Hello March

 I have never been so keenly aware of the passage of time. 

Having a family member dying will do that to you, but at the same time, I feel like I have failed at my monitoring and time management skills. I should be watching things more closely, as I scramble at what feels like the eleventh hour to get things ready to celebrate my son's birthday. It is a momentous occasion, sure, but I don't feel like I have it in me to celebrate. It is hard to celebrate when you are grieving. Grieving takes up a lot of space and doesn't leave room for much else. I am grieving yes, but I feel like that in itself is premature as she is still here. Still able to talk to me on the phone... for the most part, and still able to be a part of things. We know we are losing her and soon and all of it seems to just suck the air out of the room. 

I feel like I am lacking the ability to deal with a lot of things at the moment because I am so keenly aware of what is happening. I cuddle with mom on her bed and she does not want to get up, I talk to doctors, nurses, and psws about her and she doesn't even connect the dots that we are talking about her. So maybe it is a matter of grieving what is already gone, even though she is still with us. I grieve her humour too. Although that comes back every so often. It shocks me when she does it and then turns from shock to riotous laughter. 

All of this seems so foreign and yet there is also fear that is creeping in. I heard what the Doctors said. There is no hard and fast rule about timelines, people "go" when they are ready and yet, doctors gave her less than a month. Birthdays and regular celebrations fall in this month and I am cringing at the thought that I might lose my mother on my birthday or any of those celebratory days. It feels selfish to say, but the day that she does pass is going to be beyond difficult and I don't want it to mute one of the days that we would normally celebrate. Of course, there is zero control over this, but it is more of a wish sent out into the universe than a demand. Death doesn't deal with demands. Death is death. It happens as a natural part of progression and yet there is a sort of beauty to it that it comes on a day when anywhere at any moment new life could be happening. It really speaks to the unpredictability of the whole show, and how folly it is for anyone to try to control anything. 

control is a poor attempt at coping, when in reality it would be better to surrender to what is. 

So with that, I greet March with a hearty hello and hope above all else that it A. doesn't suck and B. we find the wonder in the little things. 

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