a post from mother's day with some addition

 I am sitting at work this morning and I reflect on a lovely weekend. 

It was mother's day on Sunday. 

Rather than focus on the fact that my mother is no longer here for me to hug and get her a ridiculous card, I spent the day quietly focusing on my little slice of heaven. Playing with my children, attending a movie... My kids thought I was sad but I was having major gastro issues that I won't go into here. It was nice. I was also exhausted because Kerry's 50th birthday was on the weekend and we wanted to "do it up" right which meant drinks, food, inappropriate games, and the usual frivolity.

This morning, however, is a different story, I woke up happy, tired, and not wanting to get up which is usual, however, what was added was unyielding sadness that Mom is not here. I miss her today, her day lapsed without us being able to spend time with her and I hate it. I hate that she didn't get to tell me I am being ridiculous and to "buck up" I just wanted to be able to hug her and tell her that I love her and that she is remarkable. I wanted to stare into her gold eyes as she rolled them at me for going too mushy and emotional (not her forte) 

And now (several months down the road, it is july) I still feel this feeling. I had a dream yesterday that mom and I were in a room together, I wanted to hug her and talk to her, she was there but noncorporeal. I couldn't hug her, hold her hand or do anything beyond talk to her with no response, just her face. I awoke and realized this is exactly what I have been going through. I didn't realize when I held her hand last, that it would be the last time. I didn't realize the last time I hugged her and gave her a kiss would be the last time and those last times are hard memories. I was sad for the morning and then proceeded to have a lovely afternoon, but it is always on the edge of every day, that sadness that my mom is in the great beyond. I like this turn of phrase because it doesn't sound like she is just gone on vacation or unreachable but still around. It says that she is gone somewhere beyond here... I do not feign to know where she has gone, just that she is and it is an easier pill to swallow than the dancing around the term dead or gone. It sounds like she has gone to the gates of Valhalla or that she has gone on this remarkable adventure that we cannot follow, and isn't that just the way of it? She has. 


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