glorious vacation

 This week I have avoided technology... besides watching my tv. (I am not a heathen?!) and spending time being present with my family. It has been a glorious week. We went to Sandbanks, we got burnt, we played and spent time. We had ice cream, and drinks with friends and just generally enjoyed being together. We also had a birthday, an anniversary day, appointments, and fun. It has been glorious but I also feel a creeping sadness with each event. Had my mom been here for Sterling's birthday, she would have bought him an inappropriate toy and giggled at everything the boys did. She would have loved the idea of sterling's birthday and would have been bemused by his creative charm. On the day of my anniversary, Doug and I went and played a round of golf... a favourite pastime of hers. I thought of the commentary she would have displayed watching me play golf and how competitive she could get. I recognized that in myself and then immediately tried to adjust course. it's not that I don't want to be like my mom, I just know that her level of competition is not fun for everyone. I wanted to enjoy the day, relax and get into the "swing of things". On the way into town after golf, Doug and I talked about mom because I couldn't help but think of her. It was odd and still is odd that she is not around to talk to. I called dad to tell him about my "bullshit" chip for par (Doug's words not mine lol) and filled him in on our day. It was lovely to talk to him but I worried about calling him about our anniversary. Anniversaries are somewhat of a sore spot considering they didn't make it to their 44th but I wanted to hear my dad's voice. 

We have had a lovely week. I then started watching virgin river, and leaving it to show writers to sucker punch me in the feels when talking about grief. "grief does not get lighter the longer you carry it, you just get used to the weight" Well isn't that the truth. I fear that I will be carrying this same pain for the rest of my life, I will just get used to carrying it and missing someone who is no longer here. 

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