A difference a year can make

 1 year ago. 

It was 1 year ago today that our world changed and you went into the hospital. You were rushed down to Kingston, and we all had to pivot hard. It was a year ago that we found out the cancer was back in a more aggressive form and that you would struggle... with catheter bags, walkers, and that there would be no surviving this. We didn't find that out right away (it wasn't a year to the date) but it was a year ago that you entered the final stages of your life. We didn't know it, but this was the first step down. Facebook memories are lovely until they punch you squarely in the guts and remind you of things that are hard. 

I remember getting the call from you asking questions about medical stuff to me... this would not normally be the case as Carly is the medical professional, but I was calling every day to check in and to report back to Doctors. I remember talking to dad later on after you were in the hospital and him telling me that you found it incredibly annoying. I explained to him why I was doing what I was doing and it all seemed to click for him. Our household went from 7 on the regular to 10 overnight... for a month. We were constantly running to the hospital, to get whatever we were out of or needed. And then the phone call came in. We were waiting for them to tell us what was going on, whether it was the shunt or cancer. Dad and I were waiting for Carly to return from her brief interlude in Toronto and the call came in. We were sitting on the back porch and it was raining so dad couldn't hear it but I did... leptomeningeal Carcinomatosis. A rare and aggressive form of cancer, a product of cancer you started with. I just remember explaining it to dad and the prognosis that Carly and I knew all along. In the beginning, you and dad did not want to know the prognosis but Carly and I needed to in order to plan things and coordinate. We told no one about this because it wasn't our place to share that kind of information and have it get back to you. We respected you didn't want to know and that was alright... but holy fuck, I didn't think that in a year's time you would be gone. It seems like within that year we lived 10 years. There was so much we went through, so much good, bad and ugly. But we went through it all together. You were always a trooper, making the best of the situations that you were put in... but holy fuck. 1 year and so much change. 

That month was about banding together. It was the first time in ages my sister defended me. I was shocked and amazed that we had repaired our relationship to that point. I did not think it possible, and yet all of us pitched in. Carly was there cooking, cleaning, and helping with the kids while I ran around organizing all the things. We pulled off a birthday party with an impressive and yet suggestive pin the tail on the T-rex. We adapted. But here we are in a situation where the reminders and memories of a year ago flood the hole you left and we are filled with the cold and icy sadness of missing you. I will tell you it hasn't been all the time. We are coping, we are moving steadily forward with a minimal complaint as you would want us to, and yet... there are the days when that wound reopens and all bets are off. 

I could hear you in my mind telling me that I need to "quit it" and that it is not the end of the world, but whether you like it or not our world did fucking end, mom. It has changed entirely but I still think back to the little moments of pushing you to go to the hospital when you wouldn't, to running to the hospital and to your "aerial" It all seems so far away; a distant memory and yet it was a year ago. 

I had a conversation with my nephew last weekend about how "time is relative". The kid is wise and intelligent beyond his years but he was so correct that the distance away from the "hard stuff" goes quickly and the realization that brought that you have been gone for a quarter of the year also was a punch to the gut. 

I don't know how to end this... just that a year has gone by from when we got the worst news...  but I will not lament that or the time we got or the things that we moved through as a family. It is just alarming what a year can bring and what it can take away.