it was a year ago that you entered the final stages of your life. We didn't know it, but this was the first step down. Facebook memories are lovely until they punch you squarely in the guts and remind you of things that are hard.  I remember getting the call from you asking questions about medical stuff to me... this would not normally be the case as Carly is the medical professional, but I was calling every day to check in and to report back to Doctors. I remember talking to dad later on after you were in the hospital and him telling me that you found it incredibly a...

 I find it funny that two people can have children that are so very very different.  The same genes mixed up to make someone so incredibly different that it is odd that they came from the same parents, and yet here they are.  I look at my sister and I wonder how we were cut from the same cloth. We are very very different. She would rather lounge on the couch while I am outside with dad cutting away the ice and shoveling the back deck and roof off. She is gifted where science and math are easy to her when I actually have to work really hard to understand the advanced functions that she can do off the top of her head.  It blows my mind at how different we are, and how we respond to things so differently. She jumps to anger first and is on the attack. I am more emotional and feel it. If I cry she responds by calling me a baby or some other sarcastic name but if I get to a spot of anger, the tears come and I find myself shaking. Doug even has said he does not understand ...

I am tired of dealing with "okay" I am tired of the connotation of "okay"  I am losing all patience with the word "okay"  that is because nothing feels okay right now.  I feel like I am perpetually being treated poorly by those that should be supporting us.  I will not be naming names, but if you think it is about you, it probably is.  All I have been doing is trying to follow the path that mom gave me and that dad, my sister, and I are walking down.  This is a situation where too many people have too many fucking opinions that they should keep to themselves and stop talking shit about us.  My parents are private. They always have been. So it would track that all of the decisions they have made thus far have been given to my sister and me.  My mother in August told me what she wanted for her end-of-life care and celebration of life and that is what we are going with. This was also confirmed the week before her birthday party.  We are doing wh...

I am thinking.  I sit here and look at you, you are right next to me so it is easy, however, I am never subtle about it.  Subtlety was never my strong suit, but I like to do this to see you. To truly see you. I look at your eyes first. Brightest blue and the shape of them, I branch out from there and see the wrinkles from lots of smiles. I then expand from there to look at your nose, your straight as a board nose that leads to your beard and mouth. I was never a beard person, I was always someone who loved clean-cut, but on you, I swoon. I expand further to your cheeks, ears, and hair... I smile because you look shocked at me like I am being awkward and the answer is I probably am, but I want to see you for who you are, for the beauty in the imperfectly perfect. You are beautiful to me. I wait to hear you speak and listen to your voice resonate in my ears. I could get lost in your words you know, but it is more than that. I am enthralled. I look at your hands now, the hands th...

 I am sitting at work this morning and I reflect on a lovely weekend.  It was mother's day on Sunday.  Rather than focus on the fact that my mother is no longer here for me to hug and get her a ridiculous card, I spent the day quietly focusing on my little slice of heaven. Playing with my children, attending a movie... My kids thought I was sad but I was having major gastro issues that I won't go into here. It was nice. I was also exhausted because Kerry's 50th birthday was on the weekend and we wanted to "do it up" right which meant drinks, food, inappropriate games, and the usual frivolity. This morning, however, is a different story, I woke up happy, tired, and not wanting to get up which is usual, however, what was added was unyielding sadness that Mom is not here. I miss her today, her day lapsed without us being able to spend time with her and I hate it. I hate that she didn't get to tell me I am being ridiculous and to "buck up" I just wanted ...

 Mom's celebration of life, there are so many things that I would like to say but feel like the words are just not going to come. It was a fury of work that lead up to this most perfect day for my mom, pity she was not here but celebrations of life are for the living. We started everything on Wednesday night with dad coming down and me packing all the things... followed up by Thursday's shopping trip and then replacing deck boards, putting up tents, coordinating portapotties, and just general prep. I should mention that my parents have the absolute best neighbors and friends who brought over garbage cans, planters, and really everything else we needed. There was a fury of food making on the Thursday with the family preparing things and we honestly over fooded the place... but that was what mom did, she made sure that we could feed a small army. Our family and good friends (Joyce and Doreen) provided so it felt like she had delivered on the food she would normally make... almost...