Atalist's Dungeon

Can I not have happiness? the moments that I am happy seem to throw the world off its axis does the mere thought of my happiness mean impending doom?! I was happy today, Things change like the weather, instantaneous. I wish nothing could touch me, No one, No thing... I was almost blissful, Now I am back to fighting for where I want to be. Offer yourself up on a silver platter, only to be sent back to the kitchen. Its the way this world works. Maybe I am jaded, but I am a product of my environment.

We have a place, a space where we fit. There are many who like to fit outside the box. There is a place for you... People who long for originality, and yet are a carbon copy of the person next to them. They long for the same thing, There is a place, space for them too. So many people lack an original thought, and yet I don't blame them. People have inhabited the world for years, It is inevitable that someone has thought exactly what you have before you. A place, space and face for everyone. We are just bound and bonded to the history that we feel we have outgrown. The saying its in the past should hold more reverence. For in the past we are shown that original thought was present. The modern era is where it has been laid to rest. A place, space, face, ineptitude of grace... this is where our society lies.

rhythmic, transient sounds wake me. I am whole and renewed. I am not hurt and I feel safe, yet there is something more that i feel. I am trying to rectify that. Rather an absence of emotion. I haven't felt this in a long time, This lack lustre love feeling is vacant from my body. I know you don't want to hurt me and yet, its inevitable everyone hurts everyone. I know who I am hurting and I am doing quite a marvelous job. There are no deals I can make that will change anything. Its all going to come to fruition sooner rather than later. If I could save you from this I would, I would run miles, Try to make a deal with god... But I can't. You will see eventually. Right now this is all just words to you. Someday, someday soon you will see.

A beautiful moment, caress here and touch there... Intimate yet rough. There is so much sentiment there. Unspoken reverence. I am not sure where to go here, yet I don't care. I still claim myself and my independence as my own. No one shall lead me asunder.

I ache in remembrance of what it feels like to be touched. Lips and skin a distant memory. I long for it , that sensual thrill coupled with anticipation of whats to come. I ache, I feel and I remember you.

The snow is falling. Canvasing the outside with white. It was long ago that I felt that majestic feeling, A year ago precisely. Where the beauty of the landscape took my breath away. The world innocent and beautiful. Persephone sleeps in peace. Her vast amounts of green lay dormant beneath a diamond like sheen. The full moon crystallizes my lawn. A sparkling night, a glorious night. I take the walk down my road. Tree branches that normally reach to the heavens, are weighed down by the blanket of snow. Stars upon stars perfect their craft. A clear night, a breathless night. The wind howls like the wolves in the nearby forest. I breathe and see a ghost escape my lips. It is the very warmth escaping, taking the cold deep within me. I look around and see movement in the shadows, a doe quietly searching for food. our eyes meet. We understand each other in that silent moment. I continue on my walk down the wooded driveway. Lights are out, The world as we know it lays in deep slumber. All tha...

Twist me and spin me round, Dance with me and watch me turn. Shake me, move me with your creativity. I sway and believe in the things you say. I talk and words flow from me naturally. you take them away with your clever banter. you steal my breath and manipulate my smile. coy you may be, yet cunning is your ambition. Rugged you say, I will agree. Yet I have known no rugged man to be clever. An anomaly you are. A fundamental predicament. Gingerly I take one step forward. compelling I take a leap of faith. Trust isn't given by me lightly, Hear me, see me and smile. For I am someone you will be happy to know.

I am falling to pieces, waking in the discord of my thoughts. it hurts to breathe right now, for I know what actions I have to take. Its not an easy task I have, nothing that needs to be done could ever be considered easy. that isn't the way that life works. Sadness fills me, I contemplate where the winds of change are blowing me, Like the gentle leaves falling from their trees, I come back to earth. I lay and await the spring. When the winds of change will surely right what has turned to be very wrong.

old friends, a good book and a new pair of shoes, all the things that make me smile. Random moments and spontaneous encounters, a giggle here and a smirk there. No expectations, merely just a good time. spending time is more than just spending it. It is investing it. I have a vested interest. old friends, a good book and a new pair of shoes. All the things that can get you through a bad day.

Lusting, Wanting and craving. Things that cannot be controlled easily. There are moments where these things sneak up on me. Knowing is the first step to controlling yourself, and yet I don't want to control these urges, I want to let them loose. See what trouble I can get myself in. I know this is a terrible way of thinking, but I cannot help myself. I want someone to touch me, to feel me move and be excited by that. To kiss to touch to feel, to let my mind go and my body take over. To enjoy the company and let him enjoy me for a change. Breathing quicken and heart rate race. To feel that primal connection, and to be lost in the moment. To freeze everything around me and just feel, Feeling the sensations building, losing myself and just taking it in.... opening my eyes to the reality, the real truth. I am a woman with womanly needs.

I am going places, not necessarily the places people want me to go, but I am traveling there. I am making my way, cutting my path through history and building upon my life. How brilliant it is to decide where I am going. What I am going to do and the path I will take. exhausting and stressful are the two words that equate. my life is about to change. For the good. University here I come.

my soul is tired, worn from its travels. I have been through my rounds, grief, death, love and tragedy. My soul is tired, I go through all of the pain, sadness, and emotions. My soul is tired, I will be put through more, happiness, triumph and strife my soul is tired, but I am unfinished and therefore my soul and I must carry on.

I tear at my heart, with fresh pain brings fresh scars. its the abuse of ones gravitational pull. I look up to the sky and a fresh group of clouds move in across my sunny skies, All I long for is the happiness I deserve. It seems like a tall order, I think that mr. perfect is out there, I am just not sure I have recognized him yet. Is it supposed to be love at first sight because that seems morose. Love isn't like that. That type of love is unrealistic, it is a story, the example to the rule. Lately I just seemed to be the epitome of the rule. For once I want to be an example, To prove to people that happiness can come to anyone, even the most depraved of it. For once I look to the stars and unleash the power of my belief on them Please, let me finally receive what I am seeking. hear my pleas and show me how to find what i require. my hearts true desire.

I feel my temperature rise, my heart rate quicken. I am losing my pace, my rhythm. This is a hard thing to deal with, I want to feel and lose myself in this. Take the time to enjoy myself. feel the earth quake and the glass shatter. To know that in this moment I feel solidarity. That I am going to make it through the end of life as I know it. Move on and be stronger for it. To find beauty in the destruction of everything I know. lose my sleep and focus on the sunrise. My eyes tear and I look upon the world as I made it, There is so much work to be done, Turn me slowly and calm me, Calm me and help me focus on the magic of my beauty. My life is magical and I should be thankful for that.

I am dreaming, drifting and dreaming. Dreaming within your beauty. your soft tambor, and your melodic smile. A chance meeting and I am entranced. It is a glorious and vivid memory. one I do not wish to lose, your smile and intense view of my visage, you breathe me in, take me in with every second, its an amazing experience, one I will not forget. You've transfixed me sir.

A beautiful man, a visage of kindness. His voice is a beautiful melody, the soft and soothing sounds of compassion. I cannot contain my enthusiasm You are a beautiful man, yet you do not see yourself. No one truly sees themselves. but all i see is the light of your aura, the contrast and fire... Your touch was electrifying. Maybe some day soon we will meet again, until then i will listen to your soft melody, playing in my head...

I didn't expect to feel this, to feel this rush, this thrill... it is a surprise to me. Nothing I could have anticipated. a likemind, a kindred spirit... I float down the wafting abyss and see, a dark figure... he looks at me with fire in his eyes... I smile that devious smile, We know what happens next, lets wait and see by who's course of action.

I love you, in that fiery complex way I do. How profound that I feel this. I connect to it and relish in it. Why is it that the time of year makes me feel, sentimental, caring... Lost in my thoughts and in my heart. I look in the mirror and see what I have, I focus on the nondescript future. We write our own tales and go on our own adventures. The adventure I am on is an epic one, with many stories yet to be told. No somber and pain yet, but like any good story it does have its place. All I want is this, and all I've got is you.

I am a wicked little girl, i have been bad. I do bad things regularly. Its not that I try to do them, they just happen. As if they are instinctual. it is in my nature to be cruel. To be hurtful... What is it with us little girls. We play wicked games and do wicked things, We are made with Sugar to be sweet, Yet we sour things with our complex hearts. We are supposed to be made with spice, I think Cayenne pepper is a spice and it is hot and firey, is that such a good thing? and well everything nice, I highly doubt in most cases. Otherwise we wouldn't be as cruel as we are. No underlying subtext here, Little girls are vicious. From one to another be forewarned. We succeed at what we pursue and right now this little girl, is pursuing the impossible, this little girl is pursuing her dreams. Beware if you are in the way. For I am a wicked little girl and i will play wicked little games. You will lose, and I will be victorious. Unsure? step in my way and you will see, how fun it is to tr...

I don't want to see you with anyone else, call it unfair and selfish. The thought of you touching someone else, makes my blood run cold. I want you all for myself, and yet... I want to have some space. It is a strange predicament I am in. I cannot demand it yet that is exactly what I want. Why am I making this so complicated? I see women flock towards you and all I can feel is resentment. I have this urge to be manipulative and toy with them... to see what would happen if I did this or that and grabbed your attention fully. I know it is unfair to toy with emotion like that, but the thought is there... and sometimes I feel I just can't help my self.

I see you, your beautiful cherubim face. Framed by tawny, wild hair. Your face strong and beautiful. Serious is your reaction to me. I realize I may have done something. I cannot look away from your face. When I do I am lost. I see my aid and my judge. he looks as if he was chiseled from grace. I look back up to him and I am overthrown. He is shaking his head at me. I know what i have done and so does he. Here stands my angry angel. I have some explaining to do, yet I don't feel guilty. How could I? I am awe struck and my head swims. I focus and then let go. His definitive tone tells me the time for repentance is at hand. I cannot seem to pull it from me. here we stand, at the ends of time and I cannot do what my angel asks of me. Inept I stand, a lonely withered, and jaded young woman.

Fire, I long for a spark. to be burned in the fire, and lose myself in its flames. To kiss the embers and know. To feel the ash against my skin, the flames licking me. let everything melt away. the bitterness... The coldness around my heart...

There are moments, moments when you ask me what is wrong, moments in the day when you question things that I cannot answer. I am enjoying my solitude. a safe place I have created and dwell within. These walls I have built are mighty. No climbing required. If you were allowed in I would open the gates of my caring arms. I am at peace with myself. Figuring out my destiny and life. It is an exciting adventure I am on. A path of self-discovery. I don't need someone to hold my hand through it, that isn't what this is about. Its about Self. Its about perseverance. To rely on myself for change and make my way through the ages. I need myself. and am content in this.

Memories fade, wrinkles appear. Life changes, and things disappear. The passing of time, moves steadily on. quicker than light, the sun breaking dawn. It is a strange thing, to feel old and lose place. rationing breaths, as they seem to be displaced. Knowledge and know how, Years to be counted and measured Frailty adorn thy face, fore lorn grace and composure.

I regale myself with memories that aren't mine. Its a beautiful melancholy. Something in that way, I am moved by it. I feel my head and my heart connect. sentiment provoked. an era of youth and freedom. Spirit, and love come forth and show me a simpler time. A time when the grass was green and the sky shimmered. Where peace was revolutionary. The people fought for freedoms. For the right to love, live and be secure in themselves. To end oppression and war. Oh to have lived then and seen the revolution unfold. Now in the present time, i sit here and look at pictures listening to the sounds of an era, and all I can think is how can my generation be as productive. Aspiring to be revolutionary. Aspiring to create change and make a mark. Something in the way I will move things. Yes, I will move things

Wow, I am a destructive being. I look at my room and think, is this what it's like to be a creative mind? My room takes the fall for my creativity? I am a Natural disaster. Hurricane Lindsey coming through to destroy my room. The wreckage in my wake is unfathomable. I am definitely a force!!!

I sit here and think. For it is all I can do. There is no rest for the wicked, and I have been wicked. I have thought bad thoughts, and done bad things. I have wished bad things upon people. No saint am I. Yet, here I stand accountable for my actions. I will fully admit my wrong doings. I see so many around me in denial and it makes me laugh. Responsibility is unknown to many. I admit that I can be irresponsible... but not when it comes to things I have done to people. Owning up to your skeletons does not come easy. here I stand. Accountable. Ready to be judged just like the next person... I wonder if my ex could say the same? I believe he would run scared from his executioners... that also makes me laugh. Some people are born brave, others never learn what bravery is. Look out world I am one brave soul.

I am tired. Tired of all the frivolity. Exhausted by the effort. Why does it have to be like this? I question with a shrug. because nothing is ever easy. I just wish that this all was done with. I am so very tired of chasing. maybe its time that I hide instead.

So today I hear that you are engaged. Wow, I guess I was that easy to throw away. I am important, maybe not to you but I am. I will find my prince charming... I am done kissing frogs, you were pretty slimy after all... I am moving on... time to go pick flowers or fall asleep for awhile, that is how the princesses do it right? I think I will do what I want and see who wants to join in. I am happier with that outcome... You enjoy being engaged. I will enjoy it as I watch the divorce rate go up

Stab me, cut me deep. Twist the knife in my wounds you create. Tear my flesh and wake my pain from within. Relish in the fact you have taken from me. Life, freedom, blood. You have taken and given me mortality. You have made me feel, used, isolated and fearful. Is this it? I ask with a sigh, This feels like something I have felt before... This feels like when you ripped my heart from me. Like when we ceased to be we. The end of a relationship, profound in its death.

What more is there to say, I can't help but feel it. there are days I miss you. It is wrong to feel this, wrong to want you. But I do. You sing to me and I hear it. You are embedded in my soul. your rhythm displaces reason. I am confounded by my misery on the subject. you transfixed me, and now are misplaced. How tormenting this is. I can only hope that you come back to me...

Oh boy, what have you done here. You tell me all these thing, Lovely things. That you want to spend time, That you want to be friends. When in reality, your intentions have been proven otherwise. Do you not realize you are transparent? I can see you, Clearly. This will not work, as much as you want it to... We are not destined you and I. I am already attached to someone. I cannot emotionally connect and be with you, when my heart is off wandering somewhere else.

A child in grown up's clothing, So frail and indignant. How interesting to see you move about. Damaged and annoyed. You lack the maturity of the age you are, and yet, there are moments when you are wise beyond your years. Paradoxical. you play with your toys, the world as you see it revolves around you. as it should for a child. Now this isn't a negative thing. Its a matter of perspective. A childlike essence protects us at times, from the dangers of the outside. a child's emotional state changes, fluctuates from moment to moment. Unpredictable and that in itself is security. We all are attached to some form of our childishness. I will never let go of aspect of my early years, why should I expect others to do that too.

Toss and turn in my sleep, from all the dreams you steal and keep. I know not what you do with them, within my slumber they are nightmares of men. I awake with a jolt, and the instinct to bolt. Yet I sit upright and try, feeling terrified I remember why. I remain in my bed, bleary-eyed and filled with dread. What scared me the most? my dreams the uninhibited host. In them I see what could've been. Things I wished I had never seen. There he was, our child in hand. Her reaching out to me with a look of demand. behind him I saw all of his conquests, past, present and future west's. I try to run away from this, this view I completely dismiss. I feel better knowing it was just lies no more panic, fury and sighs. I just have to breathe and start my day right, my only concern is if it will come back this next night.

Adrenaline surges, that quaking, shaking, breaking feeling. No recourse for what I am feeling. Its a deep and dark web we spin. Spiders in our own tangled web of lies and grave yard of hurt. Just like the game of manipulation I play, each little fly has its own strings to be pulled until they are lured to my web. I pluck the wings off them because I can. I am that horribly jaded that I enjoy it. For sport, for thrill, for their agony. I cause my own torment. Its not enough to merely feel bad about doing what you do. you have to want to repent. Wanting is the challenge. I will be the first to admit I do this. anguish and misery are dolls for me to play with. Until I am ready I will continue to do what it is I do. I know that I am not ready... but will the rest of the world figure this out? Unknown. Until then I wait for the next fly to land on the edge of my web.

I want to kiss a boy, not just any old boy. a special boy. At least to me. I want to feel butterflies, feel that surge of energy, like the world is going to end. truth without words. to feel giddy I think about what it would feel like on the other end. Is it just as powerful? guys don't talk about this stuff. but some days I wonder. Does he think about how he affects me, or rather how he feels? most guys don't talk about feelings. It is deemed weak by society. Well fuck society in that regard. There is nothing wrong with understanding feeling. Maybe just maybe, men and women wouldn't be such a great mystery to each other. no more paradoxical questions in regards to the opposite sex. Just understanding, and butterflies.

I dream of you. Riding into your place. Tears streaming down, my glistening pale face. I want you to protect me, from the evils I will incur, to fight off the bad guys, saying unhand her sir! I want you to whisk me, off of my tiny feet. To take my burdens away, and make me feel complete. I await you my white knight, to hear your heart's call. To be tied to you for eternity, to live happily ever after all.

I dream about you, wish that you were here. Is it too much to ask for some peace? Surrendering myself to the longing I feel. The empty pit in my stomach and the grief I feel. Over bearing the sense to feel the peculiar numbness. It takes a lot. There are moments when I know it would be easier to just fall. To become the heap on the floor. Knowing that this urge to make my bed on the tile flooring will fade, I placate my sense of reason and control. I show my strength through standing. Yes, that is right, keep telling yourself that. One more thing to add to the growing pile. My "deal with" pile is vast. and procrastination is an ugly habit. The somber atmosphere sets in. Death and all the anguish come with it. My rose coloured glasses are replaced with grey. It is the clown who cannot smile anymore. The lack lustre drone. piece by piece it will come back into view. Right now, I adjust to the winter haze coming my way. a wooden box and a still being, nothing is as it was, and ...

There is never enough time, all the things I want to do, the people and places I want to see. Just can't fit them into my schedule it seems. It makes me sad to think that I am continually busy, its good I know, however I would like to spend time and take time to relax. Not the case, onto the next project. I sleep and awake tired. Its not refreshing to lye down and have a nap, its exhausting to awake and feel like I have to do this all over again.

I think about you, Who you are and what you have become. It makes me happy and sad. You are a good man, you don't see it yet, but you are. Your actions speak volumes. Even though you may hurt me in doing the right thing, you still know that it is the right thing and that I will benefit from it. my thoughts are still longing. Longing to relive the smiles and the gazes. the chemistry and the passion. I want the fire back. You are the fire that drives me, I am the water that quenches your thirsts for tranquility. I am tumultuous but I am also a freeing spirit. I miss you.

You are not nice to me. You think you are but you are not. I have dealt with this bullshit before, and I am not doing it again. Think twice before you open your mouth, because the next time bile comes out, I won't be around for you to finish your sentence. I will leave and you will be left there with a confused look on your face. I have discovered my self worth and I definately don't deserve this. Your warning, your call.

I sit here, once again pondering things. I think too much. I am enjoying the mundane, the peace and quiet. For I know that starting tomorrow it goes away. Tomorrow is the day that the world revolves around a stage and a crowd. Tomorrow is where I get put on the back burner. Not me, but I let myself go for a few hours. Become someone new and perform. The lights come up and I am just a shell, a shell that evokes laughter and sarcasm. I wrote this play with that in mind. With a sick sense of humor and pride in that. I am thinking of who will come see it. This is the most important thing I have done for me this year. I am putting something outside of myself, something I created, something from my mind. I aspire to do great things and I am on my way. Its a dream that is coming true, my own ocean amidst the sands of time. A proud and defining moment.

Beautiful and Fiesty, I see you. Seeing is believing and I believe in you. You to me are the wind, Fierce and rushing. It is too much, too great a feeling. Warmth runs down my spine, the smile on my face echos the last time I was with you. The fun we had and the joy. Brings back a flood of many memories... old and new of our journey together. I am proud of you. I feel it stir in me when I talk about you. Even when I am upset with you I am proud. You have a way that just resonates through me. I enjoy our talks more than you know. I have a friend in you now. Never did I think that would happen, Yet I feel that I do. You help me. With your example, with your understanding, You help. I am glad to call you sister. Love you Carly.

Divide me, split me into pieces. So all those whom I love can hold a piece of me. And know that they are cherished. Leave my head with the stars and my heart near water. Both need to be close to home. Because that is where they will always remain. Let my body wander the world and seek adventures with my loved ones. Through the air and from the sea, may they know that I will always be with them. A piece, whether it be small or large. I am with them. When they travel to a place I cannot, Know that a small fraction of me goes with them. If they pass on to another world and leave this one, That piece goes with them. I lose that piece for eternity but gain the memories of my prized ones. Know that when you are adorn with my love, it never leaves you. It remains with you forever. A little piece of me that will never fade or die. A piece of me that is yours eternally.

White picket fence across the road, it tells a story of so long ago. When children used to live there. The yard now vacant. overgrown and dreary looking. It speaks volumes. It has been used. Reminiscent of a time where it was busy. It housed busy little bees doing busy little things. It grew potential and dreams in that yard. The fence kept them safe from the outside influence. Now the fence stands weakly. It served its purpose. Now it serves another purpose, It is a billboard for a "for sale" sign. I can only hope that a new owner will see the potential, and fill the yard once again with the laughter of children.

I cry inconsolably. I wish this was easier. Never did I want to say goodbye to you. But I am. Its a painful thing to think about. The look on your face, The hurt I am about to inflict. Pull it together and be strong. Its better this way. I am not good for you. Not in any capacity. You will be much safer when I am gone. Keep thinking that. I show up to see you. I can tell you know something is wrong. I walk down a path, You follow instinctively. A Good bye kiss. I run until the pain washes away. I will be running until the day I die... I keep going, try to be productive. Somehow I find myself running back to you. You are like gravity pulling me back to earth. When I heard there was no you to come back to, to know that I really truly lost you? I lost a part of myself. I cry and think of an exit strategy. I cannot live in a world were you do not exist. I think of the stupid things I could do. Making my entrance to the end I see you. Running towards me. I guess this is my mind giving up th...

I listen, You lull me into a sense of speechlessness. what you do reaches me. Deep within me to the place where I hide. My dark place where I dwell within sadness. No one truly sees the chaos beneath the surface, yet you make me feel quiet. unacustom to this I succumb only to question when? when will this leave me and when will i be forced back into the chaos. To feel my respid slip away to the blinding and depracating sound of my turmoil. It is not enough, I want the peace, I want the tranquillity for my own. Its not enough you have to show it to me. I dwindle back into the dark, Where you don't see me. Sitting in my solitude. There is no peace, only the constant ringing of anger and disillusionment. I will wait until peace can be restored. Until the noise goes away.

I wonder why I play these games, if you really wanted to talk to me, you would. Its just a matter of perspective I guess. I have never been the example, always the rule. Its sad, To delude myself into thinking I will be the example some day. Every guy I have been with has proven that to me. Young girls are trained, we are taught to believe in being treated poorly because hey, that means a boy likes you right? No, if a boy treats you poorly the only thing he is doing is treating you poorly. There is nothing good coming from that. Except the cycle of abuse for young girls to grow up on. Then the rationale a mother will feed to their little girl. Its nothing but bullshit. If a guy decides he likes me, decides he wants to talk to me, then he will. I am done trying. today is the day that part of the dreamer in me has died. no more disillusions, no more delving to far into things. Simplify and move on. If you like me, I propose a challenge, Prove it to me in your actions. Show me and maybe,...

I visited you today. I sat by where you rest There was this ethereal feeling. I miss you. You seemed to be the only one who got me. The only one who understood my heart. Singing and laughing we danced and played. Watching the flowers bloom, I watch the flowers wither and die alone. The day that you left us, was an unbearable day. my memory of you, pains me. You influenced me in a way that I cannot even express. You made my heart soar and dreams take flight. Nothing was out of reach, I lost the only present you bought me. Well not lost, I still have the pieces. A set of earrings. I will never forget the elation I felt that day. How important I was to you. The look on your face, a proud and defined look. It is hard to believe you are gone. It's even harder to believe its been 5 years today. Your importance has not changed. I cry inconsolably. I miss you grandpa.

Well it is one year today, that my family showed you kindness, It is one year ago today that you showed them, Just how much of an ass you are. We discussed you last night, It was strange. To think that a year ago you were here, now you are not. Many things can change in a year. I have, you have. Our lives will never be the same. We effected each other and changed. Its strange to see. But I am glad. You were toxic to me. I was not myself, You were definitely you. I wish for the fade of time to wash you away. I am not angry today, however there is a possibility for it tomorrow. You given me food for thought. and fire within me to write. The only good outcome. The best plausible outcome. I am renewed.

I could listen to you for hours, I rock with the movement in your voice. Hypnotizing and transient I sway. I feel it reverberate off of my soul. You touch me at my core. Never have I felt this from someone. This pure and inspired feeling. I close my eyes and feel you. hearing you; I see perfectly. I sit in a juxtaposed position. Its as if my soul is beside me. Like a puddle on the beach beside the lake. They long to intertwine with each other, they already do yet they are separate for the moment. Feeling things separately. They both are equally apart of the greater whole. As are they, my soul is intertwined with you and your essence. The melody coming from me stirs in me like waves in the ocean. You instill in me a great sense of peace and understanding.

Fuck you Jim. Fuck you and everything you stand for. You vile disgusting being. I hope that your life is everything you want it to be... I mean after all you want nothing but deceit and games. HA ha ha, I remember when we first started dating you told me you didn't want games. They were beneath you. Yet YOU played them, I played as well, I was clever and figured them out. Even though I was inexperienced, I caught up with the best of my predecessors. So I hope you got what you wanted from that experience... Go to hell.

I am green with envy, I know that I shouldn't be, yet here I am. I hate that I am wondering what is going on, for the sake of another individual. I over analyze and question. Its what I do best, Should I be filled with this? You yourself told me that you have history, a past with dark and dank memories of infidelity. Its a matter of perspective. I have been given lots of that. I trust you and know that you would tell me about it if something were to happen. you have given me so much honesty why would that stop now? Ugh... being female sucks sometimes. Too many damn hormones that make you go crazy.

I am feeling ravenous, I breathe and feel like you are behind me. Its intense this feeling I have. an extreme romantic I am. You I am not so sure, I have yet to see that side. However I long to feel you, to touch you and know that you are happy. I am trying to contain my demons, yet they really want out. They want to run wild to you and use you as their prey. every intimate detail about you they seem to want to know. can't help my curiosity either... I want you to be curious about me too. You have merely scratched the surface. I want you to claw and dig harder and delve deeper. find something in me and grasp at it. I want to show you my darkness and let you revel in it. I feel you still in my shadow and I like it. Yet it is such a tease. How unfair this torment. To slow dance into oblivion, to move and ache alone with you, I yearn for that. My body is quivering in anticipation of this moment I dream. Hopefully some day soon it will come true, until then I live in my tormented cage....

I look fiendish, for once I am not me. I am what I inspire in myself, what I create. I can be whoever it is I want to be. I put on my costume, lace it up tight. Feel it restrict me. move not as myself, as the character I take on. She is me and I am her. We move as one and think as one. We borrow each other for the moment. After we accomplish our tasks, I remove the costume and she resumes life in the back of my imagination. Like my closet, filled with many characters. She like them rests, rests until the time I may need her again. I set the costume down and look at myself. I am me again, no sharing. The best character I have played. Me.

Today, It was a hard enough day, October 8th was ingrained in my head for 5 years, you think I could try to get it out. Yet here it is, a year later and I am still stuck remembering. So here is to me making it memorable. I drank a glass of wine to you tonight. Nothing more nothing less, I enjoyed a peaceful night without you in it. You are in the world, this is true. Yet you are not with me and I couldn't be happier about that! I wish no ill will. I merely want to work on forgetting this day like most people. For it to go unknown like any other mundane day. now I look forward to the next holiday on my calender, another birthday and then the 5th of November. Remember remember.... I do, I most certainly do. Lest we forget.

You take my breath away, You steal it on a regular basis. I think too much about what has gone on. I over analyze what could potentially be the outcome. I know what I want, but its not about that. This is about acceptance. In a lot of ways I am learning from you still. Patience is not one of my strong suits, yet you are teaching me. I am teaching you the value of a good woman. Or at least I think that I am trying to. My ability to hold off and wait proves that, I think. You would never ask me to do that, however it is something I feel compelled to do, if not for your sake for mine. You made me realize I need a little bit of time too. Self reflection is good, I normally just jump into whatever comes my way. Brave or Crazy you be the judge and jury, yet I learn a lot from that as well. I know what I want and my goals are still the same, I will never give those up, but in this time and space I am defining things. I am focusing on what is truly important to me for my life, So maybe this wa...

I cry myself to sleep, in thought of you. of moments where you were beside me, If then I only knew, I long to just talk to you, to tell you trivial things, to see your face, oh the joy that would bring. It is late and I should be in bed, this I definitely know. I only hope you take this time, to learn about yourself and grow. I wonder if this really is it, if you will find your way back. I hope you do, for your presence I surely lack. Its a matter of perspective, you have given me plenty of this. You make me happy, your tender touches and your gentle kiss.

I am angry, Knew it would be like this, yet I can't help but feel the sting of it. Not having you around sucks. Not talking to you is worse. I know I am self sufficient, however I got used to you being here. Now that you aren't I wonder about you. I let my curiosity get the best of me. I shouldn't wonder. I should just find something to do, There is more than enough to keep me occupied, yet I don't want to do any of it. Such a procrastinator. I listen to a melody and i hear you. It makes me laugh and cry. Dancing in a sunny room. I long to feel the sun. To me everything just feels cold right now, maybe I should put something more on than just a towel. I had a bath to calm my nerves. Water calms me in the most peculiar way. I am soothed by it. Always have always will be. Pisces remember? I look in the mirror and my eyes tell me a story, it isn't exactly happy, and it isn't exactly sad either. Its about a girl who is a dreamer, she dreams in colour, music and move...

I have been through a lot, Questions were asked today. What was the greatest thing I learned? Self discipline and Acceptance. I am not perfect and accepting that is huge. There are times I wish I hadn't gone through all I have ... however that has made me a stronger person. I am still here, still kicking. I live and breathe even though It may be difficult. I am still kicking. Proof that I am stubborn. Yes, I live and am a testament to the proverb what doesn't kill you definitely makes you stronger. I am a strong person, mind, body and soul. So bring on the next thing, no backing down, no ducking and running. I am ready!

I think about all that has happened... I am thankful for small mercies, I have realized a divine purpose in timing. Timing is freaking everything, as much as I may hate it sometimes, there is a reason that things happen the way they do. I had a hard day, but it really made me appreciate my friends. I felt like I was falling, and to my surprise, they caught me right away. I didn't hit the ground, not like last time. I feel like I can accomplish anything, because hey if I fail, It won't hurt as bad as it would without them. I am appreciative of their love and acceptance. It is amazing as are they.

I spent time reflecting, a bottle of wine spent. I ache and I cry, we girls do that from time to time. It feels like my heart is not where it should be. Someone took it with them on their path to self discovery. I acknowledge that he is doing the right thing, in fact I applaud his bravery for facing something he wasn't ready for, It just sucks. I Love and I hurt. We girls do these things well. I just wish that the timing was right. If we are meant to be it will happen. Right now I have no patience and just want it. But if it is right, I guess it will.

Fuck this mess I want to party! I want get out and have a good time. Dress up and feel sexy. Who cares if life is currently feeling like shit, move and dance and feel free. I know I can do that much. Maybe, just maybe I should go out. Do something drastic and live a little. No point in sulking about what I can't change. Boys are confusing and can be dumb. They have their reasons for being the way they are, and well I have my reasons for acting the way I do. Time to get out and see what I am made of... No more waiting, Just get out and go!

You said that I am a dreamer, I know that I am not the only one here. Yet, you dashed some of my dreams. There were a few that had more than I let on. I look outside and see the leaves change, I look at the array of colours outside my window, I feel like everything looks slightly lack lustre the yellows aren't as bright as they could be. the reds seem to be grey and distant. now that does seem familiar. Green seems foreign, as if it is a distant dream of the summer and all that it brought. I long to hear the crickets sing and feel the warmth. All I feel now is the bitter cold, I hear the echo of pain passed and wonder. What is it that I have? Or rather what have I done? I focus on this feeling, the cold ache running down my spine, All of this is familiar of a time where I was numb. Where all I wanted was to feel important. To feel anything really. I lived in my head during those months, am I about to do this again? Struggle and fail? Maybe there is a reason why I am here.

I don't blame you. How could I? There is just so much I wanted to share, Maybe I still can, not necessarily in the same position, but at the very least friend will do. I am not going to say that I don't hurt, because I do, but what I will say is that there is a hole. A perfect, tiny little hole that you made. a place for you. a place now vacant, Its not that you have been removed, its just that this is not where you will remain. I am strong enough that I can repair and rebuild. It just sucks that you are not here in the capacity I wanted you. Depression or not, I am strong. I had to claw my way back last time, to tell you the truth this seems a hell of a lot easier than that. No clawing, just climbing. If anything I believe that shows growth. I have grown, A year later, in the same situation, and I am stronger than i thought. It sucks to compare to that... but really what else can I do You made your choices and I have made mine. We will see what happens when you realize what is...